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Failure,

A wise man told me “failure is when you quit, then and only then do you truly fail.”
Yes those are pretty wise words. If that is failure then I want to fail at cutting the next time I find the urge. To never cut again because I failed in the attempt now that would be failure worth striving for.

I don’t know, sometimes I guess I don’t listen to people the way I should. Other times I hear the message loud and clear. Sometimes it’s just so hard hear when you’re inside your head all alone. The moment it comes back for you, the moment it draws you in.

Until the time it dawns and I can’t fight it anymore. The blackened spirit, dark, heavy and sapped of strength. When will power fades and the lies of addiction and it’s promise of release are all that is real.

It’s very hard to explain sometimes. People who haven’t fought an addiction like drugs, alcohol, cutting or whatever. Those people don’t know the darkness. To be in the darkness of night, the stillness of mind when it comes and reminds you. You need me!

You need me that’s the deceiver, that’s the great lie. But when your mind is weakened by struggle and you’re alone; that lie just seems so real, so tempting.

Lately I’ve been struggling just feel. I don’t know how to feel to be honest. I’ve been learning so many things, to many things and so much confusion and doubt. I don’t know for sure exactly where to go but I know in my effort to heal; to feel. I made a mistake and I trusted it.

The only real feelings I’ve known in the darkened corners of my mind. The places that I’ve lived for so long. The places I hide to survive inside. These recesses within darkened and alone have been my home and for so long the deceiver was the voice heard loudest.

For a long time pain was all I knew. Yet lately I’ve had so many mixed feelings. Just so many things I don’t know how to process. Since I don’t know how to feel; to really feel. I just don’t know where to go from here its been a long trip and I don’t even know how to express how I feel and it frustrates me.

I know in the past 12 months I’ve been through an awful lot.

I’m learning to forgive and that’s huge. It’s been tiring spiritually and mentally. But it needed doing.

I’m learning how to live which is bigger still. To live for me, for god and in a way I will find my path.

I’ve heard my sons voice for the first time in my life. Learned to play guitar and sing. Learned more than 600 new words and relearned many of the 900 I already knew. I sang in front of people a song I wrote myself.

I’m learning how to help others. I’m learning really how to help others in a way I never knew I could. I’ve learned to salvage their faith because I see that’s where I went astray. That moment I lost my faith is where my agony started.

I’ve lost my grandfather Mato. He was a big and important piece of my life. He was instrumental in my name. His guidance and patience have helped me back on my feet when the world knocked me down.

So much has happened so fast and yet I want more.

Things have happened so fast. I have withdrawn and some people call that selfish. Others say it’s exactly what I need right now.

I’m struggling to find who I am in this world. Something most people have done in their teenage years; year’s I barely remember to be honest. I struggle with what memories I have and try to make new ones. In the meantime I am struck by some realities. I know I’m the only thing that matters right now is me. Finding me.

Some people have a hard time understanding that. Some think it’s selfish to push the world aside while you find yourself, your place within it. Perhaps it is but it’s what I must do and I would rather be honest about that with those that matter. How can you love or appreciate things until you love and appreciate who you are and who you want to be?

I don’t know how else to explain it. How to tell those around me exactly what’s going on in my head? How much right now seems so unreal when only months have passed from when pain was all that was truly real. How to answer the questions what am I in your life when I can’t answer what am I.

As I try and withdraw to find these answers all I get are painful reminders of what others expect me to be and what others need from me. I can’t be hose things right now because I can’t be what I need from myself just yet.

It’s like a chess game in a way. It’s just huge free for all chess tournament in there right now. To determine who Michelle is. It’s like I’m trying to find where I fit and right now there doesn’t seem to be a particular place that I fit in. It’s like I’m lost within and yet I’m right here.

How am I to really know what I want right now? I really don’t know what I need. I just know its not what I am and I have to find the way to what I am before I can find the way to who I want to be. This was one of the last things grandfather Mato shared with me.

“Find ones path on this plane and we find what we’re really meant to be. The next step is accepting the path and accepting who and what we’re meant to be. Without ones path and sure footing we’re incomplete and we don’t know who we were really meant to be. ”

I struggle with this right now. Who am I? Where do I fit in this world? What do I really want?

When I know these things I will find my purpose and how do I fill that purpose.

I’m struggling on so many levels right now. So much darkness is lifted and yet my vision remains shrouded. I see and know I want to be on the path knowing this is who I am.

Instead what I see is a lost little girl. I see so many things, so many possibilities and so many paths. Yet I still don’t know who I am.

I’m sorry for what I need to do to find who I am meant to be. Call it selfish, call it what you will but until I am whole how can I know how you fit into me; into my life. How can I know feelings I don’t understand are real until I know what they mean.

I refuse to fail but I refuse to accept blindly what is so new to me. Those who can’t accept that aren’t seeing the larger picture. Short shortsightedness ends in failure and somethings are best prepared for and understood. Am I selfish? Perhaps or perhaps I’m wise to explore what I mean and where I fit in before putting the puzzle of myself together I’m looking for the picture on the box.

~Michelle Styles – May 28, 2014

Most people try hard all their lives to be different than everyone else and in so many things; in so many ways. I’m working toward being just like everyone else.