My Star Wars shirt

My Star Wars shirt, I never knew I was wearing lessons for life

So few people know what it’s like to truly hate yourself. One reason I cut was hate, another of course was pain connected me to life. Inside I was dying in pain. I hated myself, I hated what they did to me, and I hated the daily reminder.

I hated myself enough I’ve tried suicide twice and my cutting got so bad I almost died once from that. It’s a very dark place I hope no one I know ever ends up. How can you help someone who hates themselves? I don’t yet have that answer fully. I know giving and showing them love is part of the puzzle. Because love is the only thing powerful enough to concur hate.

Hate is a powerful emotion. You see it in Star Wars. The sith are so strong, they’ve given in to hate and anger. This makes them powerful. I’ve learned it also makes them weak because hate has a weakness. Love weakens hate.

It’s a very dark place to hate yourself enough to wish you were dead and more to when you even try to kill yourself. From my last attempt, that day I woke in the hospital I didn’t speak to anyone and they all wondered why.

I was mad at myself for failing. I was mad that I wasn’t dead. I prayed for death, I had embraced it as my only way out. The only solution to ending the pain. For a while pain reminded me I lived. I thought like the Sith that pain was my friend, hate and anger could be channeled for greatness and good.

I know now why there are so few sith. Eventually pain, hate and anger lead to self-destruction. I couldn’t contain it anymore. Hate boiled over, anger festered and I tried to end it. I guess to survive I’d have to lose all that was good in me and for some reason a little speck of good remained.

Maybe I hated that little light for not going out. I know I hated god for allowing this to happen. I asked the question “God where the **** where you when I was being raped?” Yeah I asked it often. I hated him for not answering me. Only now to I realized that little light? It was his answer and he wouldn’t let me put it out.

I hated the men who did this, I can’t say today I love them. But I can say hate for them no longer festers. I find myself in some ways feeling sorry for them. It’s hard to explain right now so I guess we’ll leave it at that. I’m still sorting through how I feel now but since my face has been restored so much has changed in me.

I can say I hated myself that badly, hated past tense now. I can’t even begin to say how great I feel because words can’t do this justice.

As a Sith you use anger and hate to drive you. These are powerful emotions indeed. They have a down side, a dark side, Anger and hate feed despair and pain, they feed off love and hope. As love and hope fade the world becomes darker and the dark side is revealed. Your only companion is despair.

As a Jedi you use hope and peace to draw your power. Peace and hope feed on fear and they feed love to grow. Hope is more powerful than anger.

Star wars also taught me everyone can be redeemed with faith and hope. Darth Vader was redeemed because his hope had never been extinguished. Where just a shadow of hope remains fear can’t take full control.

I lived as a Sith for a time but like Darth Vader I was saved by the hope of my son. His hope and faith was greater than my anger and fear. I was brought kicking and screaming to the Jedi by the love of my son.

Thank you son I’ve been redeemed.

~Michelle styles journal entry 7, March 2015