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To send or not to send. A new letter written to the second of the men behind bars. He has asked for my mercy and forgiveness.

Dear ()

I know you have asked for my “mercy” and forgiveness. Let’s look at this carefully. What are you really asking me for? What does my forgiveness mean to you with God, with the law, or with me.

My forgiveness doesn’t mean I will speak on your behalf to see you freed from prison. Man’s law sentenced you to 25 years and I will see that done. You deserve this because of what you’ve done to me. My forgiveness does not mean you’re free of all wrong in the eyes of man, God or me. Nor does it mean I will forget.

Know this; I still see your face in my nightmares, they still wake me from sleep. You should know I suffer today because of you. Were it in my power to seize memory and force it upon you as you forced it upon me I would. If your life were mine to take you’d die a slow and horrible death.

My life was forever altered because of you. My night mares are real and your evil haunts me to this day. You ask my forgiveness but I have seen no honesty in the request. I see nothing in you that suggests you are truly sorry nor worthy of my forgiveness.

It is lucky for you I am a bigger person than that. My father in heaven will still judge you even with my forgiveness. Man still holds you accountable for your sins as well and even if I must speak from beyond the grave I shall see you remain so accountable. However I must move forward with my life. Forgiving you is about all I can do to try and close a chapter on my life and perhaps be free of you; and these nightmares forever.

You are not worthy of it but I forgive you. You have not demonstrated your sincere desire for true forgiveness but I grant you such. You will still answer to God and man and I shall continue to seek any sign even a small one that you truly wish forgiveness.

I forgive you but this does not in any way set you free of your obligation to spend 25 years behind bars. I forgive you in the eyes of my heavenly father but only as far as that. He will still be your judge but with my forgiveness I will not be called to tell of your evil. His eyes shall judge your truthful heart or it’s deceptiveness. Perhaps you will find peace with God and in such may yet stand a chance upon the day of judgment.

My forgiveness is for MY healing and not yours. It is so I can close this chapter on you. I will never forget but I do forgive you. You ask my forgiveness and from the prison you enslaved me in I grant it.

You ask for my mercy as well. Then show me mercy and remain behind bars until your 25th year has passed. Seek not parole until then. You mercy in not making me relive all you did to me will show me if your desire for mercy and forgiveness are real. I have granted you forgiveness but if you want my mercy then you know how it will be earned.

Ask no more for freedom until your 25th year when you breath the air a free man know you will also have my mercy and have proven you deserve forgiveness by your action to fulfill this request.

What have you done with your life since that day? Has it changed you for the better? How? All I see is the same man of that day, older but still the same. How are you making amends with you maker? With mankind? What are you doing to better this world? I really would like to know.

I will see soon enough if your request is one based in a sincere desire or if it is only a tool to seek your freedom. Prison is hell that much is true but the prison you locked me within is by far worse than the one you suffer. My prison is one of endless pain, sleepless nights, and broken body. Where is my parole? Where is my freedom? I will be granted neither.

From your prison I do not trust men. I flinch even from my fathers touch a man who has not wronged me in any way. I run from that which most would embrace. You prison you locked me within has caused great harm to more than myself. There is no freedom from it.

My prison is constant reminder of that day. It’s reliving that day in graphic detail every time you seek freedom. All the while I remain in the prison you built. You get three meals a day, safety to sleep, and comforts of home with one exception. You can’t leave. My prison travels with me in my mind. Forever is my sentence and there is no safety to sleep, no comfort and never ending. I shall never be free.

Clemency for the innocent girl I was shall never come. You ensured that long ago. My sentence is life without parole and you threw away that key. Where is my mercy? Where is your mercy to me? Show me your mercy and perhaps mine can be born of simple gesture in kind. Show me your mercy and stop making me relive the nightmare that is my daily hell.

Perhaps you will care for another and see first hand what you have sown. It can’t be undone and that I live with. Can it be lightened by sharing the burden with one who inflicted it? I don’t know that answer. Death will be my peace and know I wish you’d killed me that day to save me the slavery to visions and haunting for dream. Yet I live despite your best efforts to see the contrary.

Death but mocks me and pain my companion until the time of eternal sleep. Your sentence is over in ten years and mine may follow me beyond even the grave. How is that fair and where is my mercy? I want to know how will you set me free from the prison you forced upon me?

Forgiveness is yours I hope you do with it something great,
Michelle