The day I died and came alive.
Our brightest moments follow our darkest storms. This was one such moment and my feeble effort to describe it to you. The moment we welcome death and find ourselves reborn instead.
A short poem today about my suicide attempt so many years ago. This is but an effort to explain what I felt as I lay and wait for death. I saw his face that day and though he pulled my spirit would not follow. It was surreal to say the least.
These words should not be thought as my wish to die. They are a view of the moments of consciousness as I lay bleeding after my attempt. As I wavered in and out of the world and the moment I thought myself free. To the realization I had failed and a new lease found to live.
So a short post today I hope you understand todays post for what it is. A attepmt to explain something hard to understand even for myself.
As I lay in on rock and ledge, pondering the darkness.
Eyes close tight against the pain, staring at the face of god.
Inward drawn from darkness grasp, deeper into black.
Lay upon its rocky flesh, bodies torn to ruin.
Slipping from this conscious world, I feel it leave my body.
Memories fade and darkness comes, emotions dare but lack.
Slipping into freedoms grasp, my spirit cast to wind.
Pain and darkness fade to black, deaths kiss upon my cheek.
Content within; my mission cast, my death is all but claim.
I thought me free of mortal wound, broken from without.
Spirit wanders as body dies, I welcomed deaths embrace.
Attempted move to play god, ended with my Shame.
My champion claims his final prize, my life upon the rocks.
White knight approaches to take me home, I stand ready still.
Death comes for me I know his face, I’ve seen it with my eyes.
He takes my hand and pulls, my spirit will not follow.
Horror comes and time stands still, I am mortal still.
God has saved me this I know, from all of deaths lies.
The black came to my vision, death came riding in.
I am damned to walk this earth, forever with my sin.
Death came and left that day, and here I still remain.
Inside I cry for failed attempt, to end my pathetic life.
Cursed or bless yet here I am, to walk this mortal strife.
Walking dead and yet I live, my life is not in vain.
My life should have ended that day. Two hundred feet and some was the distance I once feel. Shattered upon the rocks the light faded from my vision and the pain was exquisite. I at that moment embraced death and I wanted it. I saw him come on his white horse.
He was handsome and his features striking. As he came to me and took my face a kiss upon my cheek. He smiles and took me by the hand to lead me home at last. But something tied me to this world and I was denied that measure of control. I was denied my planned death.
God wasn’t ready to call me home and he wouldn’t let death have me. What I can tell you is death was handsome, convincing and heroic. But it’s all a façade. He will deceive you because death isn’t pretty. Only life in all its majesty, all its glory, its pain, its joys and its trials. Only life is beautiful and heroic without the mask of lies.
A lesson I sorely needed and one I pray you will never need.
~Michelle Styles – January 27, 2014