Dear perspective boyfriend,

 

I’ve said it before but I’ll try to explain it. If I were to accept a man in my life and I have on a few occasions it would take a very special kind of man. What do I mean by that? That’s a great question. Let me elaborate.

 

First you would have to accept my love for Sarah.

 

My love for her is unconditional and if you ever tried to force me to choose “me or her” bye bye Mr. Man. She isn’t an instant three-way she doesn’t like men. Unfortunately that crushes most men’s dreams.

 

Your ego would need to be secure enough to understand that. It’s not that I couldn’t love a man and it’s not that I haven’t loved a man. Because I have loved a few. It’s just Sarah was here first and she always will be. she’s been with me through things you can’t even comprehend or imagine. Though you may try.

 

So you would have to live with the fact that you have to share me with someone else. This part of this alone is probably more than hard enough. Sharing someone you love is difficult and shouldn’t be entered into lightly. And if you’re being honest with yourself you would likely admit the same.

 

 

It’s a little beyond sharing.

 

Sarah is now and forever will be first. She is my wife, in my heart, in my mind, in the eyes of God and the eyes of the law. This will not change. She has never been jealous of a man in my life. She has never stopped me nor interfered. But she also knows she is the singular love of my entire life. She is first to me in all things.

 

 

The next thing you’d be getting involved with this woman who recoils at your touch.

 

You could be an awesome man and I mean awesome and I’d still recoil. My father has never harmed me in 32 years of life and I recoil at his touch. I love my son enough I would die for him without a second thought and I recoil at his touch. I see how it hurts these men and I know how it hurt the man in my life.

 

It’s my past. Something you’d know more about and something you’d be paying a price for. The price of a woman who retreats from you. A woman who sometimes triggers and cries. A woman who always needs to know she can leave at any moment. I need to be safe, I need to feel safe and part of that is knowing I can run away and hide for a bit safely.

 

 

I won’t be able to sleep in bed with you.

 

I’m just not capable of that. So you would have to deal with a woman who would go to bed with you but the minute it’s time to sleep she’s heading for the Hills. I know how this hurts a Man Too I’ve seen it before. It’s another place for a man who would be honest with himself would have to ask would this hurt me and the only answer is of course it would.

 

I have waited for him to fall asleep and then snuck off. I just can’t sleep next to a man. My mind won’t let me relax that much.

 

 

You have to be the man who’s willing to take the burden of my past.

 

Unfortunately any man in my life and still paying the price for that past. Is that fair? No but it’s where I am today. I’ve discussed some of that above. Safety, is important. I still recoil and I can’t relax enough to sleep in bed with a man.

 

 

Recap.

 

Okay so you think you can deal with sharing me, being second, me flinching at your touch and with me not sleeping in bed with you.

 

 

Another price a man would pay is.

 

I also can’t give your children no matter how bad you or I might want them. My past has taken that from me. I have a son born naturally to me and he is my only child born to me. I have a daughter my wife and I adopted. Adoption is the only option for having children for me.

 

So you’ll be dealing with a woman who doesn’t feel like a woman. A woman who actually hates herself sometimes (many times). And I don’t mean like most women I’m so fat, I’m so ugly, My butts so big! I mean I would have put a fucking knife in my chest. It’s something I’ve actually done because I hated myself.

 

I am a product of my past. The men who hurt me stole everything it means to be a woman from me. I still often find myself wishing I’d died that day.

 

 

I am certifiable.

 

You be dealing with a woman who from time to time May check herself into a psych ward because she needs a place that safe. And it has nothing to do with you and nothing to do with your ability to protect me. It has to do with my mind and I don’t feel safe and I can’t even explain why.

 

You’ll be dealing with a woman who thinks she’s ugly. But that’s because I still see the scars they left me with. You might not be able to see them on the outside anymore but I see them in the mirror and in my mind.

 

They stole my face and though it’s better now it’s still not all mine. I hate people touching my face. Even to this day. My external scars are healed but inside I’m a hot fucking mess!

 

 

More dealing with my past.

 

You’ll be dealing with a woman who lost her virginity in the most awful and horrible way. A woman who chose life and sacrificed the parts required to make new life again because of that choice. I can say I’m not really a woman I don’t feel like a woman anyways. I have no innocence to offer a man. All I have is pain.

 

You’ll be dealing with a woman who’s struggling with the addiction of cutting. To be honest with myself and everyone I do still struggle with it. I still feel I deserve the pain. I feel many times I’m not worthy of love.

 

 

Flinching is nothing.

 

Worse than the flinching at your touch is learning me sexually. I have so many triggers and sometimes these triggers go off at the absolute worst times. One of my ex’s used to like to hold my hands down not to hurt me put because he wanted to see me. And that would trigger fight or flight. And I left him more than one time with a boner in a room alone wondering what he did wrong. It’s something every man in my life who’s been with me intimately has experienced.

 

I don’t like being restrained and I need to feel like I can get out of it(sex). At all times. I need to feel that control the I can leave this if I need to. That’s very hard for the male ego to understand. And again it’s nothing to do with the man I’m with because I chose to be with him. It all goes back to my past.

 

 

Violence

 

When a man gets violent I get scared. And that also triggers fight or flight. Unfortunately for me I usually choose fight. A relationship with me takes a man with a ton of patience. And the ability to stay cool even when he really just wants to scream. You don’t want me to choose fight. It takes a lot to calm me.

 

I need a man who will never, ever strike me. Maintain his voice even in anger. But a man strong enough to make me feel safe from everyone else in the world. When he wraps me in his arms I need to feel that I am safe.

 

It takes a delicate balancing act to pull that off. Aggressive enough to protect me from the world, gentle and kind enough that I never feel scared.

 

 

I can’t and won’t be with a man who’s an alcoholic.

 

Alcohol brings out the worst in people. It makes us short tempered, quick to react and slow to think. I need you with your wits about yourself always. Otherwise you may miss a trigger and find the short end of the straw. You may have caused the trigger or just may have missed a chance to be the safety I desperately need in a man.

 

 

I am not a one-night stand.

 

If we were to begin dating, there is a long process of getting to know each other. I must know a man in his head. What makes him unique. Who is he. I will know your heart, your mind and your soul before I know your cock. Some men don’t wish to wait it out. That’s fine I am either worth the effort or I am not.

 

I insist on paying my own way while we date. I don’t like feeling indebted to people, like I owe them something. This avoids the man feeling like, I’ve spent this much money I deserve some sugar. All I ask is your time and honesty so we can become intimate mentally long before we do so physically.

 

Putting in the time has driven more than one man off. And honestly that’s fine with me!

 

 

He must also be.

 

> Single. I will never be the other woman.

> Strong. He has to be my equal and challenge me on every level.

> Independent. I’m not looking for a submissive nor dominate man. I want an equal partner.

> Honest. When you hurt it’s ok to cry on me. I prefer honest and real to pretend. It takes a stronger man to cry with his partner than to pretend to be strong all the time.

> Loyal. I am loyal to him and make him my only man. I expect to be his only woman. Unless Sarah decides she likes him too then well we need to talk it out. It’s never happened yet.

>Mature. I don’t want too young or too old. Say 7 years either side of my age now. 26-40.


And so much more.

 

 

And these are just the tip of the iceberg.

 

They’re usually more than enough to make you think. Most men even when they think they can handle it find out they can’t.

 

To the man I finally accept. I am fiercely loyal, always honest and transparent. If you are him wonderful and if not we can still always be friends. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and I’m all kinds of crazy. But I also feel I am worth the time.

 

Love,

Michelle