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My walk

As some know this week I sought communion with God and my ancestors. I sought a spirit walk to mend and guide my spirit. My spirit walk is all over now and some of my questions have been answered. I am not sharing the entire experience but merely a glimpse of that which was my spirit walk.

I began my spirit walk because I sought answers on many subjects but the ones listed here were the larger questions:

1> I seek how to forgive the remaining men who wronged me including the one who stole my face and created the monster.
2> I seek how to kill the monster in my mirror or integrate it into myself so it stops haunting me.
3> I seek how to forgive myself for my sins against him when I tried to kill myself. Who will stand for me when he judges this action?
4> I seek to calm my mind for clearer thoughts and a path to reconciling my past.
5> I seek to end my addiction to blood shedding and end the addiction of cutting forever.

The spirit walk lasts three days. During which time you do not eat or sleep. You remain awake, pray and meditate. The creator comes and stays and he brings forth ancestors to advise with wisdom. It comes as if a dream and is often riddled. Unraveling the puzzle is part of the adventure. Here is some of my walk. A frail and incomplete attempt to describe something holy and extremely personal.

My Creator answered one of the questions himself. His answer was clear and true. He told me the only one left who hasn’t forgiven me for my suicide attempt was me. He pointed to the example of my father this weekend removing the restriction the climb (a promise I made many years ago) as long as I was careful and did not climbing alone. This was a huge step for my father one most couldn’t begin to fathoms it’s depths. One I never expected and the message was missed until my heavenly father illuminated it for me.

He said your father has forgiven you, I’ve forgiven you, your friends and family have forgiven you. You’re the only one left who hasn’t forgiven you for it. He was right of course. Now I have the keys all I have left to do is find the right door to open inside. I know I hold a lot of things against myself. That was made clear in abundance on this spirit walk.

I’m not perfect, I’m not and I need to learn to forgive my humanness. My heavenly father told me in no uncertain terms. He loves me and he understands the point I was at in my life when I attempted suicide. He felt my pain and he knew my heart and mind. He forgave me even before I decided to die.

I don’t know for sure on a couple of answer still I’m cumulating the wisdom that was imparted to me and hopefully it’ll all amount to an answer. So now I pray for the wisdom to find the answers within the bits of imparted wisdom.

It was incredible experience I remember this much for my last time but this time it seemed … closer; more connected and grounded. I know I got to speak with my Creator I know he visited me for the entire time. We talked like friends and I heard him from my heart.

This message was loud and clear. His words were not a riddle like much of the wisdom shared. They were simple and direct. “Everyone else is forgiven you so why can’t you forgive yourself?”

Suicide was the one personal crime I always thought was unforgivable. I thought it so because in the attempt I tried to usurp God himself. But I know now God forgave me the day I tried and he even forgave me before I tried. My human family held some grudges and held some stuff against me. They after all were worried, concerned, and scared.

I guess these things are only natural that you’re worried and scared when your child attempts to hurt herself, to kill herself. I don’t know for sure when my father on earth forgave me or when my mother forgave me. I’m not sure when my family forgave me. But I know they have. My creator also made it clear I didn’t need to know when, I only need know they have.

I still have a lot of things to think over. There are still some things I have to do. But my spirit walk cleared up so many things and provided tools for many other things in my life.

To reconcile my past and move toward forgiving the men who wronged me. I’m planting the seeds of forgiveness. I’m going to water them with my tears and I’m going to take care of them. I need to grow this garden and I know it won’t be an all the sudden thing.

Thanks to Grandpa Mato who left me some parting wisdom and I’ve thought hard and long on it. I understand forgiveness will be a process and will take time. I want to plant the seed but I need to know how to care for it so it will bloom and I will have peace at last. It will be a process. It will require time to grow such a magnificent plant.

When they bear fruit I hope to share that forgiveness with those in my life at the time. I hope that the fruit of forgiveness brings peace and grace to my life. I hope it brings a closing to this chapter forever. I guess that’s what forgiveness is for. It’s for closing the book so you can heal and move on.

I’ve learned now when things remain un-forgiven the spirit remains unhealed. As long as that one un-forgiven sin remains you’ll never know a full and lasting peace and you’ll never be whole. I’ve also learned some things can’t be forgiven overnight. It takes time, energy, and work. I know just because I forgive them doesn’t mean they are forgiven by God. All it means is that I can move on to my next chapter, my next book.

Forgiveness is “for me”.

There you go pastor Dan another forgiveness is post. Forgiveness is for me. That’s what forgiveness is. It’s just for me; so I can move on; so I can have closure; so I can be whole and have peace. Forgiveness is my gift to me.

Forgiveness is about the victim about forgiving those who have done something wrong to them so that the victim can finally closed the book and start a new chapter. Starting a new chapter yeah that sounds nice.

Honestly I’m pretty sick of Michelle Styles book number one. It’s full of pain, full of darkness and I want to move on Michelle styles book number two. I want to move to the next chapter in my life.

I have to find the secret to start that next book filled with light, love and life. I want that monster go away. I want it to go away until I need it again. I hope I never need it again but if I do I know it’s there. I know it’s strong and it will defend me. It will defend us.

I guess there are good monsters in this world. Perhaps this monster is what I need to find in order to integrate this monster into me. Maybe I just need to realize that all monsters aren’t bad. Not all monsters hide under your bed waiting for you to fall asleep.

Grandpa Mato said “Some monsters serve a higher purpose”. I think I know what he meant now. Without mine the girl I was would have died long ago. The monster protected her but it’s time for the monster to stop protecting and learn to live instead. I am glad he came to me, I needed to know he was ok. Even after death he is passing his wisdom to me. Even after death I know his love.

For now I have some answers I’m going to move forward. I’m going to take these answers and apply them. I will see if I can find solutions to my problems in the wisdom since imparted.

Much was the declared and clarified in part because of the spirit walk. I’m very thankful for the opportunity granted to me in my ancestors and to be so close with my Creator. I realize I have so many blessings in my life but I also realize there are choices to be made. Difficult and challenging choices lay ahead of me. I will find the strength to do what I must do.

I will either live with certain choices or back off of those same choices. Either way I will find a way integrate and reconcile those in to my life. Maybe those choices have to wait until the event created a monster is forgiven. I realize I’ve pushed many things too hard and to fast. I need to find the words and time to rectify that. Else I create more need for the monster and for protection.

I guess I have to face the things that cause pain in my life before focusing on those that should cause joy. Only then can I say I’ve closed book on them. Somehow or another I’ve got to close the book of pain before the next chapter can start. In earnest I’ve relegated control to the monster while I continued to hide. That’s why I see the monster in the mirror. Until I resume the control I won’t see me in the mirror.

I learned this from a distant cousin Chapa meaning beaver told me “we see what we reflect. To not reflect the monster I need to be seen in my own eyes. I need to tell the monster you’ve done your job, I’m safe, you can rest now.” A wise beaver told me this now how to stand in it’s place and see myself reflected. My new charge.

I did see my grandpa Mato and he told me to close the book is as simple as turning the last page. But it seems sometimes you can’t put a book down. You can’t put it away. I’m stuck in not being able to close my book right now. Because to much is left undone.

Perhaps in time I’ll find the answer to turn in that last page. But my bet is I can’t until the pain and darkness are forgiven. I must learn first to forgive myself because everyone else has. I must learn to forgive those who took so much from me. I must learn I can’t recover what was taken that day but I can accept it doesn’t make me less because of it. Grandpa Mato said “I must forgive to find the love and value of myself”.

The love and value of myself. Something I had not thought on since so long ago. What is it like to see love within yourself and value within yourself? The love and value that is you. I don’t have that answer yet but I have the wisdom and from it I know forgiveness is the key.

I don’t know what’s in the future but I want to know. I want to find out what lay ahead of me. I want to live it, I want to learn it, I want to love it and self forgiveness is that key.

Communion with my creator was excellent time for me. I talked to him like I will talk to my best friend because he is my best friend. I told him my whole life story so far. I know he knows it but like a best friend he listened anyway as I retold it. He seemed to want to hear it anyway.

Isn’t that what best friends do for us? They listen to the same story just because you want to tell it and they wait and listen patiently and lovingly. They listen to the very last word. As my best friend I just talked with him that way. So I must say thank you God for your time, thank you for my life, and thank you for this day. Amen. After all that seems to be what he wants. He wants to be close to us, he wants to know us. He wants us to love him and he wants us to know him.

Grandpa Mato gave me some hints for watering the seeds. In his last letter he said I had to plant them and when they bloom I would find my reconciliation. In my dream he told me water them with my tears. Tears allow the pain out and forgiveness grows when pain leaves. He told me love the seeds because love is forgiveness fertilizer and that these seeds will mend my heart and my spirit when they bloom.

Now I have to find a way to love forgiveness in order to mend what’s left of my heart and soul. No one else can do that for me. It’s something I’ll have to come on my own. But it’s something I have to try, I have to do.

He also told me that love will be the seeds of forgiveness? He said forgiveness is the ultimate love that we can give to ourselves. He said feed them love and what is in my heart will grow to beautiful flower. He said when we plant the seeds feed them with love and water them with tears they will grow to be a beautiful flower. The flower is even more beautiful than a rose because it has no thorns. I’m told the flower of forgiveness has a fragrance that is intoxicating.

He said but all I need it’s what’s inside to grow the seeds perfectly. I fully trust grandpa Mato so I’m growing forgiveness with a little love, a little water and the belief that forgiveness is complete.

It would seem that forgiving these men is the ultimate gift I could give myself. Now I just have to find a way to trust that what I’m doing is the right thing to do. It will be hard to love because I don’t feel love worthy and so cry with joy and sadness. Joyful tears because even as I struggle feeling unworthy of real love I know I am loved non-the-less. Sad tears because I’ve not always seen that love so clearly. So now I’ve planted the seeds in the garden of my spirit and hope against hope they grow.

I need to find the strength to trust the joy, to cry, and the love and to forgive. When I find that I’ll be sure to let grandpa Mato know I’m finally ready. When I find these things and forgiveness is complete I have to find my grandfather again and say thank you, I love you and I miss you.

Forgiveness is the best gift I could give myself. Yet during these times I’m still not sure how to get to the end of the this goal. Maybe that’s because I’m not sure I have all the tools required to get there. What I do know is this wisdom is really important to me and I’m going to use it. I’m going to find the tools I need. Even if it takes my lifetime to find or build them.

I’m thankful to all the friends and family who supported me through this time. Many of you have written, texted, e-mailed to express your joy and prayers for me. Your happiness and prayers for me means much to me. More than I can express so a simple I love you all will have to do.

I’m still not sure how to kill the addiction. It seems to be less strong right now. I’m thankful for that; really I am; but I know it’ll come back. Will I be strong enough the next time to resist it? In the end it’s trust that wins the day. I hope…

I guess it’s really a game of trust that I will always find the strength that is needed to resist the addiction. It’s strong and can be very full when it comes. I’ve spoken of it before like the tide when it starts it barely pushes the shore but in time it slams well into the sands. I know the power of addiction because I’ve lived with it.

I wanted to thank my friends and family, my ancestors and my creator for cheering for me, staying with me and hoping the best for me during this time. I did receive a bunch of things I was seeking. I’ve received and gotten some things I’m not sure what to do with yet. I’ll let everybody know what I know.

I have some tough decisions to make in my life and hurdles to cross. I have some things to do because they are important. I need to draw the important things close right now and not all those decisions will be popular with everyone. So many things I know I need to do at this point.

So I guess that starts the prequel to book two. The final chapter in the book Michelle Styles book one her pain and darkness. I think book two needs to be Michelle Styles into light and home.

Maybe it will be a start but I know now forgiving is but the beginning of book two and the end of book one. I know that may seem funny and perhaps it is we’ll see I guess. I know I have to close this one because it has too much pain. Forward to finish this chapter and find rest in the arms of forgiveness. The closure of this chapter may take time but it also begins the first chapter of book two at the same time.

Where to start? I guess start with myself for my attempted suicide. I think that has to be first. Then begin forgiving as my plant strengthens the men who wronged me and ultimately the one most responsible. I think those two things will give me much peace. My ancestors have spoken of such and I got this book to finish.

I got my last hug and I got my last words. I know grandpa Mato died and is in heaven now. I also know he lives in my heart and his wisdom lives in my head, my heart and my spirit. I will pass that wisdom down to my children and he will live in them as well.

I’m thankful for this week and even the unfortunate circumstances that brought us together. But in the end we celebrated the great life of a great man who touched many with his kind words and extra large heart. I got to spend much needed time with my son and my father. I got to see all of my family, my brothers and sisters.

It was and enlightening, wonderful, stressful, awesome, awful, sad, happy and it was filled with every emotion known to man. I wouldn’t trade one moment of it. I’ll cherish every moment with my son and I wouldn’t trade a millisecond of the time spent with him either.

Its been incredible here I’ve had so many emotions, so many ups and downs. I’ve had so many experiences, meet so many people, learned so much about a man I already admired and now admire more. So much of the past nearly two weeks has been so full there’s been barely time to breath and I’m thankful for it. Thankful for the chaos and the calm but most of all I’m thankful for this life and its moments.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder why I deserve to be so blessed. My only conclusion is I don’t deserve it but I’m blessed so anyway.

I am thankful though I didn’t need a spirit walk to make the right choice with my son. I couldn’t picture my life without him I wouldn’t be complete. I look back on my choice there really wasn’t much of a choice. Life was the only choice I was willing to consider. In the moment of that choice I became a woman, an adult. Was it the right thing? You bet it was.

I could not picture my life without Josef in it. I can say I would have so many regrets if I murdered him back then. That was the first moment in my life I heard my creator talk to me and I am so thankful my Creator sent me his wisdom. He delivered that message to me personally and he spoke to my heart he told me “Don’t do it, don’t kill my child”.

I heard this message then as I hear it today. I have so much to be thankful for and yet somehow I still remain mired in mud and somehow I still struggle with forgiving myself for some things. I haven’t learned to move to that stage yet.

If I think I couldn’t forgive myself for trying to kill myself I have to ask how I’d feel if I hadn’t had that baby. How would I feel today if I murdered my son that many years ago?

I guess I don’t have as much to forgive as I thought. I’ve made good choices and bad choices and even still Gods voice comes to me. God told me after listening that day that he forgave my sins to come including attempting suicide because I obeyed him and the life he gave to me.
It was an incredible three days. I glad a few were there in spirit with me. Much wisdom is imparted now the courage to act upon it I seek.

~Michelle Styles

Please pardon typos, or how quickly this was written I’ve been without sleep for some 66 hours now. I wanted to share something so I have to put it in writing. Hope you enjoyed the read.