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Suicide,

A response to: https://myhumaninterest.wordpress.com/2015/04/02/suicide/

Some would say suicide is a selfish way out. They don’t understand it at all then if that is their honest opinion. Suicide isn’t about selfishness so let me explain my attempt. Maybe you will come to see it’s not selfishness but desperation in most cases of suicide.

Suicide is a rational decision made from a set of irrational parameters.

What the frack are you talking about Michelle? Suicide is a rational choice? Yes, yes it is. So let me explain.

In my case I was just fourteen when my life as I knew it ended. Raped, beaten, bloodied, faithless, broken and shattered is how I was left.

Raped? Obviously I mean I’d been raped. My rape was brutal, prolonged and repeated. Five men took turns beating and raping me. They violated me in every way possible including orally, anally and vaginally. These men were cruel and twisted and seemed to delight in my agony. All five men came inside me in every way and every place. They didn’t seem to care about my tears, my pain or my blood.

Beaten? Obvious again. They punched me, slapped me, kicked me. I had broken ribs, a broken pubis bone, a dislocated hip, a shattered cheek and lost eight teeth. They left some of my flesh on the table they slammed me against and raped me on. I had bruises over large portions of my body as well as many more than a dozen places I was bleeding from. I had cuts and scraps on my hands and arms, my legs, chest and back. My face was caved in and I was bleeding from where they tore my vagina and my anus. They were far from gentle with me. I know surprised right? Didn’t think you would be.

Bloodied? Obvious again. I was bleeding from many parts of my now broken body. My fourteen year old innocence stolen and proof that monsters are indeed real now firmly planted in my mind on that day. Evil is indeed real.

Faithless? Following my rape my faith in god was seriously challenged. I believed in a good, just and loving god. How could he do this to me? There were no answers and my faith crumbled in the time that ensued. As my faith crumbled so did my spirit and belief in god, goodness and mankind.

Broken? Victims including me start questioning what they did wrong. I asked many what if’s while looking for answers. I asked what I did wrong. I know I was pretty broken to ask that question. Many victims become this broken. Because there are no real answers other than the evil mankind is capable of which is the only answer though not very comforting.

Shattered? I was shattered in so many ways. My mind, my body, my faith, just everything. My world ended on that day in so many ways. That childlike wonder of the world, the innocence of a child and even my own humanity died that day. My face was altered forever, the very identity I showed to the world wasn’t me anymore. It was what I was left with afterward. I was left shattered.

These men took everything from me that day. My face, my faith and my soul. They condemned me to a living hell. These injuries and this experience haunted me. I woke with nightmares. I was tortured by the very legal systems meant to protect me.

Tortured by the legal system? Michelle you’ve gone to far! Again here me out.

I was humiliated at the hospital, and forced to relive my experience to see these men, no these monsters placed and remain in jail. The cage all monsters belong in.

At the hospital they poked and prodded me. They took pictures and so many people looked at me naked and examined my vagina and anus that I lost count. All those pictures, all those people and the fingers poking and prodding me was humiliating. It was very traumatic. Almost as traumatic as the rape itself. Each time they examined me they might as well have just raped me too. At least it seemed that way at the time.

Five trials, you think that would be enough? No there were appeals, parole hearings and requests for retrials. Each time I was forced to appear and relive the day my life ended just to keep the monsters caged. Each time I had to see these monsters in the flesh. Every time I relived it I could feel them inside me again. I could feel my face as it was shattered, my body as they broke it. Every time I cried and every time it hurt.

You would think this is enough? NO! I was pregnant and made the brave choice to have the baby. So Michelle you were a hero! Wrong again. A single teenage mom and no one ever asked, no I must be a slut, a whore and one of “those girls”. No I was far from a hero. I was treated like a zero for the longest time.

When I went out I covered what face they’d left me with. On the occasion my face would fall apart or I didn’t have time to put it on the stares and questions forced me again to relive my nightmare. Every morning it greeted me. Every morning new pain.

Because of those men I still flinch at a man’s touch. Even to this day I flinch. My father, my son, every man in my life has paid a price for these men.

Suicide both times I tried it was in desperation. The last logical and rational choice left from the irrational mess left after that day. The nightmares never ended, the daily pains never ended, the reminders never ended. I was left stuck in hell itself and death was the only choice I believed I had left. I’d been to doctors and lots of them. I’d been to churches, priests, ministers, medication, doctors, institutions, counseling and more.

I was simply out of options. So was suicide selfish? No suicide was a rational decision to my world torn apart and left in perpetual pain and chaos. It was the last resort. Am I glad now I failed? You bet your life I am. But was it ever a selfish choice? No it was a rational if not desperate choice after all else seemed to have failed. And I tried it all.

~Michelle

Oh and for those who ‘study it” I am working on a degree in psychology myself to help those like me. I have not only lived it, I’ve studied it and you are straight up dead wrong with the label you have attached. Anyone who thinks otherwise has honestly never been there, they’ve only watched, read or thought about it.

For those left behind it may seem selfish. For those struggling to understand it may be easier to see it as selfish. But it’s far and away a choice of desperation and not selfishness at all. It’s the best a struggling mind can see and rationalize as a way to make it all stop.

Suicide is the last rational choice to a set of irrational parameters.

Want a better look visit the inside me deeply category on my blog and start with the oldest posts and work forward. It will let you inside a mind struggling to cope.