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To the people who should have known before the rest of the world I’m truly sorry. Michelle in a moment of weakness made a statement we hope will come to pass. It is true we’ve been in discussions, training and all that is involved in fostering a child.

Second yes we have one in mind and she is deaf. Like any child in foster care there is a back story but we aren’t able to share that just yet. In all honesty we probably will never be able to share her story openly. Her own safety and privacy has to come first. Suffice it to say if you are in foster care and up for adoption some very bad things probably occurred to get you there.

So I’m sorry to those I should have told that I never told you about the possibility of us fostering a little girl. I believed in all honesty it to be a horrible longshot at best. I didn’t think given we are a lesbian couple, Michelle’s past and current mental state and for so many more reason that this dream and desire had even a snowballs chance in hell.

Well this snowball appears to be protected by Jesus magic. It survived hell and things are beginning to look like they may go our way.

We got married because Hawaii requires it to foster and well frankly it was about damn time. I’m sure us becoming married was no real surprise considering the state we live in and her medical condition.

We got married for a number of reasons. Love, longevity and happiness are among them but more practically the insurance costs are cheaper and I can more easily make decisions for her without using power of attorney which got challenged twice in the first year she was in the psychiatric ward. As her spouse there are none of those concerns anymore.

I know Michelle was very embarrassed about fostering. Not because of the fostering itself but because her past and mental stability have been in question during this entire process. We’ve undergone the testing, had to jump through so many hoops I’ve lost count, we had to get doctors notes clearing Michelle. The entire process has been draining, humiliating, and difficult at best.

All the while I’ve been praying to Jesus that when this falls through that he help Michelle accept that now just isn’t the time. I’ve been so worried this will totally crush her.

My belief this wouldn’t happen anyway is honestly what has kept me from letting you know. How embarrassing would it be if I told you we were getting this little girl and it all feel apart? It would seem like a big fat lie. But it wouldn’t be a lie or would it? I didn’t believe we’d get her and even now I still have my doubts.

So I continue to pray that is this falls apart (and there is still a possibility of exactly that happening) that my lord Jesus will fill her heart keeping it from getting totally crushed! She has such a beautiful and caring heart and that’s one of many reasons I adore her so. She’ll make a fantastic mom to this little girl and it would be so wonderful if we got her. But I’m not holding my breath.

Michelle is really embarrassed by the whole ordeal. They’ve dragged everything up on her. All her mental health issues, her suicide attempt, everything. It’s one thing when she decides to talk about it but it’s something entirely different when you’re forced to defend yourself as she has been during this ordeal. Sometimes it feels more like an attack on her and I than protecting this little girl.

She’s pushed through it with a determination I haven’t seen from her in sometime. That’s the whole reason I back her on this. If she is this passionate then her heart is in this. If her hearts in this then I support her no matter what.

How can I deny her that?

Do I want this little girl as well? It would be a nice addition to our family and I would be more than just thrilled if this comes to pass. But I’m guarding my heart on this because the odds are still not in our favor.

Even now after months our odds still look slim. But they’ve improved over time and there is a chance they will continue to improve. Especially after the team of doctors letter. In it they said many things, among them “Michelle shows no propensity to self-harm and there is no evidence she has ever harmed others.” And “Michelle is a great mother and the interactions with her son are both heartwarming and special.” And last but not least “It is our conclusion that Michelle’s mental attitude and stability would be improved if you were to place this child with her. Having a new responsibility would greatly benefit Michelle and it is our view she’s a fit and able mother.

Perhaps in time I’ll share the entire letter with you. I’d have to check with Michelle about that. But a fit and able mother is pretty high praise I think.
Anyway sorry you found out this way on the blog. Honestly neither of our dads or moms knew. We were too embarrassed to tell them in case something went wrong. Michelle opened a can of whoop ass last night when her dad learned even after you here on her blog. He read it here first as did my mother. He wasn’t mad we’re adopting or considering it. No he finds that admirable and decent. It was when we decided to tell him or not tell him as the case maybe.

My mother was very upset we hadn’t called her first. Michelle is sometimes impetuous and there in lay the error of posting this not just too soon but prior to talks with those who matter most in our lives. It’s caused a great many problems and hard feelings coming out this way. Especially considering this is far from a done deal.

Those who matter now know and from those we’ve heard from they’re excited and happy for us both. They can’t wait to meet our new addition if or when it happens.

I honestly wanted to wait a while longer until it looked more certain. But I guess it’s too late for that now. If you pray I’d ask you to pray for two things please.

  • If this is meant to be that Jesus grant us the strength and wisdom to be the best parents we can be.
  • If this falls apart that Jesus Christ descend on my Michelle and keep this from totally crushing her totally awesome heart.

Thank you my friends and to those we should have told first I am so very sorry. Please forgive me for my judgment. It’s not that I don’t trust you, don’t love and admire you, or don’t want you involved. It was and perhaps is still too early to be getting your hopes and mine up.

Sarah

PS Sorry we can’t give more details on our hopeful new addition. We may have already said more than we are allowed to. I promise to let people know what I can, when I can from here on out. Thank you, good night and God bless.