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The doctors gave me this today. They advised me that this was the primary reason they felt Michelle was still a danger to herself. This was before they admitted her. At the moment they aren’t sharing much of what she wrote. She’s still writing daily even if only in crayon.

I cried when I read it. She really was feeling alone. she really wanted to die and leave me. I always knew she was in terrible pain inside but today I see just how deep. I hope they break through because I can’t stand seeing her hurt like this.

At this point she needs this. I also know why the doctors said we’re going to be here a while. I also know when she “gets out” it will really be just a transfer. This is going to be a while. Below are Michelle’s words. She’s lost track of days I guess. I guess the only good news is this was weeks ago and maybe she feels different now. I hope.

I hope to have them share some of her more present thoughts so I can get a better understanding of her current place in all this. This place was dark still and very sad to me.

Sarah

Inward

Starring inward, canvas is bare.
Black, foreboding, no whim or care.
Without color, a pallet, a dare,
Inward, looking, inward I stare.

Answers are sought, inside of there.
Answers unending, inward nightmare.
Black, nothing, in moment so rare.
Inward, looking, inward i stare.

Choking, seizing, gasping for air.
Blackness and I, my only pair.
Splitting, darkness does pare.
Inward, looking, inward I stare.

Bizarre, circus, inside my faire.
Entertaining, in all my flair.
Waiting, waiting, for me to share.
Inward, looking, inward I stare.

Outside looking, for heavens flare.
Trapped, alone, in prisons snare.
God doesn’t listen, God doesn’t care.
Inward, looking, inward I stare.

Escape, redemption, but from where.
Defending, protecting, my only lair.
Masks to hide me, Shown as I wear.
Inward, looking, inward I stare.

Pieces, parts, is all I share.
Sirens, warnings, inside do blare.
Comfort sought, from nightmare.
Inward, looking, inward I stare.

Answer, answer, do answer my prayer.
Inside, Outside, my canvas does tear.
Watching, waiting, I sit in my chair.
Inward, looking, inward I stare.

Face of black, My mask I wear.
Protecting, defending, my heir.
Justice, Freedom, life isn’t fair.
Inward, looking, inward I stare.

Heaven, hell, just over there.
Free me from prison, I do not care.
It comes at night, beware, beware.
Inward, looking, inward I stare.

Answers, answer! Life’s own despair.
Pain inside, my companion a dare.
Life and mercy, can not compare.
Inward, looking, inward I stare.

Heaven, a touch, a breath I declare.
Recalled to earth, caught unaware.
Seen it, touched it, just over there.
Inward, looking, inward I stare.

Denied me my rest, fully unfair.
Unanswered my call, my morning prayer.
Linger here longer, I’ll win I swear.
Inward, looking, inward I stare.

God? What god! He doesn’t care.
What weight we suffer, he’s over there.
Waiting, dying, from this my chair.
Inward, looking, inward I stare.

June I don’t know the date 2014.
~Michelle Styles