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In the early morning hours of June 14th, 2014 on that fateful Thursday morning I tried to end my life for the second time. That day Rome crumbled and burned and my mind was ablaze. Darkness pressed every edge of my mind and my nightmares followed me to waking hours.

At a time I needed rescue the most there was no quarter, no life line. So with my attention fixed on the subject at hand I set out to end the pain forever. The nearest object was a eight inch kitchen knife I thought that will do. I’d also thought of bringing a small knife surfing and letting the sharks eat me. But that would take longer. So I opted for the kitchen knife because I couldn’t take it anymore, not one moment more.

So I plunged that knife into my chest aiming for my heart. I missed they said by a centimeter or less as the knife was deflected off my rib. I should have died that night. I did actually. Which is part of what I wanted to talk about today in this post too.  I’ve been stewing on whether to post this or not.

A fellow blogger posted about a dying man (his father in-law). He wondered what his father in-law saw. He had questions about death. http://chrismartinwrites.com/ is where he writes. Look back a few days from todays post and you will see some touching and heartfelt moments captured in words.

As someone who has been very near death more times than I should admit. I’ll tell you in detail what I saw and felt.

There is a warm and a light. The most beautiful light I’ve ever seen. It’s not too bright but it’s all you can see. The light is also warm and very inviting. Beyond that light is warm arms that embrace you and you want to stay. You feel peace a total peace and the love. It was an incredible accepting love, all without a word spoken.

I wasn’t called by name but the figure knew me. It was evident in his touch and there was no pain. I couldn’t recall a single pain I’d ever suffered. Only a joy and  a peace in the still of that moment.

Then I was ripped from the arms and the light dimed and I was back here. Back to pain and back to hell. I believe in hell I’ve lived it.


That was the day my heart stopped in the trauma room. I was 14 the first time I died. My heart stopped for 3 minutes and a second time it stopped. Both times I was home with my father in heaven. Twice that day I felt him touch me and welcome me home.

To say I was happy about returning would be a lie. I wanted to stay where there was no pain, only love, acceptance and peace. Each time I returned the pain was so terrible. There was only pain within and without with the bright lights in my face, the doctors and nurses where everywhere. It was chaos and pain.

Twice I’ve tried to kill myself after that. I wanted that peace because for me life was hell. Memories of that day a fourteen year old girl was raped, beaten and nearly murdered haunted me. My first attempt my heart stopped two days later in the ICU and the second attempt it stopped just as the wheeled me from Sarah to the operating room.

One other time I cut way to deep and I nearly died. Why did I cut? I cut to feel something, anything in this dead world. But I ended up cutting to deep and nearly bleed to death. They said my heart never stopped but for a moment I was there again. In my father’s arms, warm, safe, loved, protected and at peace.

Today I no longer wish to die. Well I no longer wish to die by my hands. Enough of my own blood has been spilled. My past still haunts me and I still wish for that embrace once more. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish to feel that love and peace again. I’d be lying to say I wished to remain here with this pain.


What sane person would wish to remain in pain knowing what awaits on the other side of life? What did your father in-law see my friend? He saw his heavenly father calling him home. He saw a warm and inviting light where pain, anger, and hate no longer exist. All that is left is joy, happiness, peace, and love. Honestly who wouldn’t welcome that?


But I shall wait until he calls me home. Next time I pray he doesn’t make me come back. I want my hell to finally end. I don’t pray for death, but I don’t fear it. I welcome it when my time comes. But I do pray the next time he embraces me let it be the last time as well. Don’t let go and don’t make me come back.

I truly beg that of god. Don’t make me come back after showing me what lays just beyond my mortal reach. I want that embrace once more and my pain to finally come to an end. I’ve spent enough time in hell and I think I want to try heaven a while thank you.

Five times I have known that embrace and five times I’ve known a love so powerful it crushes every pain, every hate and every anger. I understand he was comforting me but I wish it had been my time and he’d have kept me any of the five times he has embraced me.

I still struggle today wishing those men had killed me. it would have been a mercy. It would have spared me a lifetime of hell and pain. Knowing what awaits if I am patient is one of the few things that make this life bearable at all. Knowing my reprieve is already written and my father waits just outside this hell I endure.

Chris what did your father in-law see? He saw and felt peace and love and his fathers embrace. It’s honestly the best place anyone can be and where I hope he calls me home to sooner than later. But I’ll wait my time.