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Inside me deeply part 3

A private party early on.

In Part 1 we covered cutting and my need for control. In Part 2 we covered suicide and the control I thought mine to exercise.

Why start stripping? I guess this is the first question to answer.

I was 18 and I knew I wanted college. My brothers and sisters and I were raised knowing everything given to us was a tool to use. Our minds, bodies, eyes, looks everything is but a tool. Some people use their bodies as soldiers, mechanics and metal workers. I choose to use mine as a stripper to pay for college.

Don’t get me wrong now I have my morals and I knew they wouldn’t be allowed to touch. I’ve no drug problems so my money wouldn’t be going up my nose. It was just a choice, a means to obtain the education I desired without the 120k in debts. Realistically I thought I could make 30-40 thousand dollars a year stripping and that would be enough to pay for college.

My first job was on off nights at a world famous club in Ft Lauderdale and it didn’t take long before they moved me to a regular Friday/Saturday schedule. That is when the money rolled in and it was far more than I ever expected to make. To me it was just a job, go in shake my breasts and go home. But there was more to it.

There was a rush in stripping. A control I was missing and for a time I even quit cutting. I felt in total control. The customers could look but they couldn’t touch and they had to pay to get a look. All the cards were in my hands.

The control over men gave me a sense of control in my life that was formerly missing. A power over those who made me feel powerless. Those who took my control, my life from me now were eating from my hands. I admit I liked the power. Maybe I even craved it.

Because of my past I have a major fear of men so how did I first work up the nerve? I still don’t know but I knew I had all the power. I had big bouncers who would break anyone for touching me. That helped a lot but it was more than that. I knew there was a stage and an area for customers. An additional barrier between them and me. I knew they were just there to see naked girls and perhaps dream of taking one home but taking me home would only be their dreams.

I had an advantage to. I had a serious Lolita thing going on. I still looked about fifteen with makeup and sixteen without it. The guys paid serious change for the fantasy of something they shouldn’t have. After my first year I’d made enough to pay for mine and Sarah’s college including books, room and board.

Why I didn’t stop after year one? I mean I had enough for college for both Sarah and I and a car. Money, power and control is the simple answer. I felt like I was in control of everything. Good money, men could look but couldn’t touch or have. I controlled what I showed and to who. Sure we got naked but I could refuse VIP room requests, I always refused drinks (I was under aged AND I didn’t want to feel I owed anyone), I didn’t mingle with anyone I didn’t want to mingle with.

By the end of year two I had far more than I dreamed possible. Sarah and I each had cars and I had six figures in the bank above and beyond college money. So why not stop after year two I now had more than I dreamed of? Well I was barely 20 years old and had the next 2 years of college for Sarah and I paid for and a 100k in the bank riding in a new car. So why stop?

Why not after 3 years? 4 years? Same reasons as year 1 and 2. I bought my house near the beach in Hollywood and had money saved. Sarah and I went to Rio one year and Italy the other. I was living the good life. It was still just a job, it wasn’t who I was nor was it because I had to. It’s a great feeling knowing you have 4 years of expenses in the bank, no debts and you could quit at any time. Besides I still looked the Lolita even at 22 I could pass for 17 or 18 years old with ease.

So to me stripping wasn’t a need. I didn’t do it because I had hungry children to feed, a drug habit to feed or for any reason besides the fact it was an easy job that paid enough for me to afford college. Where else can a girl of 18 with no skills make more than 5k a week working less than a full time job? I did it for money, control and power over men.

Do I regret stripping? No as I said it was a means to an end. Everyone uses what they were given to get where they want in life. I used my looks and my body to get college. Some of my brothers worked as much as 8 years to complete college, A few did trade schools, my sisters both had massive debt. My tools earned me college and a better life today without the crushing debt. It was also the only time in my life where I would go many months without cutting. Stripping gave me control and I didn’t _NEED_ to cut.

Stripping of course isn’t for everyone and you have to be choosey about the clubs and owners you work for. Location is everything in stripping. Nevada, Florida, California, Hawaii can easily earn a serious living. Other areas they meek out an existence. Though I found most girls stripping had serious drug problems, or it was what they had to do being a single mom and no skills to fall back on. I did feel sorry for those girls. Unlike me the owners had barganing chips and could in a way make the girls do nearly anything.

It can be a cut throat business; you have to be personal enough to keep regulars coming back, you had to keep other girls at bay, you had to watch your tips closely and watch your stuff. I luckily worked in a tourist area with good turnover so regulars were less important though my regulars would account for 20% or more of a Friday or Saturday night. But upwards of 80% were from men I might never see again just here on vacation.

How much money did I make? Well this was a typical Friday or Saturday night. Over all I made a hell of a living.

I set myself up with the money because I had no drug problem, no hungry kids at home and lived on campus I banked money and eventually bought a house.

I feel you should never strip because you have to. Always keep the option to quit at anytime and without notice and bank as much as you can. If you HAVE to strip people can pressure you into things you don’t want to do. Things against your moral fiber and ultimately things you may regret.

I sought out a top notch place with a reputation to uphold. They didn’t allow sex, they didn’t allow drugs in the open anyway. I’m sure there were drugs and deals on the floor though I never personally witnessed them. I also made sure it was a tourist area where the money could be better as well.

Life lesson? Again the things I did were about control. Control of things that scared me namely men. Control over those same things. It’s ok to use what god gave you but don’t sacrifice your morals for it. No job is worth giving that up. Doing it for control and power is the wrong reason to continue doing something.

Thinking about stripping? Be careful! First visit the clubs and find the ones with a reputation as a good club not some back alley hole in the wall. Second top clubs will require you can move and be sensual, practice is good before auditioning. Third top clubs want unique beauty so know what you have to sell. For me it was my extremely young appearance (know yours). Fourth be sure to learn if you don’t already know how to read people. You can tell the ones who are creeps if you look. (Creeps as in the touchy feely types). Last be personable but not too much so. Be sure not to cross the line that breaks any personal morals nothing is worth that and it becomes a slippery slope.

Part 4 Rape (What started the need for control)

~Michelle Styles – November 27, 2013