I can’t fully explain my struggle nor why some days stand harder than others. I struggle this night my resolve still greater than desire. Yet I struggle. It seems as though day ruled for a time and dusk approaches like the inevitable setting of the sun. Icy fingers felt only by mind trace scars upon beaten spirit. Soon they will not touch as outreached trace but as clenched fist and I know the fight is coming.
The fight to free myself of its clutch and move back to the light. For now it seems darkness approaches and inside I scramble to remain within the light. For now I stand in the center as shadows reach circles.
In a desperate attempt to fight the darkness and avoid the fire; which has been known to burn. I stand so burned by past encounters. Previously they were welcomed as friend is welcomed to table. For to long I used it and it me for strength and here I stand lone against its might. Me verse a champion whom I once let fight in my stead. Coward behind it and now I stand in defiance of it?
Darkness over comes me and I sit consumed by it. I lack the will to stand and the power to push it back. Let him come for me, I shall not run nor cower this night. So I sit and idle for it to come. Claws extended and teeth to bare I sit conserve my energy and wait for it to come.
I sit silently wrapped in the darkness tracing the scar on my stomach. It was the last lesson etched in flesh form august of this very year. I tremble as I trace it what madness drove me to this?
The need absent for now and yet remembrance upon me. Silence broken with teardrops fall. Why does it struggle to live? Inside the burning fleeting and strong in waves upon shore darkened for the moment. Sunrise is coming to part dark sky and lightning strikes the path. Yet I sit alone and darkened this moment.
Blocked within and darkness abound and yet it struggles so. Drip, drip it echoes inside despair upon heel. I feel it breathing within and it reminds me it lives. Hot to flesh and black upon spirit. Its presence all too familiar to me. Drip, drip tears fall to pain, this day blood shall not join it.
Agony, pain, darkness around. Former champion refuses to fall. This day I stand strong enough still but upon a day my broken will. Torturous the trial of fire and blood deep inside it smolders till the inferno rules. When the fire comes blood must be shed to extinguish the flame that burns to my soul.
I’m slipping as he ground beneath seems unsteady. Obscured from view and wet with tears of my soul. They fall to ground and pool in place creating a puddle of pain. How long can resolve stand verse desire? How long can will preserve as stone when tears flow turning it to mud before yourself.
Brace and prepare; I am in this to win and if i must defeat my former champion so shall it be. I have purpose and in it strength yet untapped. Saved until time of greatest need; today is not that day. Today I’ve still stregth to stand and when I must I shall and the fight is on.
Fear of passing, of disappointment and shame.
Fear of myself inside I’m the same.
Strong yet I stand a stranger to self.
Inside I quake upon lonesome shelf.
Fear i’d not know in quite some time.
It returns with a vengeance this night sublime.
Darkness comes and I’m in its sight.
On tattered soul I stand and I fight.
Away I cry in silence this night.
Closer it comes testing in spite.
Warnings in heard by any but me.
Shadow on ground, it can’t let me be.
For now it circles and let’s victory stand.
So it shall strike at victors hand.
How will I measure this day?
Darkened and scared inside I lay.
Dormant for now, shadow to ground.
Here in the light, shadows abound.
They stand reminder of things I know.
Pain and pleasure, two hands they go.
For now my champion remains on the ground.
He withers yet moves with a sound.
He yet lives.
Today a win and dawn breaks with no new lessons etched in flesh. Today I’m yet stronger than that which pulls me to darkness and even alone within it the darkness is not the victor. For today another win with no lessons taught nor desired.
Free I cry, free.
~Michelle Styles October 24, 2013