My journey to one face (Unexpected twists)
I decided to mix it up a little. This is still about my journey, but it’s not my general notes. It’s about something profound. So profound it took a lot of time to set in. I’m still absorbing everything but I must say something.
Sometimes these twists in the road may seem like going backward at the time. In reality we may be backtracking during these times. It may seem like a setback, a step back, going the wrong way. But I’ve been learning sometimes its Gods reset switch.
My journey to one face
While laid up in the hospital and still unsure, very much unsure if my face was healed. I received a command to go and see a young girl. Let’s call her Mary. The command was clear and the name unfamiliar.
“Go to Mary she is in need of me.” I said “I am not the right person, hell I can barely find hope enough for me right now.” But the command came again “Go to Mary she is in need of me.”
I thought me meant, well me. I relented and when I woke I asked to see Mary. The doctors said I must be mistaken there is no Mary here. I told them there must be because I knew she was here.
It was hard continuing to believe all the while being told I was wrong. After sometime and a few doctors, lots of private doctor meetings I was told she was here. I was asked how I knew and I said God told me.
Back that truck up Michelle. God? That’s what people were thinking. But they relented and let me see her.
You want to talk about fear? Everything inside me screamed you aren’t ready! You can’t do this, not yet! I knew going in there I would be forced to relive my past to connect. I knew she was in great pain and I’d have to be part of it.
Like I didn’t have enough pain right now? Both physically and mentally I was struggling. I was scared out of my wits. I had a full plate of my own with the surgery, psychiatric care and just life in general. But I asked myself if this was the right thing to do.
Here is my lightness test. What would a loving father do right now? I ask this because my god is my loving heavenly father. The only answer I came up with was charge through those doors and hold his daughter. He would make her safe no matter the cost.
I know it was my heavenly father to told me to go. He said she needed me! He was sending her someone to make her safe. That’s what I thought anyway.
So I went in prepared to fight in Gods place. I was ready to be his messenger if that is what he needed. I was ready to make her safe.
I sat and told her my story all the while she was quiet and unresponsive. It wasn’t until I got to hope and faith that she rolled over. She asked me the inevitable question I thought I would dread. “Then where was God?”
I didn’t dread it half as much as I thought I would. In the past while I struggled with knowing god this question bothered me. I knew the question needed to be answered in a way that reinforces faith. My faith is stronger now so I guess it’s why the question didn’t bother me so.
The answer came real easy I quoted John the Baptist and told her “He is here, now. He sent me to remind you of that. He sent me to show you that it hurts now but he will make you whole.”
She cried and we hugged and we rocked. I told her it’s been 15 years I lived with my face disfigured because of my attack. But today I am finally whole. All the scars are past me now. It doesn’t hurt as much. I told her god had done these miracles for me because he loves me and he loves her too.
I told her about hope and faith. I told her god was here now holding her. He is a good father and he is here, he never left. He was suffering all the while she was. He lived it too. I told her to never forget that and never let go.
I told her not to give in to the darkness that almost took my life. The darkness that robbed me of the love of my heavenly father. The only way to not fall victim is to know he has been there every step. He has suffered every blow, every rape, every wrong against her. He is also the only way out of the darkness and he is here now holding her hand trying to lead her out.
We talked for a long time, we cried a lot, we held each other and she knew she wasn’t alone. He was here now and I was the proof. She saw his love in the helper he sent.
One thing I learned talking to her that someone can understand. My own words to her showed me god has been through it all with me. When I say unless you’ve lived it you couldn’t understand. I came to realize he lived it with me. He does understand every ounce of the pain.
In so many ways she taught me more about me and god than I taught her. And she didn’t have to say much to do it. As a matter a fact all she had to do was listen. His word touched and healed two daughters that day.
His words placed in my humble mouth: “The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” —Deuteronomy 31:8
Twenty nine little words that opened a suffering child’s heart. They are not mine. They are many centuries older than I. But today they opened a heart. They started the question. “Then where was god?” What was my answer.
“I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever.” —John 14:16
He will give you another helper. How I didn’t know he was giving me another helper. This encounter may have helped Mary, but it surely helped me. They said what I did for Mary was incredible. The thing is I did nothing but obey. In doing so I found yet another helper god has sent for me.
What I learned it was a different “me” she needed. I was but a messenger to remind her that “ME” was already holding her. He had been and she couldn’t see him right now. The me that I was sent to deliver wasn’t me at all. It was him that she needed.
It’s amazing when we finally realize there is one person who HAS been there. Who HAS suffered your every pain. There is someone who understands us all too well and our past. The more amazing thing? He loves us anyway.
“Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation.” —Psalm 68:19
He came to me for what I thought was to help another. Instead he used me to remind me that he was here to help me. What and absolutely incredible father he is. He tries to give us all we need even before we know we need it.
Next time you think no one understands. No one has lived my life. God has lived every kindness, every cruelty, ever injustice in your life. Step by step with you he has lived it. When you had no strength he carried you because he had more than enough. When you needed him he was there, even when you couldn’t see.
He is the path from pain, darkness, and death to life. He wants to hold our hands and he will send helpers. Next time he asks you to help do it. You might just find you helped yourself more than you will ever know.