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Face to face and eye to eye inside my own mind.

Inside we all have giants and lately I’ve stared mine in the face. It’s an intimidating conversation to have with a giant. Along my walk I’ve learned we all face them at some point. How we face them is entirely up to us.

While walking the path to being a whole person I’ve had many conversations with my giant. Face to face and eye to eye, as scary as it seems is the only way to face your giants.

In most cases they seem our protectors. In reality they are our own bullies. My giants are Pride, Self-doubt, and anger. I’m learning until I confront and evict these giants, I’ll continue to make the same mistakes.

PRIDE

Pride has convinced me I am capable of handling my past and my future. But if the truth was known I’m not. I like many like to think I can handle anything life throws at me. But alas I am human and I am weak. Sometimes what life deals us is a stacked deck. One which no matter how smart, how cunning you are there is no way you are capable.

Pride has was perhaps my first giant. I just knew even as bad as it got that I was capable. I rejected help because of pride. I retreated inside myself because of pride. I thought I was enough because of pride.

I am smart, I am cunning like the wolf. I am capable of more than you will ever know. But I am not capable because I am alone. I am capable because of all the tools given to me by my heavenly father. My brains, and cunning are very small tools compared to the gifts of people.

My father blessed me with many people who bring strength to aid me. They are shelter from life’s storms. They are the blessings pride hide from me. Yes pride is my largest giant. It has become large because I allowed it to eat.

Pride made me feel invincible, indestructible. But in the end all it made me was weaker. I’m not sure how or why I allowed it to grow but I did. No one else is to blame. I believed I needed it, I allowed it power, food and control.

Pride blinded me with his size, power and false promise of independence and security. At some point there was a transition of power and pride gobbled it up. All the while feeling I had control and pride held blinders to reality.

I believe I’ve pushed this giant from me. I’ve certainly with the help of doctors, family and god starved it to a fraction of its size. I must however be mindful because this giant will try and sneak back in. So I pray nightly now that I am given the strength to resist pride and the blindness he brings to my eyes and my future.

SELF-DOUBT

Self-doubt is my second giant. Perhaps not greater than anger but certainly worth mention. When I doubted myself I clung to pride more. I growing up had a strong father and mother, proud and strong family. They all seemed to have it all together. They could handle anything.

I saw how strong they were. I missed how much they relied on others and god for that strength. Witness to the strength they possessed I began to doubt my own strength. Because I began to doubt that anyone understood me.

What I’ve learned while talking to this giant is this. When I doubt myself I should reach out for the support I need. That is the greatest exercise in self-control I can use. It demonstrates not my lack of strength but my inner strength to know I am not enough but together we are enough.

We being god, family, friends, doctors and all the blessings I’ve been given. Together we are unbeatable. Will there be set backs? Sure! Why do they happen? Because they do. Sometimes things happen and those things challenge who I am, my strength, my network of strength. The key to surviving these setbacks? Faith.

Faith that my network of strength is unbeatable. We got pushed back but the line was never broken. I’m struggling with self-doubt now. There is much I need help with and I have to remind myself of my unbreakable team.

I have learned a few things wrestling with this giant.

First of all he is powerful. The more you doubt your team and yourself, the stronger he becomes.

Second is that true faith is the belief that even though things today make no sense. Tomorrow or tomorrows’ tomorrow it will become clear.

Lastly I’ve learned even when you appear to be beaten, and your team pushed scattered. With god at the helm your line will never be broken. Believe that with everything and the waves that crash upon you with the might of hell itself will not break you because you have a team and at the helm is the only one who is truly invincible, infallible and unmovable. He won’t let you fall even when you stumble.

Even the day I slammed to earth it was his creation that held the line. He steered me safe and true and I may have landed on the ground but I did not fall.

ANGER

Anger is the giant I’ve had the most wrestling with. For a time I thought it helped me. Today I know it doesn’t. It distracts me from the whole me I desire to be. So bent in anger I couldn’t see straight enough to see my answers are right there.

Part of those answers involved getting past anger, letting it go and setting him free. He’s the hardest for me. I know why he’s the hardest. Because he was the first. Physically smaller he calls the shots that helped build the other giants.

This giant will be the hardest of all to beat and I don’t claim to even have control of myself enough to have any conversations with him yet. He is the giant who causes me the most uneasy feelings.

Anger has not made me strong. He’s made me weak, scared and alone. This fight is going to be the worst. For now I’m focused on my own doubts and becoming triumphant in conquering this giant will make we ready to conquer anger.

I’m going to need god in the lead here the most. This giant scares me the most. It isolates me and I’m not sure what tools I’ll need to let him go. I know forgiveness is a part of those tools but one baby step at a time. Self-doubt is in the cross hairs now and Pride is on the run.

What are your giants and how do you plan to shrink them down to size?

I know mine are large and I’m sure yours are too. Remember god is at the helm and I’m a part of you unbreakable line as you are part of mine.

Wielding my axe, my giants all must die.

Michelle Styles