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Update 8/5/2014

(1) New places

My father has rented a furnished apartment for me and Josef.

It looks like Michelle will be here in Hawaii for sometime. They have decided once this treatment moves to the next phase a continuation of treatment with the same team is imparative. There is no current time table but everything is moving in the direction previously discussed. She is breaking down and as the walls come down she’s forced to deal with issues long since burried.

This isn’t pretty, it hurts, it sucks and it has to happen. They are tearing down the house before they can rebuild it. The foundation needs to be rock solid and they will build a new house on top of the stronger foundation. It makes sense on paper anyway.

We drew up a guide as to what to expect. She has at times been wildly outside the expectations but overall she is right on track. As we dig through the years of muck and bandaids she’s been appearing to fall appart. Also as we expected and discussed. Except it’s harder to watch than I thought.

(2) Old wounds

Michelle and her place in the plan is the controled decent.

She is decending from her protected perch. The bandaids one by one are being stripped and the wound still bleeds. Once she is exposed the wound can be properly attended. It will require the entire team to treat this old wound. Looking on this seems anything but controlled.

The crash that’s coming will be horrifing and glorious. I see the phoenix crashing dead and from the flames of it’s destruction new life is born. A new begining for Michelle. It’s of course dangerous and that’s why she remains in the hospital. That’s why this team has elected to keep her here.

Once they begin rebuilding her and giving her the real tools she needs to survive this and live, truly live. She has existed for so long but her joy is always fleeting and always stained with memories. They hope to build her up and give her the tools to temper these dark memories and to live with hope and remember joy without the baggage of her past.

She’s violent right now. Screaming, cursing at people. Pushing away even those who love her. But it’s normal because her OCD is breaking down and she is strugling to control her environment. As she loses the struggle she will at some point reach for help. That’s when the safety net springs and those she pushed away will show her just how close we remained. Close enough to catch her before the crash.

She just has to reach out. it has to be her choice to drop the control and ask for help. Only then will she accept the help without conditions.

(3) I load sixteen tons and only get a day older

My job back home let me go.

I guess even as per diem I have to show up once in a while. I have however gotten a job here as an ER nurse. It’s part time and per diem as well. It’s not truama and not everything I want. But it will do just fine. It will probably only be 15-20 hours per week. But it will help get my mind off things.

A welcome distraction in the whole mix. My first day was yesterday Aug. 4th. Pretty uneventful really and Hawaii doesn’t seem to have many real emergencies.

So I lose one job and get a new one. Not bad for a days work eh?

Michelles job.

They have placed her on disability leave indeffinately. I guess she may not have a job either now. She will have 60% of her income when she gets out. The house is paid off so she should have most of that sitting and waiting. I know her bosses love her so maybe they will hire her back. If not it sounds like a perfect time to work for my dad and return to college.

(4) Money talks

My dad of course is still helping me. Sometimes I feel like a mooch. He tells me if money is a way he can show his love then I can have it all. I know he has enough and this isn’t hurting him financially. Maybe it’s just a pride thing. It feels wrong taking his money but without it I couldn’t stay here with Michelle.

(5) Friends and family

Josef

Josef has transfered to high school here in Hawaii. He already made a few friends and will adjust fine. The school will be flexable with his time so he can maximize his time with his mother and still complete his core subjects. His work load will be remarkably light this year even though all his classes are college prep and advanced placement studies.

Despite the turmoil here Josef scored a 2010 on the SATs. Color me impressed!

Daddy Styles

Daddy Styles is hurt right now because his daughter is in so much pain. She won’t let him hug her or comfort her. she yelled at him that she hated him for ever having her. She is torn at this time weather this is the right course. I think his own pain isn’t letting him see just how this will help.

He is a great father and she doesn’t mean it but he isn’t hearing it right now. probably because when your child tells you they hate you, punches and kicks at you and screams until you leave. Yeah that has to be hard. All he wanted to do was give her a hug and tell her he loves her.

I know him and he’d rip his own heart from his chest to make her better.

My dad

My dad has been so fantastic through this whole thing. So has my mom. They have both told Michelle and I how much they love us. How much they want to help and how much they wish they could make it all better. My dad especially had been very good and encouraging. It seems like they only recently accepted Michelle and I and here they are right in her corner. He has been here for Josef and this has brought us closer together.

I see his love now in his hugs. I know he’s given me so many recently and each is warm and loving.

(6) Moving toward enevitable end

We’re preparing for a year here. Perhaps more. It’s going to be a long haul but in the end I can see the pay off. I can see my Michelle with the twinkle in her smile and the brightness returned to her eyes.

It’s hard sometimes but I have to believe this is working toward the well being of the woman I love with all my heart. I will write more in the coming days about Michelle and this whole plan for her. They have abandoned any time line for now but i can see the plan as plain as the nose on my face. I see it working and unfolding.

Sarah