Michelle often speaks of herself as Caesar because the war against depression has been long and hard. I wrote this in the same way she’d refer to herself. I see Caesar standing and once more in charge of her army. Here is the story Caesar can’t see yet but every bit is true.
In the early morning of Thursday June 12th, 2014 I rushed Michelle to the emergency room. Caesar was dying and believed she’d lost the battle for her Rome. And it’s true the flames engulfed the city, it seemed hopeless.
The enemy advanced on every front and had returned with a vengeance. Caesar fought for her city for months before the day she fell. It’s true she fought hard and she fell to the sword. In Rome all seemed lost as Caesar had given in to defeat.
Her captains refused to give up and even called in reinforcements from every corner of the world. And they came, but was it too late already? Caesar lay shattered and near death. Could Rome survive as she bleed?
As Caesar lay bloodied and she believed herself beaten. She proclaimed defeat and claimed Rome was lost. But her captains never lost the faith. Sure the battle was now in Rome’s very streets but the battle was not lost. We her captains could see this was true.
As the days progressed Caesar won the battle for her life. She did not die of mortal wound. Some miracle held her here even as death beckoned she fought for her life. Possibly unaware she was winning this battle. Rome’s walls stand!
Her life not threatened Caesar must now fight for her mind. The center of the city where order is maintained must be saved. I’ll tell you it was hand to hand combat for a while there but her captains stood fast.
The battle for the heart of the city was fierce and perhaps the most important. Caesar fought willingly or unwillingly she fought. Perhaps it was the years of war that prepared her to fight. Caesar now fought on an instinct driven from some carnal place deep within her. More emotion than thought drove Caesar forward. But Caesar fought and her captains stood fast.
Slowly this battle turned and Caesar stood upon the steps in the heart of the city. A second victory and Caesar still proclaims defeat.
It’s true the city still burned and battles were raging within the walls. The tides were turning and the captains faith in Caesar never wavered. Now hardened and encouraged by recent hard won victories they turned their eyes to God asking for a sign any sign to restore Caesars faith.
It came! Boy did it ever come. And in it Caesar grew stronger and stronger as her faith returned. Yet she still doesn’t see the string of victories.
The fires are now contained and the city is all but ours. Sure some pockets of resistance remain but in the end of everyday we gain more of the beloved city. House by house and street by street the city is being liberated.
Caesar can’t see the victories yet as her city is not secure. She still believes she was beaten but her captains know better….
A new chapter opens before us. Her captains see it but Caesar yet bloodied and reeling from her near defeat does not. The blood in her eyes, and sweat on her face still to fresh. They blind my Caesar to the fact that Rome is all but won.
She has yet to see Caesar is back. She won every battle to retake the city. She also can’t see the peace time fast approaching. This war is on an inevitable course to a final end and Caesars greatest triumph.
My questions for the future are. Will Caesar hardened by battle be able to make the transition from wartime general to peace time governor of Rome? That will be her greatest battle, putting down the sword and living in peace.
How long before the peace comes and even Caesar sees she has won? Will she be able to tackle her hardest challenge? Her captains stand fast, ready and longing for the day we can put aside our weapons and let the sunshine upon Rome. I long for the peace I see coming and the time before Caesar was forced to defend her Rome.
I spoke in riddles because Michelle often does. She has likened her darkness and her battles to Rome and herself as Caesar. When she wrote Caesar yet stands she was sure she was near the end. She couldn’t foresee the great struggle that was to come.
When I speak of her fight for her life and her mortal wounds. I am speaking of her suicide attempt. I almost lost her that day. As I waited helpless in the waiting room I too questioned if this was the end. I cried, I begged God to spare her life. We all know He did.
After she was healthy enough they moved her from ICU to the special care unit and then to the Psych Ward. She has remained there engaged in her next battle.
When I speak of the fight for her mind. I am of course referring to her deep depression and what she calls her darkness. It’s been a long process. But she’s winning and I see my old Michelle coming back.
Her faith is returning, her mind is on the mend and her body is fully healed. Caesar is back and her city (her world) is all but restored. It’s taken miracles, God and prayer but she has come out of this one victorious.
The future is coming and there are surprises in the works she is yet known to her. The future looks bright and I can’t wait to help her leave the perpetual war and transition to a peace time governor. To live without the darkness of depression hanging over us constantly. What a dream I see on the horizon.
What a victorious, glorious Rome with Caesar presiding over a peace that out lasts the ages. A dream for now but I see it, I believe it.