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Well am I enough?

A question I ask often. My interaction with others even those I love leave me wondering. Am I enough? Am I enough for my son? Am I enough for TJ? Am I enough for Sarah? Am I enough?

Am I enough to be a mother? How about a wife? Or even the daughter my fathers deserve? Am I the master piece my heavenly father intended? Am I a daughter my earthly father can be proud of?

Those questions and more beat me inside. Pummeled by the heavy winds and desires of darkened desire. The demons are lose this night and screaming within.

Perhaps these questions come from a place of brokenness. Perhaps because I can see the holes within my fabric. But It nags me none the less. Am I enough as I stand? I remain horribly broken in so many ways and my pas still haunts me.

Last night the questions were too much for me. As I sat alone struggling with the question I cried. While Sarah slept, I cried. I could feel it coming and my hands were shaking. Today I look in the mirror and ask myself “Am I enough for me?”. Why am I here and do I matter at all. Will my life be celebrated and meaningful?

Am I enough? How will I know if I am? It’s painfully obvious I am not enough for those who need me. So since I am not enough why do I yet linger in mortal coil and what meaning do I have?

I am his masterpiece and right where he wants me so why do I feel I am not enough? Upon bended knee I asked and you were silent. I must know why am I not enough?

A pain to familiar as I struggle and I know I am losing this fight. In the darkness it comes for me. It calls to me and my will grows weak. I feel so alone, trapped inside my head. There is just so much pressure to be this or that. Pressure to be a good girlfriend. Pressure to be a good mother.

Pressure to be a good friend and a good role model.

I am not enough for me so how am I to be enough for others? My interactions especially of late show me I am not enough. I am not what anyone needs and nor can I be. Darkness brings pain and relief and from my soul it screamed for release.

It was tendered that release and now I must seek pardon for I am not enough. Some master piece I turned out to be. Perhaps even the great creator can make mistakes. Dawn remains many hours away and the walls press heavy within. Freedom it’s cry, its desire and has been granted this night.

Clemency to the screams within and prison applied a new without.
Clouded mind, blood stained flesh and all the while there’s doubt.
Seeking answers to questions upon my bended knee.
Cries of pain, no cure in sight and yet it calls to me.

I am not enough. That’s painfully clear in everything I do.

I am healing or so they say then why do I feel so bad.
When they wake and see the pain they will be so mad.
If I am his master piece could gad have made a mistake.
Why today, why this night fresh lessons I did make.

I am not enough. That I know is true.

I am not enough for me or any other.
Not as friend, nor wife, nor mother.
I failed myself and those I love upon this darkened night.
Demons cry for freedom and have been spirited to flight.

I am not enough. For me or for you.

In the darkness I lost and today one hundred and ninety six days has come to an end. In the darkened hours I lost my fight. With fresh lessons etched in flesh, my weakness painfully clear and my inequities on full display. Where do I go from here?

I am sorry I have failed you all. I am sorry I have failed myself. One hundred and ninety six days now reset to zero.

~Michelle Styles – May 20, 2014

Horrible pain within as they wail for freedom.
Now free and a moment of ecstasy as they make escape.
When the orgasm of pain ends I see.
The lines of destruction left in freedoms wake.
The stench of failure hot upon me.
Alone in the darkened hours, I bleed.
They are free and I am once more shackled.