Inside me deeply part 6 (Inside my hope)
My journey from darkness into the light. This will probably complete the inside me pieces though I won’t rule out revisiting them in the future. Possibly even a part 7 in the next chapter of deeply inside Michelle.
In Part 1 we covered cutting and my need for control. In Part 2 we covered suicide and the control I thought mine to exercise. In Part 3 we covered my years as a stripper. In Part 4 I covered the pressure to abort and the struggle within about the value of life and how much I’m glad I choose life. And in Part 5 where briefly I took you inside my rape. The day that haunts my dreams still.
Form the day I was raped I wouldn’t know it but I sought control. Control over that which wronged me via sex and stripping, control over my feelings by cutting. Control is something that’s dominated my life since that day. Don’t get me wrong I make no apology for my days as a stripper nor do I owe you my dear reader an apology of any kind for my life.
I imagine it’s because control was taken from me that day. I had no choice who to give my virginity to. No choice of my own life and death, no control at all. I’m not sure why my mind reached for the things I’ve done to feel that control. All I know is control is the thing i felt most robbed of.
Today I’ve let go of some of my need for control. Parts of life must be accepted and we are merely along for the ride. But have we some measure of control? I’ve found now my control is the path i choose to follow. Recently that path has been from darkness back to my heavenly father. I want to take you along from my darkness to new hope.
In the days following my rape I sought answers to tough questions. Why me? Why did god do this? The lack of real answers and push toward just having faith, just trust in god lead me toward darkness. Perhaps because at that moment I trusted in nothing. My humanity itself had been stripped from me and none around me could see this fact.
I can’t say those whom I spoke to didn’t try and help. I can say the help wasn’t helpful because it merely told me to do that with I was questioning most. So my faith shattered and no sign of repair I began slipping into a darkness that was all consuming. Inside I shutdown and became numb. I’ve been told this is a self preservation mechanism. When feelings can’t be explained we withdraw.
That make sense to me. When we are losing a battle in war and reinforcements aren’t available we strategically withdraw. You would attempt to find higher ground and a place where your current numbers mean little and advantage could be pressed to turn the tides of your battle. My problem was I had to few to hold even higher ground. I continued the retreat until darkness hide me from the world.
At last! A place my enemy couldn’t find me a place numb to all without feelings. My numbers were sufficient to hold this position. From this point I would seek victory and inside a gorilla war raged. Fight where I had strength and retreat back into the deepest darkest corners of my mind when i needed sanctuary.
This battle would last a decade and a half. Five years shy of a score. I never seemed to get the control I sought, the victory I craved. I found moments of peace and measures of control but fleeting they were indeed.
Looking back light was brought forward many times and I ran. I ran from that which I couldn’t reconcile from my darkness, that which i felt betrayed me. I ran from the source of healing with the power to make me whole. Yes I felt god himself betrayed me on that day. As I read and sought answers to why he had turned from me I slowly came to understand the depths of free will.
I knew the evil of mankind and it blinded me to the good for a time.
While in the darkness my father sent messengers, an angel who would be my lover, my best friend and the one person I’ve always been able to lean on. She has been a pillar, a mountain where even in darkness a small encampment of light upon higher ground. My family, a few friends like Mike who helped restore my faith in men.
But my walk in darkness continued. My struggle for control a desperate losing battle. One which included an attempt at ultimate control of life and death. To measured control of when and how much to feel, to accidental miscalculations when I felt I deserved more pain. Yes my cutting nearly claimed my life thrice. The last time my angel had enough.
My struggle for a new control began. Though it never materialized I sought a new outlet from cutting, a new control. When none appeared I continued to cut for a measure of control. Though less often and I genuinely tried to stop I never could. I was addicted to pain, control and feeling something.
I know my feelings for Sarah are true. It’s what anchored me to life. I feel without her love, that little ray of hope. I’d had not survived these years in darkness. One little anchor holding me to the reality I knew and wanted. The same reality I didn’t know how to obtain again.
From my darkness I had begun a journey back to get answers to why. The best answer I have is I don’t know and will never know. What I have come to know is free will not god explains the evil in this world.
It took some time but I eventually connected with several people. I’ve told the story of the day in I am little, I am broken, I am good. You can find that day here: https://aghostdancer.wordpress.com/2013/11/14/i-am-little-i-am-broken-i-am-good/
This is the day gods message finally reached me I heard him calling me. My journey to the light now begins in earnest. I can say this I believe I’ve found the one place control isn’t a bad thing. Control of my decision to return to my heavenly father. This journey raises questions for me but those shall be discussed with the proper people first and I will share those choices here at the proper appointed hour.
My journey to hope, light and life continues. Though darkened still the light never leaves my vision. It’s always right there and just enough even in the darkest to remind me which way is out. Control is an illusion unless it’s toward a worth goal. My control now is all in my choices to return to faith, love and hope.
That’s the only measure of control that remains. The control of the choices I make from now until the glorious day my heavenly father calls me home. The control to follow the light or remain in darkened past. My final measure.
For me new challenges await. Forgiveness of myself for walking so long from him. Forgiveness of those who wronged me so long ago. Forgiveness is my next hurdle.
My new champion I thought was love. But I’ve had love all along. The answer came from a young lady I was supposed to be helping. It turns out she helped me more than she’ll know when she gave me the name of my new champion. My new champion is hope…
~Michelle Styles – January 14, 2014