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Anger leads to danger

Anger is a dangerous thing as it leads only to danger. All my life I’ve found anger leading me astray. Anger leading me to a darkened path. Let me explain.

After my rape I was angry. Angry with the world, angry at god, angry at myself. I with drew from the world at a time I needed it, I withdrew from God at a time I needed him, I withdrew inside and the Michelle I was faded from sight.

Withdrawing from the world.

I needed the strength of others at that moment but in my anger I was blinded to just how badly I needed the strength. My anger colored my view of the world as a vile place. A place where safety is a dream and nothing more. I didn’t understand at the time the safety I had because I was to angry to see it.

That lack of vision lead me to withdraw from people. Withdraw from contact and it crippled me emotionally. When all the strength I had was my own I was incomplete. You see we were designed to be social by our creator. His grand design ties humans together for security, sanity and safety.

When we follow the design strength is had in more places than inside. As humans we are completed by our circle, our society. Our connections to each other feeds us in ways you can’t know until you don’t have those connections.

There is danger in breaking those mortal ties, those ties to social benefit and strength.

Withdrawing from God.

I needed him during this time but my anger blinded me to his plan. In my pain the anger continued to build until I turned it on him. His design is not for us to be alone, it’s not for us to suffer. But anger leads to danger and I dangerously blamed him.

Anger lead me to blame and darkness. A separation from the only person who truly understood my pain. It left me to wander in darkness for many years. Anger with God lead me to challenge my faith, question my maker and curse myself.

There is grave danger in this anger and doubt. Danger that unless you’ve been there you may not understand it. The separation from him and the blame leads to doubt and doubt to anger with the only one left to blame. Self.

Anger with self.

The last stage of my anger. The worst of all that lead to a suicide attempt, cutting, multiple hospitalizations because I cut to deep and hundreds of stitches. This anger lead to dangers I wasn’t prepared for.

Wait angry with myself? Michelle come on how can you be angry with yourself you were the victim. Well that’s true I was the victim. But as a victim struggles and seeks answers to questions which should never need to be asked they slowly sink from seeking then to blaming and eventually to anger.

When the world was not enough to blame I turned on my creator, on God himself. When he was not enough to blame I turned it inward. How could you be so stupid I asked myself. As answers don’t come I began thinking what did I do wrong. A I pushed the strength away and feel to the anger I was also blinded to reality.

When God is not enough to blame there is no one left but yourself. When your personal strength is gone and your anger is all that’s left the danger is all to apparent to all around you. But in blindness we wouldn’t see it ourselves.

In my blindness I didn’t see the danger. From my own blindness I didn’t see my own frailty. An illusion of my own strength and self righteous anger was all I had left. Even today that anger though mostly gone doesn’t release easily. Today my anger and distrust run as deep as ever and it all started with anger at the world.

Today I’m still in many ways crippled by that initial anger. The anger that lead me to the brink of life and death. The anger that lead me from God. The anger that nearly consumed me. Today I know it’s there and I know it was my truest enemy and the darkness.

Putting aside that anger in as much as I am capable has place me in route to redemption.

I would ask next time you are angry to put it aside and look for a path around it. Don’t push the world away and don’t push God away. When anger is all that’s left and it’s turned upon oneself. The passage out may become impassable. Remember these words anger breeds only itself. It multiplies quickly and it only leads to dangerous places. Inside oneself and outside as well. Anger will blind and deceive until it is all you have left. That’s its plan for you total domination, slavery if you will and it is always master once you give it power.

~Michelle Styles – May 1, 2014