Always she completes me. I need her near me.

Always she completes me. I need her near me.

Michelle said “They need to know god and his children hurt because they hurt. The sin against them affects the entire body which they are a piece of.”

I am his child. I’ve hurt seeing her pain. I can’t even begin to do it justice. It seems when we get to the bottom we discover a trap door to more, greater pain. She’s become violent in the past day, she’s push me and Josef away, and when I look in her eyes all I can see is pain. A vast and endless onslaught of pain.

She has given up and sees no way out. I’m lost here. I trust in God but I can’t do this. I can’t continue to look into that pain. It’s just to much. When I left today after being pushed away, she wouldn’t let me hold her. I screamed and cried and I cried and screamed and when that was done I did it some more.

Everyone says God will deliver her. All I see is more pain. I can’t see her like this any more. I’m going to break myself. You have no clue and I mean no damn idea what it is to see the one you’d die for, the one you’d kill anyone for; just give up. Her eyes are empty of the life I knew.

It doesn’t help to walk it just reminds me I am five thousand miles from home, alone in what is supposed to be paradise. Everywhere couples laughing, holding hands, kissing. Everywhere happiness except for me. My life is on permanent hold, my love is not returned. I want to just fall apart and sleep until this is over.

I want the magic pill that makes it all better. I can’t escape it ever. Everyone always asking how is she. Josef needs me, doctors need me, family needs me, and I’m pulled in so many directions. I can’t keep going in there smiling and reaching and leaning into her pain. I don’t know how she ever did it.

Her words recently have been haunting and dark. She speaks often of the release of death. I can’t pretend I don’t hurt and everything is going to be fine. I’m not so sure everything will be fine. Yet I’m the one who has to keep the level head. I have Martin who wants to kill the men who did this, Josef who is so lost and confused, a wife who wants to die, family all looking to me to be so stable and calm.

I even yelled at my dad today. Know what he did? He grabbed me and hugged me and said just cry. He didn’t say a word to me he just hugged me. I guess that felt pretty good.

Dad said Jesus will give me the strength. I trust that but where is he? She’s supposed to hit bottom but instead I’m the one who is there. Too much pain. I can’t bear it. Right now the doctors are playing things quiet and tight. I’m getting very little helpful information.

Hell I wasn’t even told she got violent until I saw it today. Too much pain for me to take. I can’t touch her, she won’t let me. I can’t look in her eyes because they are lifeless. I can’t listen because her words are so dark. it’s like God doesn’t even want me there because she sure doesn’t.

Her smile could always brighten my darkest day.

Her smile could always brighten my darkest day.

There are no words to describe where she is at mentally. No one knows what it’s like to see so much pain behind her blue eyes. They normally dance with the sun and stars. Her eyes are lost to me now and only pain remains.

The eyes I've loved. Lost in darkness now.

The eyes I’ve loved. Lost in darkness now.

I’m lost, she tried to kill herself and I’m the one who’s lost. I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough to lean into this pain. I’m not a miracle worker. I’m not magical. I’m just a girl, a wife, a mother and I’m doing the best I can. But I can’t see her like this. I’m not strong enough.

Not anymore. She’s the one who tried to die and I’m the one feeling like I died. I’m the one left behind because she has no hope, no life and no dream in her eyes anymore.

I can’t describe the empty feeling in my heart when I don’t see her love reflected in her eyes. I can’t describe the pain of seeing her given up. I can’t begin to describe how I feel. All I know is I can’t do this. I can’t o back and see her like that. I’m not strong enough for that.

I would do anything for her love, but I won’t do that.

Sarah