Sun breaks on a new day.
Yesterday was a quiet day for me though not darkened. I’m not exactly sure I just didn’t feel like making noise. As the day wore on I found myself withdrawn though as mentioned not darkened just quiet. I can’t explain yesterday but it seems people misunderstand me at times. Friends, family, lovers worried though I gave them no cause. Still it’s nice they had concern.
I would guess given my history some measure of concern may be warranted. Today I still feel withdrawn and again lack words for which explanation would be suitable. I know I’ve not slept well in two nights though efforts are made to that desire. Silent oblivion with restful dreams of colors eludes my reality.
Perhaps night shall bring break and distraction required. I can’t explain this feeling it’s foreign to me in both nature and practicality. How does one describe such thoughts so others will not worry without need? I am not depressed nor shadow of past loom within my vision. This is the best comfort I can offer.
Last night I sat watching the night sky. I found myself wondering if he was watching too. Physicality may be a restraining object for the flesh but the spirit can be connected no matter the distance. No object remains an obstacle to the spirit. Was he perhaps seeing the same stars and asking is she watching. My mind was set afire with thoughts of such.
I wondered at the marvel of creation and the light show sent just for me. The lights in the sky flicker a brilliant display to behold. From the comfort of my room; gazing to the heavens in wonderment at the volume of vast creation. We are little indeed in the overwhelming space and time we occupy.
I sat pondering my place, my existence and yet not my value. I know my worth, it’s been weight and measured before. I sat naked in spirit, stripped of concern and bathed in the moment. My body was quiet and my mind a blaze with activity. Washed by question and momentary acquittal free to just think. Weighing options, dreaming of possibilities and pondering questions.
For a time I’ve been considering returning for more education. I’m leaning toward choices that may take me from my current path. Decisions for which I seek guidance from only a source of divinity. Large changes to my comfort zone would be required should I make such a choice. This is heavy upon me.
So many things chase reality and my mind will not settle in for slumber. Two nights with little to no peaceful bliss and colors of dreams remain memory for now. Perhaps another day shall bare witness to such a thing.
So much to consider and so little time for same. All the while pondering and treading water on considerate mind. I can’t call it troubled just deep in thought and heavy with consideration of possibilities. Much of which I’ve not discussed as yet.
One thing I’ve been considering is a book deal offered to me. A book about my life and as yet until last night I hadn’t made final decision. Final contest finds a book at this time unmanageable and this morning I gave answer. One thing I can remove from my mind perhaps stilling the waters a bit in effect.
I’ve worked so hard this past year and more work lay ahead. My personal goals and desires should be prominent in decisions. These goals and desires once weighed against a book tipped scales to disfavor. I’ve much more to learn of guitar, my voice and learning to use this new gift. I’ve weighed may things in my life and I am found wanting.
So much lay undone and unfinished within my vision. It seems I’ve done so little with all I’ve been given. The blessing of a keen mind and yet it idles in wait. How to engage it and see it to proper use is a question I’m left with now. Many things lay before me yet.
I’m happiest at the shelter helping. I feel I contribute there. I feel I belong there but is that selfish to feel so? I’m not sure but I know I want to do more and I desire toward such an end. Things will come and go but need will be always and limited people willing or able to help.
I’ve desire toward future, voice and self. Yet again I feel selfish because they are my desires without heed nor care to others the desire may impact. I haven’t even discussed such with many save a few. Perhaps I need to surf and seek inspiration toward guidance.
What future could give pause to heart and settle mind? A future where heart absent equation its base desires fulfilled. One less thing to the turbulence within from the world without. A time where quiet reflection gives way to blessing of more baser reality. Reality of the heart feed its desired portion of love and the fire of desire roars as simmer.
What eyes could behold the needs of others and stay a voice for comfort? My voice silent for now still it struggles to emerge though silence remains faster method. So many troubles and yet my voice is not ready fully though I push for such a day. A time when I will listen and speak to those who need from my heart in words they hear with theirs.
What self has desires a draw to such pain and allow it within as effort to affect another’s future? Perhaps my calling as I return to school. A total departure from my chosen path. A new path forged by years of silence and a new awakening within. This most troubling among my considerations. It’s huge endeavor to make such drastic change and the task though momentous is not unthinkable. My eyes lay upon a new path and within I feel a need to pursue it. Perhaps yet more selfish desire or perhaps selfless by nature.
I’ve so many things I wish to do and yet simple path is not available. Time will be my anchor and wisdom my rudder in uncertain times like these. Even keel, a steady hand and I shall see myself to destined path. Winds of favor blow and masts are full with life. I guess to settle mind I must release the mainsail and let horizons reach guide my helm to port.
How simple the decision when free of hawser and cast adrift where setting suns allow. Sails set full and horizon still in the distance. What course might it chart should I release the wheel and trust the tides.
So many things I yet desire but do my desires matter at all? Today I release all that stirs and set free the course of my life. Where ever tides may take me, there I shall be.
~Michelle Styles – January 9, 2014