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Inside me deeply part 1


Time for secrets dark to see the light of day revealing all I hide, all I am and what I’ve become. Time to allow healing graces into places unseen by any except the animals in my mind. Time for trust once buried by pain to bubble up and see the light. Pains and torments of my past the things I’ve done. You must know what I am before you can love what I want to become. You deserves this much.

I’ve done so much to survive, suffered in silence and pushed myself ever forward. Life itself has been a struggle to reclaim control. To reclaim all I lost in such short time. As some know I’ve been a cutter the better part of my life as a control mechanism. A means to control emotion. It’s taken time to realize it controls me as cutting becomes addition.

When you first start cutting you are in control and for a time it appears to be true. You control when, where, how much and for how long you feel. You control how deeply you allow it in. For a time all appears that you are in control. For a time.

Eventually control becomes an obsession when underlying problems aren’t properly vetted. Obsessions becomes addiction as we spiral out of control all the while believing we are in total control. Cutting is dangerous as to feel one must go deeper, longer, more. Eventually your control slips and base desire is all that remains. When base desire to feel in a world so numb takes over all means and semblance of control become lost to addiction.

When I started cutting pain was all I knew. I used it as my champion in a dark world where emotion meant facing a nightmare. I suppressed the nightmare and became numb to the world. I felt unworthy of love, unclean as a person. I felt powerless, lost and in agony. So when I started cutting I could feel something, I had control of something. Pain was all that seemed real, all I believed remained, and all I believed I deserved.

I’ve learned we sometimes seek to control things beyond our power to control. When great and unfortunate events enter our lives we must surrender control not try and mitigate the damages. This goes against the very nature of us as humans as we seek control of our environment at all times. We aren’t trained to accept collateral damage as a pass time of war, of life. Our minds seek to minimize, to explain where sometimes things lack explanation.

My life lesson? Cutting is not control it’s an addiction. If I could pass this message along today I would. Cutting is not control it’s an addiction. Pain is not what you deserve; it’s what the events beyond control caused.

I started cutting when I felt powerless and down and it kept me there as I began to depend upon it just to feel in control. In the end the bar to control becomes impossible to maintain. And I was left with nasty reminders of my attempt at control. If you click the picture included you will see but a fraction of the lessons etched within my flesh during my struggle for control. In fifteen years I’ve received in excess of five hundred stitches. Does that sound like control?

During our weakest moments the true test of strength is relinquishing control and admitting we need help. You aren’t weak to seek help when problems seem to much. No you’re very strong to know when things are beyond our control and we need help to let it go. Admitting to ourselves we need help is the first step to cure any pain, any wound.

These lessons now etched forever upon my flesh and match the shattered soul within. Now that I’ve given up control and seek help both body and soul may mend. Though scars remain as reminder the struggle for control and expectations of self reliance; a bar placed at impossible heights. Heights only obtainable with much needed help.

So today I have much help. I’ve given up the notion of control and now seek only comfort not control. I seek peace and help in my weakness. I seek a time where dreams may come and nightmares are distant memory.

In the next edition of inside me deeply we’ll look at playing god and suicide.

~Michelle Styles – November 25, 2013