I’ve lost track of when blade last pierced flesh. I’ve had a pull as late. The haunting call to return. I of course told my wife and doctors at the first sign.

It’s hard to explain the call. Like an old friend wanting to come and play. Pain had been a champion to me for some time. I know it comes because I doubt myself.

I’ve felt fear again as surf competition approached. I bowed out of this one and told myself I wasn’t yet ready. I know I’m ready and I’ve earned my spot at these events. It’s the people, so many people so close. It makes me nervous and scared.

I know this is why I feel the calling once more. It would be an easy out. I can’t surf look I’m cut. I fear what I feel and I’m drawn to fall back to the familiar. I’m drawn back to pain.

Why must I sabotage myself? I deserve this and I know I do. I’ve worked as hard as anyone to get here. Yet at every turn I’ve drawn back.

I’m told it’s normal to be scared of a big change. A monumental challenge lay before me. It has to be now, this moment in life. Yet I with draw.

You’ll be happy to know I remain lesson free. No new lessons etched in flesh. I did the right thing talking about how I feel. I still feel like I coped out asking for help.

I guess my question dear reader is. Do others sabotage the good things because they are hard and they are scared? If so how do they move past it?

My next test will be January.

In January, my family and I are traveling to the gold coast to surf a tournament. Maybe with them all there I’ll feel better about it. That is a lot of money spent if I chicken out again. A lot of wasted time as well. No pressure, no. Just my entire family let down if I chicken out.

For now I can focus on more pleasant thoughts. Christmas date with my wife and a long birthday weekend. The first few days will be the family and the last few just we two.

For those from twitter curious which dress I picked it’s the white one. I already know the love in her touch and in her heart. I want to see the lust in her eyes!