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June 12 is one year since I tried to take my life for the second time. I will likely be off line most of that day. I’ve prepared a few things to auto post for a day or two. I want to celebrate and reflect. I don’t know but I expect it will be a day of joys and pains. But I’ve prepared this for you my readers and some auto posts. Sarah or I may approve comments but I likely won’t reply for a bit.

Today I say thank you for NO!

What a difference a year can make. How prophetic our words when we’ve given up on life. Here were mine so true then and truer still today. I wrote this one year ago on June 12, 2014.

“Thank you father for this day, just basking in your wonder.
Reminder just how great you are, not to steal your thunder.
Darkness comes and so does light, safe from going under.

Your daughters call heard by you, from her time of need.
You did not turn and will not flee, even when I bleed.
My heart is yours, fill it please, I beg you plant your seed.

Make of me what you desire, my heart and mind are yours.
From the pit long forgotten, please open up new doors.
Lead me to a time of peace and free me from dark wars.

I’m bleeding and begging for your heart, upon my bended knee.
Open my eyes, show me your light and teach my heart to see.
Eyes deceive and in ears lies weave, with heart alone I know thee.

I am little and broken so, your mercy I beg to heal.
Memory long past that haunt me so please steal.
Right my ship, unfurl the sail, set my even keel.

Or take my life and claim it yours, I beg you set me free.
Speak the words, see it so, tonight in heaven I’ll be.
This I ask as blood does flow upon my bended knee.”

I lay bleeding after finishing it. Funny how prophetic. I saw death then as my only freedom. Not only did I not die, here I am now stronger than ever. See this day June 12 of last year I put a kitchen knife into my chest. I begged god to take my life and make it his.

I didn’t know how prophetic the words truly were at the time. Today I do bask in the wonder around me, his gift to me, the above and below. I am also one year later safe from going under. For perhaps the first time I’ve not had any thoughts of doing real harm to myself.

I’ve been nervous and don’t trust myself around sharps. I know what I’ve done with them in my past. Hopefully this to in time shall pass. I honestly don’t need reminders mentally I have plenty physically.

I begged god to plant a seed and not abandon me while I bleed. He didn’t, I know he stayed with me. It’s a miracle I survived at all.

I begged him to lead me from wars. My nightmares are gone, my wars seem won, my Rome stands as beautiful as ever. How right was I from my eyes deceived, my ears weave lies and only my heart could see.

I begged him to take these memories. Well I still have them but with medical help, time and faith they don’t haunt me as they had. Today I sail on even keel just as I asked that day.

“Or take my life and claim it yours, I beg you set me free.
Speak the words, see it so, tonight in heaven I’ll be.
This I ask as blood does flow upon my bended knee.”

As blood poured down I cried, I knew he was going to take me to heaven that very night. it was almost so. By the time I’d gotten to the hospital they started blood infusion immediately with three lines, I’d lost more than half my blood. I was dying.

As the doctors prepped the operating room and wheeled me from Sarah I’d lost so much blood my heart stopped. It was a pretty desperate situation. I thought for sure this was it, I’ll be with God tonight. But the answer to that came soon enough as at some point they got my heart restarted.

The answer was clearly NO. Now I see all the hard work, the doctors and the faith and I got what I asked. My life spared and memories stolen and vision with my heart. Just as I’d prayed and so it is now.

Looking back I see how dark and hopeless things seemed. Today after much help of course I find myself by far less dark. There may be shadows still but the darkness that covered everything is now very weak. What a long road it’s been from darkened path to light.

Today I will walk the beach and remember the sun. Today I celebrate life returned and prayers unanswered, at least not the answer I’d hoped for. Today I say thank you for the word every five year old knows all to well. Thank you for NO!

NO quitting, NO dying, NO giving up, NO letting me go, thank you for NO!

From my beautiful wife who never let go, to the doctors who said no she won’t die here, to the doctors who said no you’re staying and getting help, to my family who said no you need this, to every friend who prayed, cheered and loved me forward who said “NO I WON’T QUIT EITHER”, to God himself for saying NO it’s not your time. Thank you all for NO!

One day at a time. Life is beautiful.

~Michelle

Love you all, I’ll catch up soon. I promise.