First off Insanitybytes can be found here: I will refer to her as IB in future portions of this post.
Yesterday I was talking about my hurt. I asked what would Jesus have done had he been in my mom church and heard those people call me a “whore” and “that girl”. What would he have done had he been there?
I talked about the years faithless because of my treatment at the hands of these people who are supposed to emulate Jesus. How this was the one place I thought I’d be welcome as the good choice not to murder the baby I carried. I mean these are the people of Jesus who value life and here a victim of rape choose life for a baby conceived in a violent and brutal way.
I honestly felt I would be welcome as a hero (sort of to speak) among Jesus’s people. Instead week after week I endured the sneers, the names, the dirty looks. That hurt is one I’ve yet to get over. Anyway I talked a bit about this driving me from God, and further into depression and darkness. Fifteen years of cutting, a decade plus lost from God and 2 suicide attempts.
Now that you have the back ground. A very kind soul asked “Oh ((hug)) Where did you find the support you needed?”
I think that deserves a proper answer and I’ll do my best here to answer that.
I guess I should start by saying when everything was fresh I tried psychiatrists, support groups and church. One failure after another was the result. Perhaps I wasn’t ready for the help but I believe the death spiral started when I lost my faith. When I lost my faith I lost my heart. I pretty much shut down inside.
The support was always there. The woman who became my wife and has always been my best friend, my son as he grew, my brothers and sisters and my parents. The support was there, I didn’t reach for it.
More than a decade in a godless state (I did some terrible and unforgivable things during this time, things I will surely answer for) I wandered. I rediscovered my faith about four years ago now. Since then my life has taken a dramatic up turn on many fronts. I have my Cochlear Implants now. My face is fully mine again.
I attribute this upturn to faith. You might argue faith Michelle? I say yes. It might have been just believing in something improved my mood and reasoning skills, it might be divine intervention. Pick whichever you like but I attribute the upturn to faith.
About two years ago I was hit hard right between the eyes by Sercet Angel and pastor Dan Ledwith. I wrote about that in I am little, I am broken, I am good. It was the shot in the arm I needed to restore my faith to full strength and it’s been a roller coaster since. New and improved implants, better understanding of speech and a restored perspective in Christians over all. Not all of them are as mean as the ones I’d known.
Of course I made exceptions for family because they were nice not because of being Christian but simply because they were family. But these two helped open my eyes to my blind hatred. Not with words mind you but with love.
It all started here with this post and my comments, emails and friendship that followed. Lucky for him secret and I had already connected and my wife Sarah got me to a church full of good loving people. Honestly I don’t think he’d have stood a chance against the hatred I harbored.
I can’t share his email, it’s personal and I don;t have permission but he didn’t even tear down my relationship with Sarah. He surprised me and did something quite the opposite. He told me “It’s not my place to judge but to love where you are in your journey.” To say this floored me from a conservative Christian pastor is an understatement.
I continued seeing psychologists, some good and some not so good and one with an open lawsuit (long story).
I volunteered at the women’s shelter, the teen crisis center and the rape counselling center. There was some therapy in helping others. Even in my godless years I was searching for answers and peace. I looked for help (even if I wasn’t truly ready to accept it) and I tried helping others as much to help myself as anything.
All this said you ask where “I” found the support. I’d tell you my key support, family, wife, long time friend and boy friend TJ, son Josef; well they never left. I was blinded to them for a time, but they never left me. As for the rest of my support it kind of found me. mostly by accident or happenstance.
When the blinders were removed by the song broken girl support just seemed everywhere. I must admit I continued a darkened trail but I had hope now.
A psychiatrist tried regression hypnotherapy on me and it went horribly wrong. My nightmares became daymares, there was no safety in sleep or waking hours for me. Combine that with being deaf again for longer than expected with the second surgery, running out of medication for my anxiety and it made for trouble and a second attempt by my hands on my life.
After my second suicide attempt eleven months ago support I needed found me. I ended up in a great psychiatric program with some doctors who truly understand me. They haven’t lived my life but two of them have been victims of abuse, turned out by people of god, and traveled alone and godless for a time.
I didn’t find the support, it found me.
I believe that sir is the best answer I can provide. I didn’t find the support I needed, it found me. Every person who was always there, never left. The new people who entered my life my mistake or whatever reason became support. I returned to prayer and faith and hope was renewed. Every event came to me.
Form the right Christians to repair my hope, to the right doctors, and the right people. They all found me and dragged me from lost to found kicking and screaming most of the time. But they dragged me to were I needed to be and hence my support found me.
I hope that completely and thoughtfully answers your kind question.