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Putting the razor down and struggling to be sure it never returns to my hand. I’ve been fooling myself with control and the notion that pain is feeling when I feel nothing at all. Inside all the emotions exist and yet fear keeps me from unleashing them. Fear of being hurt again.

So I know the problem why can’t I fix it?

Pain and a world so numb is no way to live. So many I know quietly wait for this lesson to settle. Am I capable of knowing what love is after so long it has been suppressed? I’ve been told to take a step back and discover what it means to feel and love. Though I believe I’m capable of knowing love so why step back?

So they think they know best for me?

I know I love Sarah and my son. I know what love is and its variations. Why should I step back from my heart and my desires. Who is this stranger who tells me to step back? She’s known me all of a few weeks and pretends to tell me what I know of love.

Her arrogance makes me want to spit!

At times I already question myself. I often ask who I am or is this for real? How does one know what is real when the world has proven surreal? I’ve known struggle, I seek peace. In the still moment when no one is watching.

Tonight put the razor down for thee.

In a world that makes no sense it’s easy to linger in the wrong moment. Today I sat razor in hand ready to feel. Yet denied by my thoughts and my hand. A world numb to all and few enter my pain.

Perhaps its time sanity must split.

A world insane where forgiveness is demanded of the one so hurt. In my head a riot rages and I feel angry and empty when forgiveness is the topic. Why? Empty and angry, those are feelings and not pain so for now they are my champion where pain stood.

Death will finally set me free.

Committed. That is the term thrown around. I’ve been there before twice. Eventually they let me out and the cycle begins a new. I can stop the cycle and tonight I did just that. I put the razor down.

Do with me as you see fit.

Sometimes control is not in the deck. The hand dealt demands a posture of a different sort. I’ll bring the riot to the front and allow the chaos within. Sometimes from chaos comes beauty. Sometimes from the riot within comes silence.

Continuing to live within my spree.

Put the razor down and allow a new feeling to the front. I never know the right path. I’ve tried so many but hate and pain seem the cycle of self repeating. So angry to replace hate and emptiness to replace pain. Will new ones step up to replace those?

I won’t give in to it.

Tonight I see it clearly as I sit razor in hand. I don’t want this, my blood is no answer. I struggled so long in false hope of freedom and the time I struggled I was slave to it. Pain is not the key to peace or feeling. It is but the slave master and the shackles that bind.

Pain will not set me free.

So tonight I put the razor down and pray for strength to find a new champion since love will be denied until further notice. All I know is pain is not an answer, it’s the problem. So tonight I put the razor down.

The razor opens no slit.

Tonight I put the razor down. I hope forever but should it find my hand again I will have to find the courage to put it down again. Hard lessons are pain is not the answer and inside I have nothing left to give. Tonight a win in my struggle. Tonight I had control for the first time in a long time. It has been some time since I said no to my former champion.

I couldn’t handle forgiveness and the hardest question to answer is why? I will not fade from this nor shall I fall to my champion. I will not take a knee in defeat and I will not be broken. Tonight I put the razor down.

~Michelle Styles – December 3, 2013