I find myself this early morn sitting on Waikiki beach. The stars twinkle in the heavens and I wonder who else maybe gazing upon then. Do they weigh heavy questions or stare in wonder? Or do they see as I see wonder and question? I wonder many things as I stare into the thousands of lights before me. Does my son see them right now? Does he think of me as I him this night, this moment?
I think of all the things I miss. He spent a summer with me this year and though only a few weeks have past my heart misses him. I miss his smile, his enthusiasm for life, his eyes looking forward to time with me and his time given freely to me. Does he miss me right now? Is he looking to the stars as well thinking of this past summer?
Tonight I sit and count my blessings as they’ve entered my life. There are many. Sarah, family, health, a brain, a good job, friends, my son, and TJ, I know TJ deserves a place higher among the blessings but he was the last one to enter my life so he’s last on the list but shares equal place among blessings. I learned from each blessing how the little things are deserving of the most celebration.
Since last night I’ve been struggling with the addiction, my urges are back I ~NEED~ to cut. It’s calling me for blood and pain. I will celebrate yet another victory against it this day and with this small victory those who’ve cared share with me. It’s a little thing but worthy of celebration. Much support is often received upon our mistakes and for me the blessing of hope and caring supports me in times I stand victor as well. It’s not often we pause to remember those whose cheers are as deafening roar but missed as we struggle.
Tonight I remember such. The cheers sent in any form from those who care most. Yesterday I received much needed support from every corner of my universe. Those cheers were heard as thunderous ovation by my heart. Tonight I stand still firm against the darkness and though alone on the beach I am not alone within. Tonight as I struggle and prepared to fight I could see my pack surround me closing rank in protective circle. They came as thunder and though tears rain upon my spirit; darkness held no power. Its icy touch stripped for a moment by warm embrace and strength aided.
The power of the ocean and numbers of the lights upon high remind me of the power of the pack and the numbers that circle me, protecting me when I find myself weary of battle. They came tonight in vision, word and prayer and tonight I find comfort within their circle. While I lay fatigued they stand as one and strength to rise again and fight another night found within. I’ve heard your hearts and they aid me. I’ve read your words and they’ve feed me. I’m stronger now because of you.
I wonder if they see the same lights upon heaven as I this night or if within they feel my heart. Do they know this night I thanked the stars for each who stand blessing to me? Do they know what strength they lend? I like to think they know; but I tell them anyway. Every blessing in my life stood and protected me while I lay vulnerable and weakened. For these blessing and any I’ve missed I thank you.
I’ve heard you this day in the roar of support. What does your support mean to me? I hope these words simple but true find their way from my heart to you.
When I am weak I find strength in you.
When I am sad I find happiness to.
When I am scared I find comfort a new.
When skies are grey I find skies of blue.
When my defenses low I find friends true.
When I am glad I see your face.
When I am wounded you finish my race.
When I am lost I find your place.
When I am blessed it’s by your grace.
When I slow you quicken my pace.
Love to those who aid me when I am in need. Peace and strength to others who struggle. I hope to be part of those who circle you when you are fatigued and weakened. I stand part of your pack as you stand in mine. Together we celabrate another small victory. Another day free of lessons, blood and pain. Today is OUR victory and I gladly share it with you.
~Michelle Styles October 25, 2013