, , , , , , , , , , , ,

I want to talk about everyday miracles. Things that happen that we just have to see and no matter if we missed it somehow it comes back to us. And that was the case yesterday for me. Sometimes we miss these things or don’t put it all together at the time. Sometimes we will never know of the things that happen in our lives. Yesterday I got the message loud and clear. It only took three tries.

I said before the little things are our blessings, the people brought to our lives. How the creator moves in our lives and sometimes how he makes sure we hear the right things at the right times. Yesterday was one of those days.

A friend and fellow blogger my personal secret angel (I’m not sharing her! You can’t have her….ok ok we can share.) Well secret posted a piece that somehow I missed called Broken Girl and you can find that post here: http://secretangelps911.wordpress.com/2013/11/13/broken-girl/

I glanced over it but didn’t take the time to read it. For one reason or another I was too busy, or whatever. I got an email with this posting sometime after seeing the post and I again glancing over the email but didn’t pay it much mind missing it a second time. Later that day another friend private messaged me the same song but with the lyrics. The song with lyrics is here: http://youtu.be/9X6h6QiFqi4

This song took me 3 or 4 times to get through the words; to read the whole song to the end. I had a good cry as I read them and lost track of them, I had to restart it, reread it several times. I probably spent 40 minutes to get through the song completely, to get the whole thing. This song hit me personally like a freight liner. I’ve been so wrapped up in being strong for everyone else, in burring this and hoping it will die on its own or just fade away. Pain doesn’t go away when we internalize it. We have to let it out, sometimes we just have to cry. I did plenty of this yesterday.

When I got to my Occupational Therapy and they turned on my cochlear implants I knew I had to hear this song not with my eyes and my heart but with my own ears. My cochlear implants are my new ears a gift from my creator. I know he sent me this to tell me maybe it’s ok to be broken. We cannot stand some pains alone. He had to send it a few times but even stubborn me, I finally got the message.

My therapist told me I wasted ten minutes of therapy today; I told him I built more in those ten minutes inside than ten years of wandering alone. I told him time is never wasted when we make steps in our lives that lead us closer to our creator. Healing no matter where it occurs is never a waste of time.

It makes sense that a whole me will learn more in the remaining time than part of me would have learned in triple the time. I am not whole yet but I am walking the path that will lead me to it. Every step is another puzzle piece to the masterpiece that is me. Pieces I thought lost to me forever are found buried with the pain. And though my puzzle is far from complete the portrait of me begins to show.

So to paraphrase Stitch from Lilo and Stitch. “I am little and broken; but good. Yeah good.”. Ohana means family and even a broken one can be good. Even a small one can be good. Our creator is our father and we are his Ohana, when we are broken his family is broken and even broken it remains good. I am little and I am broken; but I am good.

Someday I will look back on these days and I’m not sure what I’ll think.

Maybe I will wonder why I wandered for so long alone. So far from the creator, my father and for so long I wandered. When the whole time though it was broken his family remained good.

Maybe I will wonder why I blamed god for the evils of man. Yes most victims of things too horrible to face go through phases.
• Why did god do this to me? Of course later we come to understand god did NOT do this to us, man with free will committed this evil.
• Why won’t you help me? Of course later we come to understand he wanted to we were yet unable to accept his help.
• I pray but you ignore me? Of course again we come to understand he never ignored our plea we were to broken to hear his whisper.
• When you are near bottom you may pray please end my life. Another request he will not accept. He will never take you because you wish it, he will take you in his time. It was during this time in my life when I played god and attempted to take my own life. Didn’t work out so well and I wouldn’t recommend trying it but that is for another time.
• Eventually we come to a point where we blame god for our brokenness for the things we suffered and for the suffering we yet face. I’ve come to understand recently that my broken heart shattered his, my pain amplified to him thousands fold. My tears tore his heart and weighed heavy upon him more than they weighed upon me.He was reaching for me I was broken and blind with pain.

I believe only when we reach the point of understanding that he hurts when we hurt and his pain is that of a father suffering while he is powerless to stop your pain. His beloved child suffers and as such so does he suffer. His pain greater than yours because he wants to help but we aren’t at a point we can accept it yet. Until we realize we are worthy and we have value and then accept what aid is sent he is powerless and that must be devastating for one who loves us so. He created all this just for you, just for me so we could see him in all things. He lives in everything he touched and his creation is life, his life, his dream. It is great and beautiful and so am I his daughter, his creation and a piece to his grand puzzle.

I might one day wonder how I couldn’t see his tears while I suppressed my own. I am going to tell the girls I help from now on to let it out, if you need to cry it’s ok we can cry together. For water is life and tears can water your soul in times we have so much pain let it all out. Why deny yourself when you are in pain it is ok not to be strong. If others judge you as weak, pathetic, or any other hurtful name in your time of pain know the only judge who matters is crying and weak sitting right beside you. When you hurt so does he. I don’t normally quote the Christian bible but I find it appropriate here.

In Matthew 25:40 he tells those who mock you, who tear you down in your time of need, in your pain. “And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my children, ye have done it unto me.”

As they mock you they mock him, as they tear you down they tear him down, as they hurt you they hurt him. Remember this when another in in pain as well and act with your heart and not your words. Lift them up, pray for them, support them and you will be doing the same to him. In your support he will see, in your prayers he will hear, in your lifting he will know you love his child as he loves you.

I cried a lot yesterday, I am crying some still today. So long I was strong for others and perhaps I denied myself the water for my soul. I gave into stop the crying, move on, just push it aside, stop being a baby and in doing so condemned myself to suffer alone for many years. It is my wish for those reading if you are broken you are not a baby to cry you are watering your soul. It’s good to let it out. If you know one broken please speak with your heart not you mouth, lift them up and help them because they didn’t choose to be broken.

People who are broken are in genuine pain often a pain so profound it’s beyond comprehension, beyond human understanding and this is why they cry. They cry because their faith and belief in god himself has been challenged not by words but by evil of mankind. They cry because they have no words to say how much they hurt. They cry because it needs to come out. They cry for many reason and they need to know it is ok to not be strong, they don’t need to impress anyone because their survival is often testament to their true strength. They need to be reminded you are there and you aren’t leaving them alone to suffer, that you don’t judge them, that they are safe now. Safe to cry, safe to heal, safe to be angry, safe to be sad, safe here with you, with god and with his children. They are your brothers and sisters and they suffer. They may curse god, blame god, know god hears only their pain not their curses, not their blame. He also hears your prayers, sees your love and knows your heart.

A church an extension of him should be a place free of judgment and a place safe for those suffering and perhaps if we speak with our hearts they may hear gods whisper through you. What a perfect world this could be to open our hearts and not try to make sense of the pain but to understand only it exists. Not push the pain from the surface but instead draw it from the depth so it may be free of they who suffer. Surprising pain is not the answer and it has taken more than a decade to come to this. Pain needs to be let out and insomuch tears water the soul.

I have learned much and one thing I learned is free will; given us by our creator can be used for extreme ill or extreme good. Humans are capable of the vilest things and the most beautiful. This song is an example of one human touched by others and so moved he had to tell them it’s not ok what they did, it’s normal to be broken anyone would be. Just stop thinking you have to be strong, stop thinking you are worthless, stop thinking he doesn’t love you because he never stopped and to him you are beautiful, worthy and worth the world.

To quote Brad Pasley but I can hear my father whispering these same words (slightly paraphrased replacing baby with my child):
“To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
My child, you are the world”

Why he had to send it three total times before I heard him whisper is yet beyond me but I know he would have found a way to send it again had I missed his third call. I don’t know what I may one day wonder for sure but I will look back on this day as the day god took me by the face his hands upon my cheeks as he looked me in the eyes and told me “you are little and broken; but good. Yeah you are good.”

~Michelle Styles – November 14, 2013