A short post about yesterday. Things I need to ponder yet and one big question remains from the day.
Sitting alone by my pool,
I spent some time at the womens shelter near where I live. I saw a few friends from the crisis center and got a few hugs from those you have touched my life. One special friend threw herself around me and in the moment I cried. I don’t even know why but I did.
I’ve been emotional lately. More so it bothers me that I can’t explain the emotional breaks. I can explain the pain of 15 years and the anger. I can explain the joys and tears. But not lately. Lately I just don’t know why.
As she gently wiped the tears from my face I instinctively recoiled. As she wiped the tears from my cheek I found myself wanting to run. Why? I had no reason just everything inside said run. She touched my face. I hate my face. It’s only half mine anymore.
Sure they did well matching my cheek, it’s proportional to the other. Some might even say it’s pretty. To me it’s constant source of reminder of what I lost one fateful day. As she wiped my tears I trembled, physically and mentally.
Would she see the monster at last? The me that lives beneath the flesh? Would she see what was done to me? God I hoped not by my body betrays me as it trembles. She didn’t retract at my trembling she just hugged me more.
She stroked my hair and hugged me tight. Not sure if she said anything I wouldn’t have heard it anyway. Not sure how long she just hugged me. As I sit and reflect I’ve more questions than answers of this night.
As I sit staring into space above in the solitude, I can see myself before. The worst part of remembering is they stole everything. They took my faith, they’ve taken my innocence, they shattered my dreams and hopes. But worse they even stole my face, my physical identity. The horror I feel inside as people see it, touch it.
The monster they made me that day. I know the world sees it but choose to be silent. Perhaps it’s my invisible elephant in the room but it doesn’t change the feelings. When they stare at me I know they see the monster, the frankenstien before them.
Why did she just hug me and not let go? Why did I cry! I’m better than that. I am there to help others so why did I cry? She is a beautiful success story with a heart of pure gold and a smile that ignites the room.
I see her brilliant smile and her warm embrace every time I go. Why today do I cry? Why now? What causes my emotions to be so and how can I turn it off. I don’t like the Jekyll and Hyde my emotions have become. Will the ever be normal? Are they normal now?
I find myself very emotional lately. Crying or laughing for no reason. The world seems foreign and new as I supposedly heal. Things long buried coming out and old wounds yet fester. Into the darkness of the night and lost to the day’s events I stare and think.
I managed to be some help but I’m not sure why the night started as it did. I’m not sure of many things lately. I find myself questioning everything.
As I sit the hours pass and Sarah comes home. When she doesn’t find me in my bed she came looking and found me sitting alone in the dark. She straddled my chair and sat face to face with me. She traced my tears and again I recoiled to the touch.
She knows my heart and words were not needed as we sat silently together. After a time she spoke to me and we recalled better times. But was today bad? I don’t think so though it was full of emotions I can’t explain.
As we sat and chatted the questions of the night still far outweigh the answers. What’s wrong with me?
~Michelle Styles – January 24, 2014
One last note for this day. Recent struggles with my addiction seem at ease as
Why does the girl cry?
We hate you, I hate you.
You’d be dead long ago without me little girl!
Not true, I used you. I … USED YOU!
I saved us! It was me! We are saved because of me! ME! You survive girl because of me!
What did you say girl?
I don’t need you anymore. I don’t NEED you!
You think you don’t. But you need me more than you know child.
Leave me alone!
No! I won’t leave! You belong to me!
Leave me alone!
LEAVE! LEAVE NOW! GET OUT!
(All is quiet within for now)
It sometimes feels this battle is that real. I can hear it scream in hushed whispers. Inaudible and yet I hear. It’s like I talk to my addiction, it calls and I won’t obey. It get angry and makes me shake. It has some measure of control but ultimately I haven’t relinquished enough control for it to get what it desires of me. Pain. Pain is what it wishes but isn’t my wish.
I am master now. It’s former title champion has been stripped and it’s now declared enemy of the state. Let cry havoc and I set free the hounds of hell. May they never return.
But is it gone or just waiting for the right moment to return the hero? Where does it go when it retreats? Where is the key to shackle it? How long before I must wrestle it again for control of the conscious here and now?
I guess I will find out in time. When the monster within returns to exact its revenge. Until then we enjoy a reprieve even a brief one. It has nothing more to teach me. It’s lessons painful to sight and traced forever upon the canvas of my flesh.
Inside the war rages still for now a brief intermission and time to gather my force together for it’s next assault. For now I stand the victor.