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_enough

First off the picture used is old. Long after I started. You can see more and more pain becomes the addiction. With the pain came pleasure, orgasmic pleasure. Also came relief and a sense that I deserved the pain. I was so horribly broken that I felt I deserved it.  Cutting eventually earned me many stitches, admissions to various psych wards and one nearly deadly even.

Maybe had I gotten help sooner but I myself was in denial. Maybe it’s the shame families feel, I mean how messed up must you be to do that? It was a desperate cry for help to deal with a pain so raw I couldn’t vocalize it. But because of the stigma attached to self-harm and the shame it brings a family, my parents believed me when I promised to stop.

They believed it every time. In honestly looking back. I only promised so I could continue in private. I began cutting in places they wouldn’t look or wouldn’t suspect. Under the arms, inside my lips (yes both sets), anywhere that was easier to conceal but still I could get pain from it. They were my secret wounds.

Secret wounds,

In the cover of night, always alone

I’d cut so deep, right to the bone

The pain inside matched the pain without

Something personal, something to hide

No one will listen, none to confide

The pain inside matched my own doubt

These are my thoughts, as razors edge

Skin pulls loose, open v shaped wedge

The pain inside and the pain does shout

Blood does flow, its free, its free

Tears do fall, for me, for me

The pain inside and the bloodless drought

Pain my friend, this pain I need

Someone help me, now I bleed

The pain inside and the pain about

Each secret wound, a cry to you

Secret cries and you never knew

The pain inside and the pain without

Suffer in darkness, pleasure for pain

Suffer alone, secrets bared plain

The pain inside and all my doubt

Too long I suffered, to long indeed

Too long I cut, too much I bleed

The pain inside, no more pain without

I have been more than 10 moths, almost 11 cut free. It feels good to be free of the need for pain. I still hurt inside but I think it’s more under control. I no longer feel the need to match my pain outside. Maybe I am finally free of cutting.

I call it the secret wound because those who cut suffer in silence. They feel alone, they cut alone, others put them down for it. Others may scream and yell (as my parents did) and never understood the cutting was not the problem but much deeper was the real problem. All the yelling and screaming just added to my own feelings of inadequacy. My pain was so terrible that all other emotion was cut away.  Pain was all that remains and if I wanted to feel it was through pain that I could.

It gave me a sense of control of my feelings. I know now it blinded me to all the others. But I was so broken and so damaged I couldn’t see that.  Those so broken won’t hear your screams, feel you love, or see your pain. They are so consumed by their own pain they are melting in the fire inside. I know I was.

Cutting is an outward manifestation of an intense internal pain. An intense, senseless, inexplicable and unbearable pain. I would encourage you, if someone you care for is cutting. Get them help. The sooner they get help the better. Don’t believe the promises to stop. They may honestly mean they will stop but cutting is a cry for help from a place so desperate that they believe they deserve to hurt.

Ask yourself that when your child, lover, friend, even parent is suffering and cutting. Ask how badly do they have to be hurting inside to do this? I know there are people who will say “I’d never do that to myself” and my answer is this; then you’ve never been that broken.

You’ve never been so broken that you can’t feel except pain and you think you deserve to hurt. You’re in a place where you justify it as emotion, control or whatever your mind has to say to justify it. You’ve never been in a pain so bad that you can’t even describe it, you can’t even cry for it, and inside the fire is melting you.  When you find out someone has been cutting, they may be in just this much pain. Don’t ignore it please.

I’m thankful to the support system that has stayed true and helped me escape the secret wounds and the pain inside. We are far from done and I may never be free of the pain inside but I am learning how to ask for help even when I don’t know exactly what is hurting. That’s the worst part of this all. Such a terrible pain and yet you can’t tell them how much, where it hurts or even why.

So looking forward to the weekend. Sunday Is mothers day, Monday is my sons sixteenth birthday and Tuesday will be 11 months officially cut free and 11 months since I failed to kill myself for the second time. Yeah what a big weekend ahead for me and I deserve the happiness. God that’s been way to long since I really believed that, I deserve the happiness. It feels good saying it.

~Michelle