, , , , , , , , , ,

My journey to one face (Update)

Well I have to say I may lose the bet with the doctor. I may owe him a cup of coffee. The lines are almost all gone. If they fade any further I may not be able to see them. SWEET! This is honestly one bet I’ll be happy to lose.

So for the update,

It’s been close to four weeks since I first saw my face after the surgery. Almost five weeks since the surgery. I can’t say I was impressed and that is simple honesty.

When I first saw it swollen, red and stitches I had my doubts. The doctor bet me a cup of coffee that no one would be able to tell once it healed. I was honestly wondering if I’d made a mistake and made everything worse. I was certain I was going to win that bet at the time.

With each passing week I find myself happier and happier with the results. The swelling went down and then the stitches came out and I began to think, “Hmmm just a few scars to cover, very minor.” Now the marks are all gone, the “scars” are lighter and disappearing. As the days progress I can see it less and less.

Soon the world will see Michelle reborn as a whole person. Soon.

What this has meant for my mental health?

Well fifteen years of habit is hard to break. I find myself still reaching to feel and make sure the prosthetic is still in place. Making sure the makeup that conceals it isn’t washed off. But as soon as I feel my fingers on my new flesh I smile. It kind of hits me “Oh yeah..” as I feel my own fingers.

That’s something I hadn’t felt with the prosthetic. My fingers would feel it but my cheek never felt my fingers. I actually wondered for the first few weeks if I touched the wrong side. In a moment or two reality sets in and I smile as it settles in.

I still worry what if it falls out? Again fifteen years of worry. It will fade I know this. I can walk down the street now and no one stares, well they aren’t staring; at my face at least. Hahaha. There are no gasps, points of questions about my face.

I know they are seeing me. The real me! And no more hiding the monster. No more fear of being seen aside from the fleeting moments of panic and habit.

My morning routine is still odd, I wake and head straight to the makeup drawer. Again, a habit from the fifteen years of hiding the monster from the world. This too shall pass in time. For now when I sit with the makeup and reach up I feel my face. It makes me smile. I put aside the makeup and prosthetic that hide me for so long.

I’ve gained an hour in my day not needing to put that damn thing on. I can’t begin to say how that makes me feel. I’m still processing it.

And for my spiritual health.

It raises my spirit each time I feel my own face. When I realize I don’t have to hide and people aren’t starring. Never again will I be asked in horror what happened to my face. That alone is a huge weight off my shoulders.

My new face is a reminder that prayers are answered. They are answered in the time our father in heaven sees is the right time. With the advances in modern medicine, now was the time.

As a girl, and a young mother I prayed to one day hear my sons voice. Being deaf since birth, that seemed highly unlikely. Yet God did this for me at 28 years old I got my implants.

I prayed as that same girl to have my face restored and for fifteen years I waited. He answered that prayer too. In some ways you could say he took his damn sweet time. I just say he answered my prayer in his time.

His time for this prayer placed me in reach of someone else suffering who had her faith challenged in a most brutal and unkind way. It challenged her faith in god, family and faith. His time placed me where I needed to be at a time and place he knew I needed to be.

I am reminded with each touch what it feels like to be whole. To never hide the monster again. I am reminded of his miracles which haven’t ceased to amaze me. I’m reminded he answers us in his own damn sweet time. When he answers it’s with great and wonderful applause that we should greet him.

My spirit soars at the triumph, blessings and for all that my heavenly father has restored. Will I ever be the innocent fourteen year old girl again? No. But I will never have to hide my face for fear of the questions which made me relive the worst day of my life.

I finally feel my darkness is over. The shadow and specter of my brutal rape is forever gone. One simple gift and one grateful daughter can curse the darkness and retire a monster.

Old habits will die hard. But each time the habit returns I’m reminded by the sensations of my own face now whole; of the love and blessings that are heaped upon me. Each touch brings a smile of joyful new memories to come.

Soon I will reveal my face to the world. But not until my promise has been kept. I made a promise to the one who has been waiting. He has waited a very long time to see the final results. The waiting one will be the first not presently here, no matter what! I’ve made a promise I intend to keep.

After that the grand unveiling will be my final post on this matter. I may share the monster, I may not. But I promise to share me now soon.