I’ve received so many messages, private messages, facebook, comments to the post, emails and other forms of support since posting, My eye doubt even proof. I must say sometimes the love and support can be as overwhelming as the pain and doubt. In a good way of course.
Love can wash over pain, support can remind us just how human we are and that’s a good thing too. I say so many but you only see a few comments, some were private messages, many were facebook messages and yes over 20 eamail messages from different people. Al told it was over 150 messangers full of love and support.
What I’ve learned from this post and the avalanche of replies is many things. But most importantly I’ve learned I’m not alone in struggling to believe. So many people told me of their personal struggles with faith and god. Even when they two had proof of their own. It seems only human to say yeah but…
I also was reminded by many that more than fifteen years of pain can’t be covered in a single moment, not even if that moment is a miracle. So it’s ok to doubt, hurt and cry as long as we are crying to let it out. It’s ok even to not know why we cry. I don’t know what hurt for sure. It wasn’t physical, but I was in terrible pain and I let it out.
Even now I don’t know what hurt, it just did.
I was reminded by a dear friend of my grandfathers words to me.
“Grandpa Mato gave me some hints for watering the seeds. In his last letter he said I had to plant them and when they bloom I would find my reconciliation. In my dream he told me water them with my tears. Tears allow the pain out and forgiveness grows when pain leaves. He told me love the seeds because love is forgiveness fertilizer and that these seeds will mend my heart and my spirit when they bloom.”
He was always so wise. A few took a moment to tell me grandpa Mato was still here and he had more to teach me.
I was comforted in my doubts by many. Some with biblical scripture that demonstrated just how even the disciples doubted their own eyes. How they two needed to touch to believe and even then they couldn’t believe. It was helpful to remind me it’s only human to doubt even the divine standing before you.
So much love. You can’t see me smiling right now but you can probably see my heart smiling through. I said it before I write to heal, but it seems I have touched a few lives as well. Your words helped greatly. I have to say now I read to heal as well.
So I wanted to take a moment to thank my friends and readers for the huge out pouring of love and support. It was very overwhelming and honestly I’m still processing through it all. But pain was erased with your love. Thank you and I love you all.