, , , , , ,

One final dance.

Today we danced for the last time …… it seems so real all the sudden. I know I mourn for selfish reasons. I’m morn for what I’ve lost the hole that’s left inside.

Now I’m left wondering how to dance with him again. I’ve heard so many great stories I wish I’d known him longer. Even in death he seems so real. Now he’s gone and they were things I’ll never get a chance to tell him. So much wisdom he’ll never get to share. How does one carry on when they lose a piece of themselves. It’s clear I won’t see him again until I’m called home to my father; until then guess I’ll have his memories.

I Will never fill the hole in my heart. I guess patches will have to do. I should be celebrating his life today. I should be celebrating the lives he touched. So many people I wonder if they feel the same as I.

My son Josef has been confused about this whole thing. I find myself confused right now as well. I’ve said goodbye to others, I’ve said goodbye to family. But never one so close and dear. So many things I wanted to say. I would say grandpa Mato you touch my life; you made a difference to me. By the turnout tp send you off you touched hundreds more.

It means your life was obviously fruitful and it meant something. If so many would turn out to pay their respects; to dance, to tell stories and to see you off to home. I know you’re with your heavenly Father now. I know you’re with your wife and your son and I should be happy but I can’t say that I am.

The past couple days have been awfully hard on me. I don’t know where to turn. I’m trying to be happy and put on my brave face but I can’t say I’m really happy. I wish I had more time to come see you. I wish so many things and they’re all too late. I love you grandpa.

Someday I’ll see you again by then you’ll be wiser. I went to the river we used to fish. I could almost see the talking to me and telling me some story about the moon and a coyote or the eagle as it soars and surveys its land. So many times you talk to me and I wish now I’d listened better. I should have but you never stop talking even when I wasn’t listening.

I can’t say when I’ll see you again but I’ll see you in my mind when I close my eyes. I’ll see your words and I remember them and I’ll see you in my son; he has your nose. I’m really not sure where to go next. I’m not sure where to turn. I don’t know how to move forward but I know I must.

I will take your words to heart and I will plant forgiveness and when it bears fruit I’ll have my reconciliation. I’m going to tape your last letter to my mirror. I think I need to be reminded sometimes that I am worth it. Sometimes I need to be reminded I’m not a monster.

I wish I could ask you one more question so many conflicting opinions so many people telling me something different. Things don’t really know how to block those things from my head. The people I know that I love and I trust and yet the opinions they give me may not be in my best interest. I really am at a loss for so many things.

You’re not here to ask this questions. Perhaps one day I’ll find out how to contact you in heaven; until then I’ll just ask myself what would Mato do. We will meet again but until then I have to rely on the wisdom you’ve already given me. I’ve been writing your stories down. I don’t want to forget even one but I’m afraid I’ve forgotten more than I remember.

I wish I could’ve recorded it all. Every story told about you at your celebration. I failed, I wasn’t able to get them all. You deserve to be happy grandpa I know this much and I know my morning is for selfish reasons. Maybe inside I’m still that little girl; selfish in wanting things for myself. I don’t know, maybe it’s normal to miss the things that you are going to miss. Maybe I’m normal to feel this loss.

I wish I didn’t have to. Perhaps in time a long time I’ll learn how to integrate this as well. Now I know how lucky my father and my grandfather must have been. Just knowing you for so long I can’t imagine how they feel. I can’t imagine their loss. All I can imagine is my own. We humans are kind of funny that way aren’t we.

I can’t put the shoe on the other foot and I can’t walk in somebody else’s shoes. The best I can do is my own two feet. So that’s what I plan on doing. I hope to make you proud. So I’ve walked in my shoes. I will walk my own life and integrate the hollow space left in my heart back into the full.

I’ll have to fill it with something. I have the story of my life. I just don’t know; it maybe I haven’t give it a proper chance to work itself out. Perhaps it’s some thing just waiting for me right now. I don’t know; what I do know is I just have to be happy and in order to do that I’m going up to have to reconcile your dead and my loss with God’s gate.

Seems God has so much and yet he now has you too. Sometimes it’s just hard. Your great granddaughter has been thinking selfishly right now. You’d probably have something pretty witty to say like God didn’t need me, I need a god. I don’t know you deserve to be happy. I know you are. I just wish I had more time.

Just a few more hours, a few more days. So what I’d still be looking for more time. Probably guess that’s humans for you selfish. Yeah I’m here after all so I danced with you one last time tonight. We returned your body to the earth and your soul to heaven. I bet you’re checking in on me from time to time. I’ll try to make you proud.

So much a joke “Why did the chicken cross the road? Because you forgot to cook it!” Yeah that was one of my favorites. I remember laughing about that; I was only ten and thought it was really quite funny. I remember so well that fish barely eight inches long you made such a fuss with how great of fish I caught. I know you didn’t think I saw you release the big one that you caught. But I did and I know you were making me feel good about fish I caught. You always were doing that; thinking of everyone else never of yourself.

I’ll remember my first deer for ever, I’ll remember that bass and the taste of smoked bass. I remember the brook trout we caught. I’ll remember swimming in the river, the hikes on the reservation, and our spirit walk. I’ll cherish the time you gave me grandma. I’m going to try to do that for Joseph his children and if God willing my great grand children.

I know you read my blog. You’re probably keep up on the internet in heaven or something.

Got a letter for one of the other man. I won’t have the guts to face him. There is one I don’t know how to forgive. Can I come to reconciliation without ot? I can never forgive him ever. How do you forgive one who stole you your identity. He took everything from me. I need your guidance with this one. I’ll seek it in a dream walk this week. Maybe you can come to me in it. Maybe you can give me some wisdom one more time.

I don’t know how or why. I don’t know much but I know you’ll come. I’m going to need you on this one. I don’t know how to do it on my own. There aren’t many I talk to like I talk to you.

So I’ve decided I’m going to stay an extra week with Josef and my father. I would take my dream walk, oh I know it’s the wrong time of year to do it. Too cold for me, this is really cold perhaps it’s made colder still by the hole that’s been left. Maybe I just can’t get warm because my spirit cries. But I’m going to stay and going to take that walk. I’m going to seek you out and I’m going to ask you to talk to me.

I need the strengthen the bear, cunning of wolf, the wisdom of the owl and the speed of an eagle. Maybe I’ll meet grandma to. I wish I would’ve known her. I know she and Igmu’Taka died before I was ever born. No one ever told me exactly how they were both taken from you at one time that’s so unfair. You probably felt as I do lost alone and wishing you had just a few more hours with them.

That’s what happens when someone so profound leaves your life. There’s a hole that never gets filled or does it? You would have that answer for me if you were here. Does the hole ever stop hurting or did you just learn to live with the amount of pain?

I have to ask myself to evaluate my life right now. some things I either need to do or not do. What would you do with your life? How would you move forward? Questions I’ll never have answered so I’ll speculate. I guess that’s exactly what I’ll do. I’ll ask myself what would grandpa Matos do?

I love you and I’m glad you’re in heaven so you could see your wife your son. They waited for you for so long. You will probably have to wait for me longer. God doesn’t seem to want to take me home yet. I definitely want to die sometimes but God hasn’t called me home yet so here I remain. I won’t know when or where but when he does call me home I’ll see you then.

I wonder if others feel the same way? The space he once occupied inside is now vacant forever. His words were always just a letter away; now there’re lifetime.

~Michelle Styles – March 20, 2014