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Watching and dreaming from afar

Why is it the things we wish to say most are the hardest to express? This will probably ramble and make no sense but it’s some of my feelings about watching my son from afar.

Form the day my son was born I was relegated to watching as he grew. You see I wasn’t ready to have motherhood forced upon me. I wasn’t ready when he was born to raise him with love. At that time I wasn’t even sure what love was. I wanted to love him and god knows I tried but in my broken state I couldn’t love myself let alone a child.

Oh I was his mother by birth and blood, but my mother would be the woman he knew as mom and my father would be his father. All the while I watched as he grew. I dreamed and prayed for him. I’ve wished for the best for him in all things.

I feel a detachment, a lonely place in my heart as I watch from afar. I’ve so many dreams and hopes for him and the man he will become. He brightens my thoughts when nothing else will and is the reason my heart beats. I can’t imagine my life deprived of him had it actually been just a choice so many years ago. I can’t imagine what my life would be like if his life held no value then.

His life was never my choice. It was always gods choice of life. I believe the creator of all breathed life into him and is the only who can claim that life. For me there was never a real choice even though people pushed for it as such.

As the years past I went off to college. No longer in the same house I thought it would be easier. I’ve come to know it’s not. I still miss him and in ways more now than ever. I got a job and stayed and while I love Florida my heart is in Maine.

I used to see him daily and today I see him as often as I can but it seems never enough. So many years missed, so much time lost. How could I ever make up to him my absence? I honestly don’t know.

The time between being with him seems to drag. So long, why so long? And then the day arrives and the next I know I have to leave or he has to leave. Leaving is the hardest thing I have to do. Everything in me says stay and I know I have to leave. Even telling myself how he has great parents and how much I know they love him it doesn’t take away the urge to stay.

An urge I’ve had for a long while now but something I’ve dared not speak about. This summer sealed it for me. I know how much I need him center in my life. This little life that grew inside so fragile and small and so important he carries the best of me with him always.

My thoughts and dreams, my wishes and love will have to be enough even from afar. He’s an incredible child and my redemption. Through him I see the good in man and the love and wonderment of a child for the world.

So today I plan for his college, his future and I’ve been saving for it many years now. I don’t want him to struggle as I had and he will not worry about how he will go to college only where and what he’ll study. He’s going to be a doctorate student and in a very ambitious and challenging field of study. He will benefit mankind with the gifts given to him. A mother just knows.

He wants to study nanomedical sciences and neurological applications of assisted robotics. A field where those without arms might have mind controlled arms, where human tissue might be repaired with tiny robots. These fields are cutting edge science hoping to find ways to avoid painful surgery and allow tiny robots to affect repair from the inside. It’s a board field with infinite possibilities to be applied to make life just a little better.

He has noble ideals but more so the mental ability to see his ideals become reality. This because of one decision made before he was ever born. The choice of life and a second choice to be sure he was someplace he’d be treasured, loved and cared for. Such an awesome kid!

Whenever I can be with him my mind is consumed with spending every moment. Not missing anything. I sometimes even just sit and watch him sleep because I don’t want to miss that moment either. Sometimes my heart is empty and I feel the need to quit my job, sell everything and move closer to him. But that’s unrealistic.

I’ve been relegated to being a mother, cheerleader and support system from a distance. Not that my mother and father ever pushed me away but I felt it best for him. It’s just the mother in me that wasn’t supposed to be and my selfish desire to have him to myself. These feelings have been growing for some time now.

How can a woman so easily throw away a life? After all I’ve been through I’m glad life was never a choice for me. I can only imagine the hole in my heart had life been as simple as a choice and I had chosen to end his. All the pain I’ve known couldn’t touch the surface of the pain I’d have suffered had I chosen to end his little life.

My son has been raised by my parents and I’ve sat at a distance and watched as this child has grown to a young man. He’s a happy and well-adjusted young man. He’s a studious student who takes grades seriously. While I miss his presence every moment we’re apart I can’t think of a better place for him than the home and parents I knew as a child. He is loved, cared for and being taught values that he will carry and teach his children.

It’s just tough knowing I want to be with him and be there for him; while knowing he’s in the best place I could imagine for him. A home full of love and with parents gentle and strong.

He has a role model of a man who stands a legend to me. The man to whom all others are measured. A measurement that more than most fall far short of. I dream of my son one day surpassing my father as the measure of a good man.

In many ways he will always be my baby boy. I will always protect him and defend him. I will always have his back and I will be his sanctuary. But in others I have to let him grow and watch in awe as he becomes a man among men.

As tough as it is to watch him raised by another. It pales to the comparison that is my blessing for the miracle that is his life. I love my baby boy in ways I’ll never be able to say. But every time his heartbeats so does mine. An incredible child, a life from my creator and a blessing from darkness.

I love you more than you will ever know Josef. Enough to bring your life into this world, enough to place you in a home over flowing with love and enough to watch and know you will become a man momma will be proud of everyday she lives.

~Michelle Styles – December 18, 2013