Inside I wage war,
Silently within my war rages. None see it and few are shown it. Few understand and fewer still relate. Mercy is a term foreign to me. I’ve fought so long and so hard, I’ve forgotten where peace lives.
Within none see but me. Only pain awaits. They want in but can they handle it? Of this I’ve to many doubts. I am pain, we are what we know. I know pain, I am pain. And still they want to enter. One can not blame the foolish as they tread where angels fear to go.
I think any who want this are just that, fools or stupid. Angel flee this darkness and abandon me to it. Yet mortal man wishes to view it. It’s freedom lies in one place, my inevitable end. None understand this fact. My final rest is the only address peace can be found in the world within.
In the hours before waking, it comes.
It washes me in pitch and darkness.
Within it hunts and I flee.
Forever the cat and mouse.
In the hours spent dreaming, it comes.
It starts within seeking escape,
I stand, I fight and I run.
Within my mind, within my house.
In the hours of rest, it comes.
It seeks redemption in my destruction.
No quarter given, no mercy.
Within I stand and quiver.
In the hours behind my eyes, it comes.
In daylight and night alike.
In moments I am weak.
It seeks my head, delivered.
In the hours I wait, it comes.
My end, it’s goal, my release.
When I flee it follows.
Ever at my heel.
In the hours spent within, it comes.
While I am alone with myself.
That is when it shows itself.
That is when I feel.
I’m asked do you love me.
How can I love when I know nothing of love within. Is one broken so capable of love at all. That is my greatest fear. In the blackness and pain where love has been stilled can it rise again. I have my doubts. Doubts enough to set those free how need such an answer. If they need this and I am not capable then logic dictates I set them free of me.
I do not love any right now. Not myself, not those who profess love to me and not those who desire such of me. I am not able to feel such a thing where darkness and pain reign. If my love is what you seek or need then I advise you seek it elsewhere.
I’m asked do you trust me.
I trust as much as I am capable while burdened with memories and darkness. Can I truly trust in another. I have troubles trusting men. I have troubles trusting those who might trust in men. Even now my trust is Sarah, my father and all in my life wanes. I’ve no idea how to recapture it.
I’m asked do you believe you can be healed.
I know my death will set me free. In death I will know peace and perhaps find love, joy and happiness. I welcome the day and it can’t hasten fast enough to arrive. Until it arrives I will stand by the signal fire upon the shores and await its arrival. Soon I know it comes soon.
I’m asked why won’t you share with me.
You are a fool or stupid if you want this. It can’t get simpler than that. Only pain and darkness await any who want inside. Only death awaits me and that is all you’d see. Pain, darkness and eventually death. There is no reason to curse another with this. These memories, these darkened times, and the pain within.
They can not be killed. They can not be stopped. They will take my life one day. My days are marked, numbered and my end is written.
I’m asked to trust these doctors.
I’ve been there and done that. It won’t help. It never helps. My question then is why bother? They can’t help. They don’t know how. Only death has the answer to my freedom, my peace.
My dreams are consumed by my final peace. My wish is to know that peace now. Yet people want me here for their own selfish reason. I will not miss this place. I will not miss life.
For now deaths touch remains denied. One day soon I know it comes for me. Until then I have my dreams of eternal peace delivered.