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By my own choosing yet not my hand it invades me only to find itself rid from its host in the end. Memories of shadows past dancing in the here and now. Suffering the shades of time as daylight brings new dawn to clarity. With regret in hand the day once more begins in ways too familiar by now. Rest uneasy comes at a price yet known but soon discovered.

Sleep a meager dream its own fashion. Hours pass without notice and restless exhaustion brings little relief. For now it’s relief no matter how brief it should be appreciated for what it is and embraced for its momentary acquittal. May it stay my sentence however brief and allow lethargies oblivion.

Former possessions only wish is repossession of that which I do not own. That which was left me long since forgotten by those who abandoned it deep within. Waking moments fill my nights and slumber but a dream of fleeting time. 

Free I set them free and today stand lost to ten weeks struggle. My best effort so far. Why? I wish I knew such answer. If I knew it could be fixed and yet I stand broken again. Pain released and from within shadows howl and blood is spilled, once more they are free.

Today another sin and old wounds open to free by blood and repeat lessons placed out of mind. Victory once more charged to the hands of shadow and with it the the tide of previous victory erased. It’s to strong and in the end I’m to weak.

I shake now in darkness and pain returns to claim broken spirit. Alone, where does one go from defeat, where do I go. From the ground seeking answer to such swift defeat, it seems yesterday I stood invincible.

What matters when darkness has control? Retreat has been sounded. I guess we regroup and seek the higher ground and prepare for the return and perhaps know the taste of victory once more. The pull so strong and relentless it seems victory is out of reach.

Is victory possible when god himself pisses upon you from on high? Be done with me, my desire for war is at end and should surrender be my only course to peace then so be it.

All who cheered do so in vane and the support squandered. The wolf lay wounded and alone a failure to her pack. Shame is upon me and darkness takes the helm. Today another sin.

~Michelle Styles, November 4, 2013