It’s been nine months almost since I tried to end my life. I was told that next week I get to spend nights and weekends outside the hospital (psych ward). I will still have group therapy and one on one every day. This also means I will soon begin working again. (yeah I’m nervous)
I no longer have the desire to hurt myself, cutting seems repulsive now. For that I’m thankful to the doctors but my freedom is long overdue. Oh to hold my Sarah every night, my goal is now at hand. I’ve come a long way. But what have a learned these nine months?
Well for starters, I relearned just how much I mean to Sarah and her to me. Our separation has been hard for me. At first seeing her only hours a day and supervised. I wasn’t able to hold her and I needed to. She loves me an awful lot to put her life on hold, move to Hawaii and change schools and jobs just to be with me.
I’ve had my son around a lot more than usual. I’ve liked that very much. I’ve learned just how much he loves me too. The little punk still beats me surfing now but I can live with that because my baby is growing up into a man. This past nine months I’ve seen him grow so much and my heart is filled with hope for his “Someday”.
(Yeah a reference to one of my other posts, sue me /smile)
Second I’ve learned to ask for help. The darkness may return but I’ve learned the early warning signs. I have to put pride aside and ask for help when it comes.
I’ve learned god is real, angels are real. Gods mercy is real and he loves me. That’s taken a while, a good slap in the face and divine intervention. But the message got through even my thick head.
I’ve learned life for everyone is bat shit crazy. Some more than others but we all have our burdens. Also there is always someone out there who has had it worse than you. I could sit around and complain about my shit hand in life or I could ask for new cards and make something more to my own liking. Life is about the game and not a single round. Today I’m all in.
I’ve learned so much and it still seems like so little. There is so much more I need to learn and it will take my life time and more to do so.
Just some more thoughts on today and an update as well. In the meantime enjoy life, even when it’s bat shit crazy. That seems to be when we learn the most about ourselves and our lives.
I’m looking forward to working Wednesdays and Fridays, They are going to be very long days for me. Well Wednesday at least since I have 10 hours of work plus 2 hours of group and 1 hour of one on one therapy. I’m begining to think they are only letting me out because they can’t afford to feed me any longer.
So much still left to do but I get to hold Sarah every night now! I get to have dinner everynight with my son! Help him with homework, go for walks and just get back to some normality. Life is great again.