Update on Michelle

They are admitted Michelle to the Psychiatric ward. I’m disappointed because this means it’s far more serious than I had dreamed.

The psychiatrist thinks she is still a danger to herself. A serious danger as she’s come so far physically but it seems this psychiatrist and her team feel she has slipped very far mentally. They described it as nothing shy of amazing she has remained in control as long as she did. Especially off the meds.

I also have a better understanding of what I’m looking for next time. The quick cycling is an immediate trigger to get her help on or off the medication. Her father put in paperwork to make me her guardian in medical decisions where I believe she can’t see the danger. I’ll be able to get her help weather she wants it or not.

This is also important to treating the OCD as it takes one more thing off her plate that she “needs to control”. It pulls some level of control from her. I’ll go into the OCD much deeper in a moment.

This psychiatrist said (about Michelle) her team has determined

“The patient had a serious psychotic break in the recent past that was in some way misdiagnosed or mishandled. Many reasons can exist for mishandling including the patients extreme intelligence level.

The patient demonstrates an intelligence far in excess of average. This intelligence could help her mask even serious mental break downs which might lead to faster than expected release time following an identified break.

The patient may have had her recent break undetected or un-diagnosed due to this same intellectual capacity. Due to her intellectual ability an IQ test was administered and our findings support this assertion.

The patient demonstrated an intelligence in the top half percent of the world. She did so while not taking our testing with all the seriousness desired. During our testing the patient was combative and uncooperative and potentially lowered her score.

It is this teams recommendation she be admitted as soon as she is healthy enough to the psychiatric ward for further psychiatric services. This team further recommends she not be released until such time as her psychotic break has been properly dealt with.”

That was the notice she gave me the day before they were to admit Michelle. I went from over joyed at leaving the hospital with her and returning home to Florida with my wife to feeling like I was the one stabbed in the stomach.

We had plans to be in Maine the remainder of the summer after our very short trip home to Florida.

As of right now during the writing of this letter I am unsure when we are leaving Hawaii. The doctors treating her breakdown seem to think it will be an extended time. They have many issues to deal with and the first among those is OCD.

The doctors think on the day of Michelles rape she was feeling so out of control that she grabbed onto every opportunity to control every aspect of herself and her life. She developed an OCD from these events. Such a severe lack of control lead to an over compensation which developed into a habit followed by an anxiety neurosis,

They believe the anxiety lead to the OCD which is a neurosis not a psychosis. The difference being she never lost track of reality but built walls to protect herself from it. We need to tackle her need to control every environment and every situation. Control in the form of OCD is over the top.

She has to learn she can’t be in control of every situation. You can prepare for them but control of things outside our circle of influence isn’t possible. At the moment she is firmly in reality and desperately trying to control it.

Once we break through the control factors and her OCD they can begin treating her for her depression, anxiety, and distress disorder. The distress disorder has probably been what’s kept her from fully processing the events of that day and compartmentalizing it to a safe place. It lead to the depression and OCD which lead to severe social anxiety known as arachnophobia.

The doctors need to unravel the years of layers inside her mind. They need to take them apart one by one and deal with the issue. The process is going to be time consuming and Michelles cooperation is vital. At the moment she remains defiant and combative as she struggles for control still.

Thank God for our parents because now the hospital recognize me and Michelle as “married”. I am allowed to see her as is our son even in the psychiatric ward. My time will be much more limited as visiting hours are strict. I hope we won’t be here TOO long.

That said I think that regression therapy did far more damage than was first thought. This doctor says Michelles extreme IQ allowed her to mask the break she had. She may have even controlled it for a while but in the end this was inevitable. She can’t cure herself of this so she was a ticking time bomb.

The team believes her break was serious and handled improperly because they failed to see the fact that Michelle could mask the effects. The doctors during the break failed to see the severity in part because Michelle didn’t let them. Though it should have been obvious at the time she was using her brain to demonstrate what she knew they wanted to see.

This team seems real good and her current Psychiatrist is not only a lady but a survivor of abuse as a child. Hers was more physical, mental and verbal and not sexual but she understands what happens to a child who suffered severe trauma.

She understands how intelligence can be used to mask a severe disorder and even fool a trained eye to some extent. She’s no slouch and that’s good. She I think is on track to really help Michelle. Between several one on one therapy sessions a day, a strictly controlled environment (one Michelle doesn’t and can’t control) which must be adapted to. Team therapy, group therapy, group activity, she has her hands full and her days as well.

This is how they intend to break through the OCD. By taking away some measures of control. When you eat, what you eat, when you can see guests, what you are allowed to do when. Combine that with rewards for good behavior and you have the makings of breaking down Michelles OCD.

Good behavior? Yes if she is good
1) Attends all meetings per day,
2) Participates in events single and group
3) Does as she needs to to get better
Things like these give her points. So many points she will get some rewards. From (limited) computer time to TV privileges. The only tech they haven’t taken from her are her external batteries for her implants. And that was the doctor told Michelle we are allowing you to keep those as an exception but that’s my choice not yours. They’ve made it clear over and over Michelle is not in control of this.

That’s all new to Michelle.

She’s opened up some to Michelle about her past and that has built some trust.

It’s my sincere and honest hope she will finally get the help she needs to put this into a box and seal it up forever. Or at least come to a place that when she sees it; she doesn’t melt away. When she wakes from nightmares it’s terrifying even from someone looking on. I hope and pray she can finally sleep free of this curse.

I hope in the end Michelle can see herself for the beautiful and caring person she is and not as a monster she sees in the mirror.

They initially said. “She will be there at least seven to ten days.” This doctor says in her opinion she may be here much longer. As it turns out we believe it will be longer.

She explained it to me like this. They (the doctors) can’t just feel she is ok because she seems ok. She has had so much practice hiding it and suppressing it that she knows how to fool doctors. They are worried she will succeed the next time and ethically knowing what they know they are obligated to treat her until they believe she isn’t a treat to herself and she’s not just putting on her mask again.

The medicine was working some. It wasn’t controlling the nightmares but it was stabilizing her mood and she was able to deal with it better. But it also let her feel more in control which probably heightened her OCD and in the end her social phobia as well.

In a way I agree even as my heart is breaking. I can’t stand seeing her like this. But I know she needs the help. At the same time I want her in my arms and out of there. I want to know she’s ok and this has passed. I guess I have to accept and trust this is the plan God has designed.

Maybe she tried it here because this is her break through moment. God I pray that’s true.

My father is paying for the hotel as long as I need it so I can stay with her. He also paid off our tiny mortgage so there is no chance of losing our house because we are here and dealing with this shit. If I know Michelle she will insist on paying him back anyway. My dad also opened a bank account locally here and added my name and will wire money so Joey and I can still try and enjoy our time here.

My parents went home Saturday and her father did as well. Her mother is staying another week and Josef is staying until we all go home or God forbid school starts.

I got her short term disability going and they are saving the rest of her vacation time. So I guess things are pretty well in hand. I was approved for the family medical leave I applied for though that’s unpaid. Thank God for daddies.

Michelle has been struggling still to control her environment and is losing that battle. She is learning even slowly that she has no control here. She has to let go of the control to learn to unravel her mind. Because ultimately the OCD is driving the social phobia and that is driving the anxiety and depression. When we can break the OCD we can tackle the other issues one by one.

Just think she is this smart while fighting herself. Just wait till she can use her whole brain and not have half of it tied up controlling her OCD, depression and anxiety. Now this I can’t wait to see!

There is your update.


When we are finally heading out of here Michelle and I will be discussing my fathers generous offer. He has asked us to come work weekends for him and in exchange he will pay our schooling with scholarship’s and pay us enough to cover our bills without concerns. I love nursing but this maybe a way to finish my degree faster and fulltime. It was going to take me nearly three years part time to complete it. This way I’d be a resident doctor in 18 months.

I’ll need to continue the doctors work and stay on my toes with her OCD and not allow her to slp back on it. She will also have a lot of work to do to stop herself as well. It’s going to be a road, a long road but one I’ll gladly travel for Michelle.

So much will change and in the end I will have my Michelle whole and complete. That is worth any price in my book. Including this momentary heart break. It may even give Hawaii a place as our favorite again.