Today is 652 days or 1 year, 9 months and 12 days since I last cut myself.
Do I struggle at times? Yes.
Do I still feel shame, unloved, sad, unworthy at times? yes
Do I still sit sometimes and cry as I trace the scars? Yes
Do I still remember the evil that started it all? Yes
But I am stronger now, reconnected with my faith, open to those who love me and honest about when I need help or feel like I am in danger of hurting myself again. I am 652 days older and wiser now.
The hardest thing I’ve learned and accepted is I am not strong enough on my own. But having learned it I eagerly await 700 days cut free, followed by 2 years (731 days) cut free and looking toward 1,000 days which isn’t that far off.
With each day I need only that which I already have to beat this. It’s a struggle and I’d be lying to make bold claim to the counter. Each day, each hour, each minute and each moment there is temptation. But I can resist and when I feel too weak to continue resisting I have islands of strength. So I go to the islands and recharge.
Being totally open about my life, my feelings and my past with those who love me so has set me free in ways that just recently I wouldn’t have believed possible. But first I had to make the scary choice of becoming transparent to those I knew really loved me.
Today is 652 days and I am now 5 hours and 28 minutes closer to 653 days. I know each minute closer is cause to celebrate, even if just a little.