At this point it’s safe to judge the surgery a total success. My journey in it’s physical form is complete. There are still many scars mentally but I can say I feel those fading also. If you asked me a year ago I’d have told you it was impossible to fix this.
Today even I’m a believer.
Most people (those outside my closest friends) never really knew my secret. They would read ‘Monster in the mirror’ and think I could see the scars on my soul. While it’s true I could I was really writing about my shattered face.
My morning routine was to get up, put in the prosthetic that covered the hole in my face. Without it a large hole about an inch and a half by a third of an inch is where my cheek used to have substance. After applying the prosthetic I’d apply the makeup and concealer. I would literally put on my face for the world.
I went through the trouble to avoid the questions of what happened to your face, avoid the stares, all to avoid revealing the monster that was left after my rape.
Why? Because I hated what they made me, the monster they left to die. I hated being reminded of that day. In some ways I hated the fact I hadn’t died. Do you know what it’s like to hate yourself for living? I do and it’s not a pretty place.
I would have never thought this possible. But they gave me back my face, 100% me. My flesh, my skin now completes my once shattered face. I can barely see the scar that’s left. I can feel my lovers lips upon my cheek. I no longer conceal a monster from the world. I no longer see it in the mirror.
It’s impossible to explain so I’ve included a picture to show you some of my monster. I have none without the prosthetic and this one probably wouldn’t have survived without Sarah saving it.
Below is a picture of my face after the prosthetic but before the makeup. And beside that my face today fully restored and without makeup.
Physically I am now whole. I’m still working on the monster left within, but that monster was a hero. I’m not working on killing it, I’m working on setting it free with the heroes good bye it deserves.
A hero? Yes, a hero. The monster inside stood guard while I was too weak to just go on living. All the while I hated myself for living it refused to let me just die. All the while I had no strength it let me borrow its strength. My monster inside is my hero and I will set it free as such.
So there maybe yet another entry or a couple into “my journey”. For now I have concluded the physical transformation to one face. I no longer have to hide my face from the world. The monster without is gone by the grace of god and the medical science of man.
I am whole at last.
It’s a short entry but more will come soon.
Peace, love and thanks to all who cared, cheered and prayed for me. My journey may still have bumps but this gaping hole in my face has filled the potholes left in my soul. Everyday I get stronger, everyday I heal more. I still reach for my face to make sure the world can’t see. But when I do I feel my finger on the new flesh and that brings a smile to my face.
I discovered I even have dimples. With all my heart thank you Dr. Palmer, may god bless you with many more miracles. My face is nothing short of his miracle through your hands.
To my heavenly father, you’ve healed my face, a promise fulfiled. If you can heal that I know you will heal the rest of me. My mind is no longer in pieces, my spirit is souring, and all praises and thanks to you for the miracle that you have shown me. I will never forget this.