Last night was a hard night for me. The first I’d had in many months. No there were no nightmares, but sleep was not to be. I lay in wakened coma as demons from the past dared me to sleep.
I did not lay waken by fear of sleep. In my sleep I would find a measure of peace within myself. My angel still protects my dreams.
No it was hard because I’d read the medical records that finally arrived for our new daughter Tina. So much pain I felt for her. She’s so little and has come so far carrying so much weighted evil.
I’ve always known the cruelty of mankind. I’ve been on the receiving end before. But cruelty to a child as little as she? It boggles my mind. And worse from those charged to protect you! This part bothers me the most because I’ve known the love of great parents. I know what a parent is and the love and comfort found in their arms.
Needless to say I was disturbed and images that swirled in my head all night. Demons from my own past who had been silent came to keep me company in this silence. It’s hard because I remember and yet it’s fading slowly the evil from within. I remember the trials, the tests, and the triumphs but the pain had been fading.
Last night I felt it again and I felt it for her. Deep, horrible pain.
I sat staring out the window in our living room and even as the sun greeted my eyes I did not move. I just stared in despair and distress as the morning came. Nothing broke that gaze, nothing moved in my sight. There was only a silent gaze into the oblivion beyond.
I just sat there unmoving and unaware of time or self. Reading her past and remembering mine. Then silence, emptiness, pain, hopelessness, loneliness and despair. No time, no light, no dark, just the gaze into oblivion.
Yeah a tough night alone within the abyss inside myself. I actually found myself missing my monster because I wanted to hide from it all. I really thought I needed it’s strength.
That is until the very subject of my own recounting of evil grabbed my hand.
As I snapped to realizing a little hand had taken mine and was dragging me somewhere. Only then did my gaze divert from oblivion to the here and now. In a moment the pain was a memory and the fog in my eyes cleared.
It was Tina who was scolding me for not going to bed “at a proper time”. She dragged me to the table and set out 3 bananas, one for her and two for me and a box of frosted flakes. She grabbed the milk, two bowls, spoons and (shudder) more sugar for her cereal. Yup she made momma breakfast.
I don’t know why but I cried like a baby. Here is this little angel who was sent to me making me breakfast and scolding me for not sleeping. She’s seen so much evil and still she sees the world with the eyes of a child. I felt stupid for spending all night lost in pain when that isn’t how she sees the world.
For me that world of a child died a lifetime ago. Somehow she never lost it, or perhaps has found it again. Someday maybe she’ll tell me which it is.
So much evil has come to her life and she still dances, plays and celebrates like all she’s known is good. Her world still has magic and wonderment. This precious little angel seems removed from her own past and happy, so very happy in the here and now. Her eyes see this world as bright and wonderful and her smile tells me all I need to know of her heart.
Perhaps my daughter will be my teacher as there are things it seems I can learn from her. It seems my monster was strong indeed, but love is many magnitudes greater still. So much she can teach and yet her first decade isn’t even finished while three have passed for me.
Odd how our children teach us more about living than we could ever know.
I love my daughter and look forward to her continued lessons,
Michelle aka mommy