The monster in my mirror
There is no escaping what was done to me. I’m forced to see it still every day. I cover it every morning and hope and pray it stays hidden. I hope others don’t see it. I tell myself this isn’t me, this isn’t my face. I tell myself my face is just below all this that I can cover the monster and conceal it.
Every morning I begin the dread of is this the day? The day the world sees the monster. Will they see my scars, my fake tooth where they anchored my prostatic cheek bone to my jaw? Will this be the day the monster in the mirror becomes my face?
A daily struggle to hide it and a daily worry that today is the day the monster is known to the world. Those who’ve seen the monster insist the scars aren’t that bad, most of them aren’t visible unless you really look. I’m told the doctors did a good job covering my scars and hiding this face; the monster.
For me they scream look at the monster! They show through the makeup and when people stare I become self-conscious and wonder. Can they see the monster? Did my concealing job fail? Do they see what I see now?
On many occasions I’ve written about it to try and express what’s inside.
Monster in the mirror
Monster in the mirror, daring me to look.
Sneering at the girl whose face that it took.
Monster in the mirror, I see it every day.
Nothing I can do and nothing I can say.
Monster in the mirror, looking back at me.
I pray it hides another day and the world may never see.
Monster in the mirror, though violently it shock.
Wish there came a day without that second look.
Monster in the mirror, I wish it were ok.
Wishing it was gone and praying it not stay.
Monster in the mirror, all its hype and glee.
I pray it dies and awful death and that someday I’m free.
Monster in the mirror, covered like a book.
Another day concealed inside my sanity the hook.
Monster in the mirror, wisdom gone astray.
Darkness comes and the sun sets upon another day.
Monster in the mirror, the first thing I see.
It remains the unspoken wound deep inside of me.
I wrote this one about ten years ago when I was twenty. As you can see it’s a common theme for me. I see what I lost that day every morning. It’s in my mind and on my flesh. I can’t forget it, I’m not allowed to.
Monster in the mirror 2
When my eyes are closed or open I see the monster left to me.
The face they stole that fateful day and all the world can see.
I hide it in hopes to recover something lost.
With my sanity in tow my mind its only cost.
I push myself each day and night to forget what they’ve done.
I race the waves and push myself, no matter how far I run.
I can’t escape what they’ve taken it remains in place.
I cannot look upon the mirror and dare not see it’s face.
My hearts on fire and I trace the lines as my spirit weeps.
It never tires of reminding me; so much so that it never sleeps.
I see what I see it can’t be clearer.
I see when I look the monster in the mirror.
I wrote this one when I was 15. It was months before my attempt to kill the monster and extinquish my flame forever. That attempt failed and here I remain living with the monster. A fate I seem resigned to.
I nolonger try to kill it by killing myself. Just thought that needed to be said.
Monster in the mirror 3
Behind a smile, it hides.
Just below the flesh.
It bleeds in my mind.
These wound unhealed and fresh.
It’s in my mirror.
And it’s in my mind.
Reflections of a monster.
Behind the smile it hurts.
The monster that I see.
Burning pain and agony.
For my company.
It’s ever in my mirror.
And always in my head.
This monster in the mirror.
I wish, I wish was dead.
I wanted to try and tell you what hurts inside. The world normally never sees but I can’t forget it. No matter the time it’s there. I wake it greets me, the face they stole from me. I cover it daily and pretend it doesn’t hurt. Inside I want to die when I trace my face and the day is coming when the world will see. It scares me others might see as I see so I hide it with makeup and a smile.
Perhaps a day will come when the monster and I reconcile and I accept this face they left me with. Until then I await the day God calls me home and finally makes me whole. Sometimes I wish I could see me as he does still perfect and one. But I am left with the reminder instead.
It’s hard to reconcile the inconceivable. I can’t think of a day I’m not reminded, not terrified the world will see the monster. I do not like them to look upon me this isn’t the face my heavenly father gave me. This is the face man gave me.
No one knows what it’s like to feel faded. Yet this is how I hope to feel every day. Faded from sight so others can’t see what I see. To love the day when I can walk among others faded from view and no one staring at me. Without feeling the terror that they’ve seen the monster in my mirror.
Even in faith I’ve asked to often why? Why me? Why must I remember? Why can’t I be allowed to forget? Why must I suffer with the past? So many whys’ and no real answers. It’s a wonder the human spirit lives inside at all after so long. You’d think it would die but alas God made the human spirit resilient. Mine refuses to die despite the dread hidden behind the smile.
Someday a smile may not be enough to conceal the pain of my heart and the torture of my mind. That day is fast approaching I fear. I can’t escape this and I will never be whole while I draw breath. People say Michelle do you believe in hell? I say I’ve lived it. I live it today in the reminders that remain and in every scar they left.
I see the monster in my mirror even when my eyes are closed or darkness shrouds my face.
~Michelle Styles – March 10, 2014