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Inside me deeply Part 4 (Abortion)

Today is a more serious subject.

I was going to talk about rape but instead another of life’s lessons makes more sense. Today we will talk about abortion and the choices and blessings of being a woman. The choice to not abort a child and the silver lining born from that choice.

In Part 1 we covered cutting and my need for control. In Part 2 we covered suicide and the control I thought mine to exercise. In Part 3 we covered my years as a stripper.

At a time days after my rape and while still hospitalized and after the doctors had made me a new cheek bone. The stitches still a painful memory of my disfigured face. I received some news that I was pregnant.

I received many visitors in the days that followed. Our family pastor came and told me god would understand if I aborted this child. The doctors pressured me to abort it saying it would not live to term anyway because the odds were I would miscarry. Freinds of the family advised me to abort him. Pressure from every corner of my world.

Everyone had a similar message and seemed to think I should abort this child. It was in a quiet moment with my mother and father when they asked what I wanted. They said to forget all the advice and ask my heart and tell them what I wanted to do.

I told my parents I wanted to have the baby. My father held my hand and said “But you know the chance to miscarry is very high. You’ve been through so much your body isn’t healed. What of my daughter if she miscarries?”

He was concerned for me as always. I could see in his face he didn’t want me to suffer more. A miscarriage might cause me pains all over. I felt his love in his hands as he held my hand waiting for my answer.

I told my dad my creator gives and takes life and if I miscarry then he has reclaimed this life. My dad put his hand on my face and gave me a kiss he said “We shall hear no more on the subject then.” And my mother told me she supports my decision and would have no matter which I choose. Their support in this matter and the firmness my father shutdown all decent steeled me for the months to come.

My parents stopped all conversation about abortion from that day forward and told people that I had chosen and they could respect my choice or leave our lives forever. They actually lost a few friends because of this. That didn’t end the questions from school friends and comments like I wouldn’t have that child. What if he is like his father.

These things lent me no conflict. I knew I was doing the right thing. This child inside me committed no sin and children can’t choose how they come into this world. They don’t choose their parents nor the means of conception.

My parents and I discussed my age and my ability to raise a son and I came to another choice. Give him up so I will be able to lead the life I choose not the one conscribed to me by these vile actions. My mind was set I would give him up. It would be better for him and I that way.

My parents surprised me when they asked if I would consider giving him up to them. I was both pleased and confused. I mean he was mine but this child wasn’t conceived in love. My parents could see in my face my confusion in the matter and they let me think.

About a week went by and my father took me ice fishing, that cold January morning and we talked in our cabin. He told me the baby was mine and he and mom considered carefully this choice. They knew things would be hard but they knew this child was their grandson. They knew they could love him as they have loved me.

I know I cried maybe because of his words being true and maybe because it really hit me. I am a mother or will be in about four months. I knew I wasn’t ready but was I ready to have this child in the same house as me. The answer was never really a question because it was yes. He was mine, a part of me that grew inside me. I felt him kick, I could feel his love.

And to those worried he would be like his father? His father was not any of those men. They were sperm donors and nothing more. His father would be the same father I knew growing up. The same man I cherish today.

A father after all is the man who steps up and raises you, loves you. The one who picks you up when you fall, hugs you in good times and bad, loves and supports you in life. My father is his father and my mother would be his mother. They are and would be great parents to him.

Personally I couldn’t think of a better place for him. I knew this home had love, good parents and best of all I could see him grow to a good man. He was safe from the world a place I now knew as cruel and unforgiving.

Many tears have been shed and for a time I was unable to fully accept him. I could see those men in his face. This brought me much heartache because I knew he wasn’t them. I desperately wanted to love him when he was born and though I tried it was hard. So much pain and yet I knew I’d done the right thing. I never imagined this child was the key to my own redemption.

As he grew I’ve come much closer to him and I see in him hope that he will be a good man. I see the childhood and innocence I lost reborn in the child I carried and the young man he has become.

This past summer spent with him near every moment of everyday and my eyes have been opened. Opened by a child I once carried and by my new teacher. He helped me recapture some of my own childhood and showed me the young man I’d always dreamed he’d become.

He’s an incredible young man who loves life. He is smart and a good student. He is a great son and he lovs his mom (me).

This summer he thanked me for giving him this incredible life he lives. He told me my father told him of all the pressure to abort him and my stubborn persistence I wouldn’t. Our father told him of a house united against the world and the little miracle born into that house.

He is my sunshine and my hope. He is the greatest blessing to ever enter my life. This child conceived in hate, born into love and living as a blessing. What miracles come to our lives from our creator? What miracles indeed.

He thanked me for his incredible life? No son I thank you for living it and reminding me just how incredible life can be. Josef in case you haven’t heard it lately I love you and I am very proud of the young man you have become. I will always love and support you.

~Michelle Styles – December 12, 2013