Fear and my last post
Many seem to have misunderstood my last post. I understand addiction can be a tough topic. My native language has no word for addiction so I relate it to the nearest thing I can. Fear.
Addiction comes to you while you are trying to walk the right path. Like fear it deceives and lies to you. It prays upon your weakness and comes in the dark, I know my words are not always best chosen for you the reader. For that I am truly sorry. My inability to relate some things within still limits me.
Fear like addiction comes and attacks when you are weakened. I have no fear as defined by common nomenclature of my future, no fear of that which is my past. There are residual echoes which remain today. These come to the present as a protective measure.
There are trust issues as they pertain to mortals of the male persuasion. I still recoil from some human interaction though this is better today and improving as I relearn to trust. And trust takes time.
But as for fear no I do not fear my darkness. I’ve actually been alone with it so much in a way it’s become my lover. I have made intimate love to my darkness. When you embrace it the way I have you do not fear satan himself. I’ve looked him in the eyes before. I know hell because I’ve lived it.
Many fear death I’ve stared it in the face and gazed into it’s dark dead eyes. Little can be done to me that I haven’t already known and seen. I’ve survived it all and nothing is left to truly fear.
So thank you all for your prayers and concern but I believe my wording has mislead you. This was not my intention. The intent was to describe the addiction which recently has called me.
I’ve been 77 days without a lesson in flesh and it’s not happy. It screams within and lies to me about my needs of it. That is what yesterdays post was about. The battle with this beast. It’s deceptions and the rough road in the war against it.
I’m sure any addict of any kind could attest to the raging war within as they walk the proper path away from the familiar. They can tell you of the lies the addiction will cause to remain in your company. They could tell you of the battle which often seems a losing cause. They can tell you of the withdrawals.
My path is not easy and the call is strong. The only path to victory is forward. Straight through the beast. Directly into it and through to calmer times. Each time I pass through it I know the monster grows weaker and smaller.
Thank you for your prayers on yesterdays post they are always welcome. Support of any kind for the addict is a needed tool in recovery. In my effort to relate my present state I seem to have caused confusion.
I make no excuses and in this war I will accept no prisoners. For me victory is but time.
~Michelle Styles – January 22, 2014