It’s hard to believe that in February of 2015 I began this wonderful Journey to feeling whole. I began a journey to give me back my face.
It’s been nearly two years and things are much different now than they used to be. Yet there are still days that I wake and I’m afraid to look in the mirror.
I feel terrible that I doubt. I doubt so so heavily that it’s true I feel like I’m maybe letting God down for the wonderful gift he gave me.
But there’s still some doubt inside; that lingering feeling that is all a dream and I’m going to wake up to the nightmare. They’re still times in public that I reach for my face to make sure the monster isn’t showing.
Is it wrong? What’s wrong with me that I cried myself to sleep last night? I was feeling overwhelmed by disbelief, desperation and yes thankfulness. I don’t even really know why I cried really. There were so many reasons and feelings.
I just know that the number of emotions I felt were strong and they were real. I also know that I have so little I should complain about and so much to be thankful for. Yet in my mind I still have doubts and disbelief. After all god has done for me why is that?
I’ve been blessed with so many wonderful gifts and yet still I question him. I still doubt in some of the gifts he’s given me. I’m still fearful of waking up.
Yesterday I found myself without my ears for a time. It was horrifying and terrifying to me. The doctor fixed it very quickly with a simple adjustment. But I found myself doubting and wondering why he was taking it away. I’m mortified by my lack of faith and such a simple set back. In reality it wasn’t even that bad, but at the moment my world was ending.
In desperation I panicked and in panic I woke Sarah.
Emotionally yesterday was a tough day. I knew my ears should work and I was just having a problem when I put them on they didn’t work. I still don’t even know why other than the equipment got out of alignment.
But the doctor’s office adjusted them and now they work. Yet I doubted the gift for a moment.
I found myself doubting everything that yesterday. From the moment I woke up and was afraid to look in the mirror. I doubted the gift of my one face, the one face I was born with. I doubt it so much yesterday and I have no clue why.
I feel like an ungrateful petulant child. The moment things felt wrong I doubted. I doubted what my mind knew, what my hands could touch and what my eyes could see. I doubted all the truth plainly on display.
So the big question is after nearly two years with my new face.
Is it normal you still have those moments where I doubt?
is it normal to still fall into a panic when my ears don’t work?
Or am I being ungrateful for all that God has done for me?
I know how blessed I am. Trust me I know he’s given me wonderful love in my life, two wonderful children and a terrific family beyond compare. He’s giving me an incredible mind and great health. He has given me a Voice when I had none. He has giving me my ears so that I may hear. He has giving me my face back after evil stole it. He’s giving me all these wonderful things and so much more and yet somehow I still doubt. I doubted him I doubted myself and I doubted in reality.
So I’m struggling with. Is it normal? Am I normal? Is this just part of the process? Is it normal to doubt even when the proof is overwhelming?
Peace and love,