Please, please, please tell someone you can trust. I know you can’t say what hurts or why. But open up to them.
I’ve learned so many things over the years of cutting. One is don’t hide it from those who love you. No seek their help, understanding and love.
I hide my cutting from my parents, my lover and wife, my son and the world.
I was wrong
I thought I was strong enough to do it alone. I was Wrong!
I thought they’d think less of me. I was wrong!
I thought they’d blame me for being weak. I was wrong!
The truth is I wasn’t strong enough to beat the addiction alone. I wasn’t strong enough to make myself better alone. I certainly wasn’t strong enough on my own to stop. I needed them, I needed their strength and support.
No one who loved me ever felt less of me for it. They may not have understood why or even what hurt. They just knew I was hurting horribly bad. They wanted to help even when they had no clue how.
They never blamed me ever. Not once.
One thing I did learn about hiding it was the people I loved felt shut out, they felt like I didn’t trust them, and that they did something wrong to make me rather lie to them than talk to them. Those lies hurt so many people so badly. My hiding it, and not trusting those who would be my rock was worse than the pain of seeing me hurt myself.
Martin told me, “Kuwie,what did I do to you that would cause you to not lean on me?” He was talking about my cutting. He wanted me to come wake him if I had to, he wanted me to talk to him. Is that unfair for him to ask of me? No he’s my brother.
My son told me in rehav that me hiding my cutting hurt him worse. Why? Because each time he was getting hopeful mom beat this ugly addiction he’d learn I didn’t trust him enough to reach out and ask for help.
These are some of the messages I got from those who truly love me. They all said they felt they had done something to lose my trusting them and they felt I’d lied by hiding it. When I began being an open book to them is when my life began to change. I have many rocks now to cling to when things get rough. I know they won’t judge me either.
So when I feel the need I’m going to ask for help. If I screw up I’m going to be honest and just say I screwed up and I need your strength. And you know what? They will come and hold me up when I am weak. They will plug the holes in my mind with hugs, love and warmth. Does this mean I’ll never screw up again? Likely not. But it means if I do screw up, they will be the first I run to.
If you have thoughts of hurting yourself, ask for help. If you have hurt yourself, be honest with those you trust with your heart.If you are hiding it, you are lying to them and that hurts them more than the blade could ever.
Please listen to someone who has been on that road before. Trust them enough to go to them. You’ll be glad you did.
Love and hugs,