What’s TJ got that I ain’t got?
Well let’s think…. For starters ME! Nuff said.
What’s the one thing you would change about yourself?
My fears. I would change my fears. I don’t know how but I would. Since my rape I fear strange men and in many ways still fear men in general. I fear crowds and I like being alone. I feel safe when no one is near me. I can’t sleep in bed with a man even the one I love. I end up sneaking out of bed and he wakes alone. It’s the only way I can actually sleep.
What’s your biggest regret in life?
In the years following my rape I sought revenge. At eighteen I began stripping and I took pleasure ruining mens lives. I broke up a few marriages that seemed otherwise good just because I could. My hatred ran so deep I toyed with men and broke some hearts too. I regret harming other humans just because they were men and I was mad.
If I could take one thing and change it from my past it would be that. I would change my anger and hatred and not destroy lives of innocent people. Ending a marriage in divorce which I know for a fact number at least three is a horrible crime. I will surely answer for this with my God when he judges my life and my worth.
I am thankful I’ve moved past that level of hatred. I still distrust and fear but I no longer hate.
What era would you visit if time machines existed?
You can probably tell by my writing I am a fan of the ancient world. I would visit ancient Rome and not to change it but to behold the marvel it must have been.
How do you define yourself?
I guess I’d say of myself I am nothing special. Average looks (at least that is how I see them and yes I know as a stripper at “Thee Dollhouse” I am not ugly or couldn’t be and be a stripper) but I consider my looks average not special. I am smart yeah I know I am smart but not a genius. Not like my TJ he is a genius. I am a decent person and I care for people. I am a warrior, a survivor. I am spiritual and over all I have a good heart.
There how do you my dear reader define yourself?
What would you do if you were told you only had 1 month to live?
Write a book. The book of my life.
What is the worst dream you’ve ever had?
The worst dream is the nightmare that was my rape. It haunts me even today and I still wake many nights from the dream. I wake screaming, in pain, terrified, and confused. I wake believing it just happened, right now. It is the worst dream and the worst moment of my life. A moment in time I am forced to endure whenever I close my eyes and rest.
For most dreams are an escape and people look forward and even try to remember their dreams. I wish I could forget mine.
What defines beauty?
The heart. Beauty is found in the heart.
What is something you are deeply offended by?
I am not easy to offend but the word Redskin was used in the same manner as the word Nigger. Yes both words are equally offensive. Neither have a place in everyday language because both are racist. Both are meant to dehumanize and degrade another based on skin color.
I use the word and not just say “The N word” because to say Redskin is as bad as the N word is hypocritical. If you are going to say one word is as bad as another you must use them both. Otherwise one is so bad you can’t say it but the other yeah just come out with it. They called my people Redskin or “red nigger” to degrade us and make us less than human to justify genocide. The same as they used Nigger to degrade proud black people and justify slavery.
What part about the future scares you?
Will I ever be free of these nightmares. That question scares me because I fear the answer is probably no.
I fear the day these men are released especially te monster who stole my face.
~Michelle Styles – June 11, 2014