Michelle has been on fire this year as her dreams are all coming together. She wrote about her latest adventure and how she was going to do the Michelle thing with the winnings. My wife has the biggest heart of anyone I know.

https://aghostdancer.wordpress.com/2017/04/19/a-call-to-action/

She finished competing in a Pro-Am event. Her first ever. She was up against some great surfers. Some excellent professionals.

She finished 3rd! Twenty thousand dollars is being donated to the veterans center. It’s a great cause and proves once more my wifes’ heart. After all she’s been through in her life she’d still rather help others anytime she can.

I’ve been here for all the pain, all the trials. I’ve been there through the worst. I’ve witnessed the cutting, the suicides and I’ve cried so many tears. I’ve rubbed her back when the nightmares came. I’ve stood by her anytime people said no Michelle you can’t do that.

I’ve always believed she can do anything. She’s proven me right in my faith as I’ve watched and cheered as each obstetrical before her fell. I’ve watched, prayed and cheered as she did the impossible time and again. I’ve witnessed the disbelief as those who doubted her and ridiculed her were proven wrong.

Yet is seems I’m missing the joy of witnessing her dreams finally coming true. All these years and finally everything she’s ever dreamed for herself is coming into place.

_michelle 3rd cabo san lucas celebration

My Michelle celebrated a 3rd place finish against some of the best surfers in the world. I missed it. I hadn’t thought about it much until I saw the photo above. I missed her best moment of her dream so far. How many more must I miss?

I of course will cheer her on and I want her to succeed. I want her every dream to come true. But I feel I am missing the best. It’s not fair, I’ve been there through the worst. I deserve to be there now.

_michelle cabo surfing

My wife is improving every event. Her dreams are falling one by one. She is so happy now and I’m missing it all. I witnessed all her suffering, I deserve to see her joy! I feel like I’m being screwed.

Why do I feel so jealous of her? She’s supported my every dream. But right now my only dream is to be there with her and witness her rise to the very pinnacle of her dreams reality. Is it wrong of me to believe I deserve to be there? Yes I want to put my dreams on hold so I can witness her ascension.

I love her so much. I’ve been through all the pain and now I feel as if I’m being left behind when now it’s time for the joy. After all I’ve done it feels like this is partly me and mine to be part of. Not just a spectator but an active participant.

My question is am I wrong to feel this way? Do I deserve to be there with her? It’s like I’m drowning as she speeds away. Maybe I’m selfish, maybe it’s normal.

Sarah