First I wanted to say thanks,
Thanks for your emails. I received more than eighty strong and encouraging emails. They all had a similar theme. Hang in there, don’t give up, this was a great achievement, we all stumble, I/we are proud of you.
Thanks for the comments on the blog from everyone who took the time to comment and encourage me there. All had similar theme to the emails. All were very upbeat and encouraging.
Thanks for the facebook inboxes and messages. It was real nice seeing those to. Once more all had similar themes to the emails and comments.
Thanks for all of you I must say it does help.
Now for your update.
I am feeling less darkened today. Still in ways I’m angry with myself but I know it’s done and I can’t change it. I’ve been looking for what I missed, why it hit me so hard and so fast. I have to wonder did I miss something? Some little telltale sign that should have given me pause while I was still in control.
Could I have stopped it if I saw the sign? Or was it going to be regardless?
But ultimately all I can do is get up, dust off and start over. I have done just that and I am already on day 2 of a new record for me. 194 plus 1 to go and every day from then on is but a new record. Two days and counting now free of new lessons upon my flesh.
It’s been a little brighter everyday especially waking up to emails, facebook messages, texts, and other messages; so that is good. It brightened the mornings for me, making me smile at all the support and that’s the gospel truth as my pastor friends would say about an absolute truth.
I’ve not answered my question am I enough but perhaps it’s one that never needs answering. We ask it of ourselves but does it require an answer? Perhaps not since no one without God is ever enough. We are incomplete, imperfect and incapable of being all he intends until such time as we leave this world and he makes us complete.
Until that day I can ask “Am I enough” but the answer will always be “No but you’re right where God wants you to be today”. I’m not enough but I’m perfectly where I am supposed to be and that; is enough. Sometimes enough is a matter of opinion with no answer needed.
My son Joey reminded me of that. In his words he’s glad I’m not perfect it would be too much to live up to. I guess I have to think when I am not enough that I am still loved imperfections and all. Sometimes that’s hard to see in the darkness of the mind. Form that darkness it’s sometimes hard to believe as well.
I can say despite being in paradise; I am going bat shit crazy out of my mind. I never knew sound for 28 years but for near two years I’ve known it and now nothing again. I was getting used to hearing things even when they made no distinct sound. Now once more my world is silent every minute of every day and not just when the implant batteries run down.
It seems like forever and I pray the effects are worth it.
Now onto a few questions. I was asked several about surfing. So I’ll start with some of those.
1) When did you start surfing?
Well I was only four when my dad first hoisted me onto his long board. I remember that day, the first day on a board and it was with my father. What better memory could a little girl have than time with her father? I could already swim and was pretty much a natural.
I loved the water from day one and now the rush of surfing and the loving hands of my father on my shoulder. The waves, the air, the freedom, and the beauty as we hurdled to shore. I remember every smell, every sight and my loving father teaching his daughter to surf.
I found God that day. I wondered even then at his mighty creation and the raw power and beauty of the ocean. I remember there was life in every direction and the vast ocean dwarfed only by the heavens themself. God truly created a master piece of vision, touch and smell.
It wasn’t until last year I learned it was a master piece of sound as well.
2) Where are the best waves?
Well that depends on defining what the best means. Three places stand out and for different reasons.
Hawaii has the most incredible and predictable waves I’ve ever ridden on. It has to be among the top places to surf in the world. The water is warm and inviting and nearly every day you can find a large number of waves to ride nearly all day and night. The waves are constant, every day and strong.
Morocco had some of the wildest waves. They cut left and right and you had to stay alert at all times. The waves aren’t as consistent or as large as Hawaii and there certainly isn’t a pipeline to ride but Morocco is a must for the surfing enthusiast. It’s sudden direction changes and strong waves make for a pretty great ride any day of the week.
South Africa was an incredible place though the water was colder. The waves are irregular at times and you have to jump on the good days to catch the best waves. The waves aren’t as unpredictable as Morocco and aren’t as large or frequent as Hawaii but that said they were still pretty top notch. Watch the winds they can be brutal there.
3) Is there anywhere in the world you still haven’t surfed but want to?
Wow umm yes many places.
I guess to name just one Australia would be on my bucket list. I will surf Australia before I leave this earth. Well I hope I will.
There are many places I’ve surfed and many more I’d like to surf on this the third rock from the sun. There is not the time to do it all. But you can bet I’ll have fun trying.
4) Is it different surfing and hearing?
Very much so yes. When I am without sound and surfing there are no distractions. It’s me, a board and the theater of God. When you add sound so many things make noises around you. I find myself looking to see what that new sound is.
It for me is an added distraction and pleasure. I’ve been without sound and have enjoyed my new ears as a gift from God. Recently when I got my water proof implants I was finally able to truly enjoy Gods theater as he created it. With all my senses immersed in the moment.
So I found it distracting and at the same time exhilarating.
There is your update for today and a few more questions answered. It’s time for a walk on the beach before lunch. Sarah’s hand needs holding I guess since she’s begging me to walk and hold it. To be honest I’m thinking about her beautiful smile and how much I want to kiss her. But I guess a hand to hold on to is a good second place.
Here’s to a brighter tomorrow….
~Michelle Styles – May 22, 2014