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My monster hero

I have a pretty good friend I have come to know as Yoda. I call him Yoda because he is both old and wise. He and I have had a number of discussions about the monster in my mirror. I’ve written about the monster several times including the latest one here:

Yoda would tell me that maybe monsters are not as bad as I think. He would tell me the monster was born out of a need. I don’t think I was ready to hear that at the time. Even though he told me often. In my spirit walk though two ancestors one my grandpa Mato and the other a cousin Chapa. Both reinforced this exact thought.

They told me but not all monsters or bad and that there’s very little difference between a monster new hero there are both inside of us. The differences the monster stairs because it likes to scare the hero saves lives. I’m not sure why exactly I heard it so clearly this time when my friend was trying to tell me all along. He’s a DJ indeed a good and wise man.

Chapa lived and fought during the indian wars along side crazy horse. He witnessed his wife and child murdered and he saw his fair share of blood in battle. From a man who must have had his own monster and had seen the evil of man. These words ring truthful.

I learned this from a distant cousin Chapa meaning beaver told me “we see what we reflect. To not reflect the monster I need to be seen in my own eyes. I need to tell the monster you’ve done your job, I’m safe, you can rest now.” A wise beaver told me this now how to stand in it’s place and see myself reflected. My new charge.

He further said: “To believe in monsters is to believe in heroes. Not all are as they appear. Inside we all have each is your monster a true product of evil or born a hero as a result of evil. It protects you do monsters protect or do they scare and cause harm?”

Grandpa Mato spoke of the monster as well.

Grandpa Mato said “Some monsters serve a higher purpose”. I think I know what he meant now. Without mine the girl I was would have died long ago. The monster protected her but it’s time for the monster to stop protecting and learn to live instead.

I see the monster because I allow it vision. It’s job is done it can rest now. It served what was needed while the little girl cried and cowered.

So my monster I realized perhaps isn’t a monster at all. Its a product of a very ugly event in my life and something that was needed at the time to survive. The 14 year old little girl who couldn’t reconcile what’s going on; who was broken and dying was saved by that monster.

So is it a monster after all or just misunderstood? Not all monsters are as they appear to be not all monsters are bad and some aren’t monsters at all. I guess you could say any child who grew up on Sesame Street should know not all monsters are bad some are just misunderstood.

So a lesson from my childhood I guess it should be everything I needed to know I learned on the street Sesame Street.

So pastor Dan you’re pretty damn lucky growing up with Yoda. I don’t know if he was always as smart or always as wise. But you were lucky for knowing him.

Yoda you were right all along my monsters is not a monster after all. That face in the mirror that looks back at me now isn’t the monster I was afraid of. This is a monster that I cry for because I lost my face. I lost the face of that little girl.

I can see it now I can see why I cry. The scars are not pretty. It’s not the reflection of the monster terrible and cruel but the little girl wo hasn’t come to grips with her reflection.

Perhaps I should wear the scars as a badge of honor. For having the guts to not die. I don’t know just maybe.

But I do know its time to tell the monster go play in the Sun and the waves. To have some fun because your job is done. I’ll call you should I ever need you again.

I need to tell it thank you for the job you’ve done; thank you for saving my life and thank you for rushing in to save the child. It shouldn’t have taken so long but thank you for being strong all those years. You’ve earned this vacation, go enjoy it. I’ll call on you should I ever need you again. I know your strength, I know your heart and I know your kindness. You’re my hero.

In time I’ll learn how to let the monster that lives in my head take control. In time I’ll learn to see it as a hero that it is. I’ve taken the first step in integrating this monster, hero. I’ve given it a name. I call it Wiconi which means life in Lakota.

Just proves my grandfather, Yoda and Champa right. Monsters aren’t always what they appear and there are differences between monsters and heroes. Both do dirty jobs the difference is one of need the other born of desire to do that dirty job.

The men who attacked me were monsters born of evil. Wiconi is no monster at all. Wiconi is my hero and I’ll never call it a monster again. You have a name and forever you will be known as Wiconi and not the monster. You’ve saved my life and I know you will come when I need you.

So when you see your monster in the mirror ask yourself is it really a monster or was it born of some need. Did it save you as Wiconi saved me? If your monster isn’t a monster at all why not give it a name also? Show it a little respect and call it by what it is. A hero.

Perhaps that’s one of the toughest things a victim has to do. They have to come to grips with what they had to become, the control they had to give up and the things they had to do to survive.

Perhaps all victims have a monster but really they’re hero. We might not like the ugly things it did for us, but it survive the ugly things we weren’t strong enough to survive ourselves. If a monster saved your life maybe sometime give it a name and do as I do. Recognize it’s sacrifice to save your life.

My monster perhaps is no monster but instead a hero. It was born of a need against inexplicable evil. I think they maybe right. It’s not a monster though it’s job was ugly. But is not the job of a fireman ugly? Fire and flame and destruction but in the end the fireman saves lives.
I think I finally understand my monster the hero of the fourteen year old girl it saved.

For the first time it’s clear sure it’s ugly, it served and survived an ugly event. But in the end it ran into that burning building in my mind and pull that little girl to safety. That’s no monster it’s a hero with an ugly job.

So mine will forever be my hero and its name is Wiconi.

~Michelle Styles – March 28th, 2014